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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 25
Limbaugh:
Satan and the Clintons Linked to Imus’ Downfall
Infamous pill
popper and all round toxic gas bag, Rush Limbaugh sees the hand of the
Clinton political machine and their buddy Satan, in the ouster of diarrhea
mouthed, racist, Don Imus — an outspoken critic of, among other things,
Hillary, Satan, Hilary Satan’s husband, the clothes that Satan and the
Clinton’s wear, the family pets of Satan and the Clinton’s, and young
black female athletes.
Discussing what he sees as an upcoming assault on blow
hole, yammer-mouth, anti-Democrat and anti-Satan conservatives on the radio,
Limbaugh screamed at his listeners: “Understand that this is a Democrat
Party, 'drive-by media,' a Satan image machine — or Satan machine
agenda — this pot smoking machine, it’s more powerful than a
locomotive and faster than a speeding stain on LSD, speed, heroin and a little dress. It’s the
super Clinton Satan machine and it wants to suppress and kill conservative
information, which it labels misinformation. People, the sky is
falling!’”
He
continued: “These pernicious, oral sex loving, tax evading, racist hating,
prescription pharmaceutical taking... Wait, scratch that one – These heathens,
they will say that their purpose is to eliminate conservative information
because it’s misinformation, but that’s disinformation about
misinformation and, ergo uninformative and disinformed misinformation.
Or is that misinformed disinformation? Um, my point is, uh, wait, hang
on… Before Imus was fired by CBS, Hillary... Or maybe Satan, or maybe both of
them, sent a mass e-mail to her supporters, saying Imus’ comments about the
Rutgers
women’s basketball team showed small-minded bigotry and coarse sexism…
And, let’s be honest, only a Demo headed ho... Or Satan, would say something as ignorant
as that. Who's with me on this?”
April 24
RIP:
The Cup of Coffee 9th Century – 2007
The Cup of Coffee has been drained for the last time after being swamped by
the planet's unchecked demand for increasingly baroque and bastardised coffee
hybrids including frappaccinos, mochaccinnos and latteccinos served by
overworked pimply teens living in eternal fear of being fired for failing to
say "Have a nice day" with the proper company-approved sincere
expression.
The Cup of Coffee was first brewed from the roasted beans of the coffee plant
in
Ethiopia
in the 9th century, proving so stimulating that, after drinking just one cup,
coffee exporters stayed up for six straight months, only falling asleep after
flogging gallons of the new beverage as far as
Egypt
and
Yemen
.
After expanding steadily throughout the Middle East and thus helping to
promote the calm and relaxed attitude which pervades the region even to this
day, by the 17th century the new brew had reached Europe, with the Dutch in
particular enjoying the benefits of increased blood pressure and heart rate of
the Cup of Coffee in their world-famous coffee houses, so much so that they
were soon forced to start taking massive tokes on the nearest available spliff
to calm themselves down.
The practice of stumbling from one’s bed half-dumb with fatigue towards the
stove to brew up an energising cup spread to the
New World
– but not until the third cup of coffee had hit the spot. Indeed, the
American War of Independence was started by the craze for a good cup of mud
after jittery Bostonians rejected a shipment of tea, angrily throwing it into
the harbour – even though the water wasn’t boiling and they hadn't
added the milk first.
But Americans grew tired of the Cup of Coffee and began experimenting with new
ways of ingesting their favourite drug, mixing it with cold sugary colas,
adding it to the water supply and cross-breeding it with flavoured syrups and
giving it faux Italian names with the suffix -ccino.
The fatal blow was dealt with the introduction of Shower Shock soap which
releases the same amount of caffeine into the bloodstream as a couple of cups
of coffee – as you lather yourself in the shower to achieve that just
scrubbed roasted fresh smell in the mornings. Appalled at the news, the Cup of
Coffee expired in a wave of bitter suds.
The Cup of Coffee will have its ashes/grounds tossed into a coffee urn and
pitched away somewhere. It is survived by a decaf super grande skinny
mochalattefrappaespressoccino… and a nice cup of tea.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 244 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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