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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 3
Simon,
Did You Say “Fuck”?
Mom
to her 5 year-old boy.
MOM: Simon,
did I hear you say fuck? Did the word fuck come out of your mouth? Fuck is a
bad word. Fuck is a dirty word. I don't want to hear a single fuck out of you
ever again. Trashy people say “fuck.” Fucked up people say “fuck.” If
you want to, when you get old you can say fuck all you like. You can say,
“Fuck this and fuck that and fuck all that other shit!” But until then I
don't want to hear another fuck from you.
April 2
Toronto
Tourism Info-Line
CLERK:
Thank you for calling the Toronto
Information line, how may I help you? I
beg your pardon? Yes sir the city
is open during the month of July. All
month sir... Yes, I'm quite sure. No
the city doesn't actually have hours sir, it's not a store. Well yes of course
there are stores here... Yes sir I've seen them.
No sir, the snow should pretty much be gone by then.... It doesn't go
anywhere sir, it melts, yes just like the witch in The Wizard of Oz.
No, trust me sir, permafrost isn't really an issue. No sir, I wouldn't
say just about anything to get you to visit. Well sir, who are you going to
believe, me or your daughter’s boyfriend? Fine. Yes… if you really need a
parka you can get one here… Yes sir…
The
water? No sir that's the other
border…
Mexico. Yes I'm quite sure. It's easy to
remember...
Canada
up,
Mexico
down… Yes, I'm sure... Well maybe if you turned your map upside down? Just a
lucky guess sir. Toilet paper?
Well the last time I checked we had a very good supply… About an hour
ago. Well if you'd feel more
comfortable bringing your own that's fine... Yes, that's correct, you can
always trade it with the locals for trinkets and handicrafts.
No sir we're fresh out of Indian guides, you should have called ahead.
Oh, I guess we didn't receive your smoke signals.
What? Oh, dollars.
That's right just like you have only about 20% smaller. Yes, they are
called loonies, yes that's very funny sir. I don't believe I've that heard
that before. Thank you sir, actually we're not all polite... Yes, I'm sorry
too. A democracy.... Yes, really! Of course we're allies... 1812 was a long
time ago sir! That's right... at least a hundred years ago.
No, that's illegal here. Yes and that. And that... That too.
Look I
don't tell everyone this but I can sense that you're no fool. The truth is
that there are about 150 of us here. We live in mud huts and communicate with
a crude sign language. We're polygamous, our major source of food are the
hearts of Missionaries and we believe that the beaver houses the spirit of the
dead. We trade in what is called Canadian Tire money and when we run out of
Missionaries we eat the flesh of our enemies. Right now the tribes are at
peace but there has been a lot of tension over the world’s tallest free
standing totem pole. I'm wearing a loincloth and a polar bear shawl with otter
trim and after I've finished talking with you I'm off to sacrifice virgins.
Yes I thought so. Your daughter's
boyfriend is one smart cookie. Very good sir, here's the phone number of the
Sutton Place Hotel. Thank you for calling, good bye.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 265 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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