"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 5
Happy
Easter Weekend Everybody!
Easter
Sunday Bloody Sunday
April 4
A
Letter
A Man picks up letter and begins to read as he does we hear a Voice Over.
V/O: Dear Paul, Hello and
how are things overseas? I hope all is well in the glass blowing trade. Paul,
I hope you are sitting down because it has fallen to me, your beloved best
friend, to deliver some sad and upsetting news. I know this will come as a
shock to you...
Lord
knows everyone here at home still can't believe it but we all feel that you
must be told. I really hope you
are seated because a blow of this magnitude is well... I guess I can't say
magnificent because that would imply something wondrous and this is anything
but... In our lives we all have to deal with tragedy, with loss and sorrow but
we do, (please note I underline do)... we do get over these disasters
so buck up big guy.
I'm
the first one to admit that sometimes life can be unfair and cruel... Cruel
like a...oh I don't know… Like a hunter’s snare...no, cruel like a vicious
slap to the face.... Sorry my similes are pretty lame but it's hard to be
expressive when I have to tell you bad news...
So,
how's the weather? Okay I'm sorry Paul, I'm so sorry, I'm so so so so so
(turns page) so so so so so soooo sorry...
First
I want to tell you that it's not your fault, you are not to be blamed, so I
beg you not to burden yourself with guilt. Questions
like, "what If I'd..." are meaningless now so be brave, be strong…
(turns page)
I just
wish there was some easy way, so painless method… (turns page)
I hope you haven't got up yet because I've finally found the courage... (turns
page)
I would have called but I didn't want to relay news like this over the
phone... (turns page)
But I
digress… (turns page)
I
start to cry just thinking of it… (turns page)
So
here it is... It's not your parents, I don't want you to worry about them, in
fact they seem… (turns page)
…And
you'll be glad to know that Marge's son Jim (did you ever meet Marge) is fine
too… (turns page)
It's
about me Paul.... I went to the doctor, for a check-up and everything's fine
but when I got back to work I found out... that... that... I lost my job as
editor at the newspaper... Why oh why Paul? (fade) The job I love, that
loveable job, the job that I've always loved and dreamt of… My dream job
that I love… I mean, a job is a
job Paul, but an editor is a career…
April 3
Simon,
Did You Say “Fuck”?
Mom
to her 5 year-old boy.
MOM: Simon,
did I hear you say fuck? Did the word fuck come out of your mouth? Fuck is a
bad word. Fuck is a dirty word. I don't want to hear a single fuck out of you
ever again. Trashy people say “fuck.” Fucked up people say “fuck.” If
you want to, when you get old you can say fuck all you like. You can say,
“Fuck this and fuck that and fuck all that other shit!” But until then I
don't want to hear another fuck from you.
April 2
Toronto
Tourism Info-Line
CLERK:
Thank you for calling the Toronto
Information line, how may I help you? I
beg your pardon? Yes sir the city
is open during the month of July. All
month sir... Yes, I'm quite sure. No
the city doesn't actually have hours sir, it's not a store. Well yes of course
there are stores here... Yes sir I've seen them.
No sir, the snow should pretty much be gone by then.... It doesn't go
anywhere sir, it melts, yes just like the witch in The Wizard of Oz.
No, trust me sir, permafrost isn't really an issue. No sir, I wouldn't
say just about anything to get you to visit. Well sir, who are you going to
believe, me or your daughter’s boyfriend? Fine. Yes… if you really need a
parka you can get one here… Yes sir…
The
water? No sir that's the other
border…
Mexico. Yes I'm quite sure. It's easy to
remember...
Canada
up,
Mexico
down… Yes, I'm sure... Well maybe if you turned your map upside down? Just a
lucky guess sir. Toilet paper?
Well the last time I checked we had a very good supply… About an hour
ago. Well if you'd feel more
comfortable bringing your own that's fine... Yes, that's correct, you can
always trade it with the locals for trinkets and handicrafts.
No sir we're fresh out of Indian guides, you should have called ahead.
Oh, I guess we didn't receive your smoke signals.
What? Oh, dollars.
That's right just like you have only about 20% smaller. Yes, they are
called loonies, yes that's very funny sir. I don't believe I've that heard
that before. Thank you sir, actually we're not all polite... Yes, I'm sorry
too. A democracy.... Yes, really! Of course we're allies... 1812 was a long
time ago sir! That's right... at least a hundred years ago.
No, that's illegal here. Yes and that. And that... That too.
Look I
don't tell everyone this but I can sense that you're no fool. The truth is
that there are about 150 of us here. We live in mud huts and communicate with
a crude sign language. We're polygamous, our major source of food are the
hearts of Missionaries and we believe that the beaver houses the spirit of the
dead. We trade in what is called Canadian Tire money and when we run out of
Missionaries we eat the flesh of our enemies. Right now the tribes are at
peace but there has been a lot of tension over the world’s tallest free
standing totem pole. I'm wearing a loincloth and a polar bear shawl with otter
trim and after I've finished talking with you I'm off to sacrifice virgins.
Yes I thought so. Your daughter's
boyfriend is one smart cookie. Very good sir, here's the phone number of the
Sutton Place Hotel. Thank you for calling, good bye.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 263 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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