"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Friday The 13th!
April 12
Stupid Avril is mean to Stupid Britney
That
annoying creature that calls itself Avril Lavigne lambasted the annoying
creature that calls itself Britney Spears; no one really cares, but it’s
still fun and nauseating to see a little twerp slam another little twerp. So
here’s the skinny…
In a recent interview with the U.K.'s Sun newspaper, Lavigne took it upon
herself to criticize Spears' shortcomings, and said that she has no-one to
blame but herself for her recent stay in a rehabilitation facility.
"Britney’s
like, ‘look at me, I’m bald and divorced,’ but I’m like all, who
cares about your exposed vag, you fat baldy! Like, what’s your problem?
Can’t you handle fame?”
Riveting
stuff, for sure. To add insult to
injury, Lavigne told Jane magazine that her mother mistreated her during her
teenage years by taking her to a Britney Spears concert.
"My
mom was like, ‘so, like you are so going to a Britney concert, so, like, get
ready,’ and I was
all like, ‘so, like, mom, so, like, no way!’”
Even
more fun, the beady-eyed caterwauler took pot shots disparaging Spears'
ability to party hardy. Lavigne
admitted that she likes to get fall down drunk by herself, but said she can
handle it, and "no one really gets to know about it. Oh wait, I just told
you – ohmygawd!”
She then admitted that the few times she does go out loaded she likes to spit
on photographers. “I hock
loogies better than a spitting llama!”
My prediction? Lavigne is divorced
and in detox in under two years. If
not – well, who the hell cares?
April 11
The
Nag Visits Wal-Mart
The
Nag on the Lake
is a most excellent blog that I check out on a daily basis.
She recently visited Wal-Mart (even though she knows better), but I am
happy to report that she “slunk out empty handed.”
Fear not, fair nag, all is forgiven!
The Nag: “I’ve
Been To Hell and Back”
And
let us not forget my own little tirade: The
Big Freaky Wal-Mart Experience
April 10
The
O’Reilly and Rivera Shout-A-Thon
Bill O'Reilly and Geraldo Rivera claim there were no hard feelings
after they engaged in a shouting match unusual even for a cable opinion
program where the volume is frequently set to loud.
Below is a partial transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," April 5, 2007. The boys said they
kissed and made up, but I dunno, sometimes things get said that can’t be
taken back…
BILL
O’REILLY, HOST:
Now for the "Top Story" tonight: another view of this on the fair
and balanced network, FOX News correspondent and seedy immigrant, Geraldo
Rivera, seen weekends at 8:00 p.m. Eastern.
GERALDO RIVERA: How’s
it going?
O'REILLY:
No complaints. OK. Sanctuary cities, what do you think?
RIVERA:
I think you have the story almost exactly wrong. I think that we're talking
about drunk driving. And there were 347 drunk driving fatalities in the Commonwealth of Virginia in the year 2005. I think this may be
the first drunk driving story we have done from
Virginia
.
And the only reason it's news on
"The Factor" is because the driver was an illegal alien.
O'REILLY:
Yeah, so what?
RIVERA:
What if his name was Bubba? What if his name was Buddy? What if his name was
Bobby?
O'REILLY:
Bubba could be black man’s name, so we’d run with it.
Buddy could be a gay man’s name. If he was gay, we’d run with it.
Bobby, well, Bobby is also a fag name, isn’t it?
RIVERA:
So what are you saying?
O'REILLY:
What do you think I’m saying, you fucking idiot.
RIVERA:
I’m not entirely sure. But you have to remember, I was the guy who went
looking for Capone’s vault. Remember
that?
O'REILLY:
No.
RIVERA:
Oh… My point is, this isn’t an
illegal alien story, Bill. It's a drunk driving story.
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY:
Here's why you're wrong. First
you’re an immigrant. Second, you’re parents were immigrants…
RIVERA:
So’s your mother!
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY:
Wop! Spick! Terrorist Wog! Wet Back! Dago Pinhead! I-tie!
RIVERA:
Sexual predator! Hypocrite! Cross-dresser!
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERA:
Enough with the bashing of illegal
aliens.
O'REILLY:
I’ll never stop! It’s too easy!
RIVERA:
The Minutemen are wearing guns now on the border.
O'REILLY:
You listen to me you filthy…
RIVERA:
Are they going to start shooting illegal aliens?
O'REILLY:
When you enter this country illegally, number one, you deserve to get shot.
RIVERA:
What?
O'REILLY:
And, number two, when you're caught committing a crime, as this man was, four
times.
RIVERA:
He was drunk in public twice.
O'REILLY:
Hold it. Four times.
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERA:
And, one time, he was a drunk driver with no victims.
O'REILLY:
He should have been deported the first time. After they cut his nuts off and
killed his family.
RIVERA:
But he didn't commit a felony.
O'REILLY:
It doesn't make any difference.
RIVERA:
And he didn't commit a misdemeanor...
O'REILLY:
His nuts need to be cut off!
RIVERA:
He didn't commit a misdemeanor having to do with moral turpitude either.
O'REILLY:
Lose the nuts!
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERA:
Everyone followed the law. You owe everyone an apology, from the governor to
the mayor down.
O'REILLY:
No, they didn't. No, they didn't. And
if I had my way, I’d cut their balls off as well.
Now, I just want to get this straight.
You, Geraldo Rivera, with teenage daughters...
RIVERA:
Right.
O'REILLY:
Really sexy, hot, smoking teenage Latino babes. Totally doable... Sweet, tasty,
teen hotties…
RIVERA: Where are you going with this?
O'REILLY:
Hmmm, oh yeah, ha, ha, ha!
RIVERA:
Oh my God! Are you masturbating?
O'REILLY:
Ooh baby…
RIVERA: And thinking about my daughters?
O'REILLY:
It’s a free country!
(CROSSTALK MIXED WITH FISTS BEING THROWN)
RIVERA:
It could be an Irish drunk.
O'REILLY:
No.
RIVERA:
It could be an Italian drunk. What the hell difference does it make?
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY:
It makes plenty of difference!
RIVERA:
Stop wanking to my daughters!
O'REILLY:
Never! …He doesn't have a right
to be here!
RIVERA:
He didn't commit a felony.
O'REILLY:
He doesn't have a right to be in this country!
RIVERA:
What — but that has nothing to do with the fact that he was a drunk!
O'REILLY:
Yes, it does! He should have been deported! He should have been deported! His
nuts should have been cut off! Your
daughters… Are they seeing anyone?
(CROSSTALK AND
MORE FISTS)
O'REILLY:
I know all!
RIVERA:
Listen, do you know how many people we have in jail?
O'REILLY: Not enough! Kill the illegal aliens!
RIVERA:
Cool your jets. It has nothing to do with illegal aliens. It has to do with
drunk driving.
O'REILLY:
It doesn't.
RIVERA:
Don't obscure a tragedy to make a cheap political point.
O'REILLY:
Why not? It’s what I do!
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERA:
It's a cheap political point!
O'REILLY:
But it works!
RIVERA:
It’s shoddy journalism!
O'REILLY:
Wake up you idiot! We work for FOX!
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY:
You want anarchy.
RIVERA:
No. What I want...
O'REILLY:
You want open-border anarchy. That's what you want.
RIVERA:
What I — what I want is fairness. We have lured these people...
O'REILLY:
Fairness? You’re an anti-American, immigrant terrorist!
RIVERA:
... with a promise of jobs in a country with basically full domestic
employment.
O'REILLY:
Who cares?
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERA:
Do you want your viewers to go knocking on people's door, door to door?
O'REILLY:
Yes!
RIVERA:
"Are you an illegal? I want to take you outside and do something to
you."
O'REILLY:
Of course I do. Aren’t you listening to me?
RIVERA:
History has seen what happens when you single out people like that!
O'REILLY:
I’m okay with that!
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY:
You don't let these people stay here!
RIVERA:
No. Wait. Wait. I think — let's calm down.
O'REILLY:
No!
RIVERA:
Fine!
(THEY START
HITTING EACH OTHER WITH FURNITURE)
April 9
Falwell
Wants a “White Chocolate Jesus”
Jerry Falwell admitted
that he had no problem with the concept of an anatomically correct
“Chocolate Jesus,” but was adamantly opposed to a “racially
incorrect Chocolate Jesus.”
The “My Sweet Lord”
display in
New York City
, canceled last week in response to “a choir of whining Catholics”
was created from more than 200 pounds of milk chocolate, and thus, according
to Falwell, falsely implied that Jesus was a black man.
“Maybe the Easter
Bunny was black, but Jesus – no dice!” Falwell told anyone who would
listen.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 255 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
