Avery's Journal

Britney Spears is allegedly planning to get someone to write a book for her, plaster her name on it as the writer, and hopefully make scads of cash. The theme of this great work of literature seems to be, “everyone is to blame for me being a drug addicted, boozing, smarmy, white trash, whining, caterwauler.”

The millionaire singer is said to be "hurt and angry" about the people around her and how they have failed her and now, with the aid of a ghost writer (whom she will no doubt later blame for lousy book sales) is now set to exorcise her demons by naming the people "who did me wrong!"

Oh boy… A source (who will later be blamed for revealing poor Britney’s secrets) told America 's Star magazine: "Britney blames all of her problems with drugs and alcohol on the heartache she experienced years before, during her time with Justin - she couldn't trust him. She blames her beady eyes on DNA, specifically her father’s, and she blames Sinead O’Connor for her recent bout of baldness. As well, she blames Santa for not giving her a Malibu Barbie Doll when she was 7-years-old.”

Word is she’s really pissed at St. Nick who she believes lied to her about the gift and so subsequently destroyed her self-esteem and ability to believe in fake holiday figureheads.

"A mall Santa promised her that doll and then he didn’t come through. Britney blames him for her ending up fat. And then because she got fat, Justin Timberlake was mean to her at the end of their relationship, and told her she'd need to lose weight before he would have sex with her. It’s a complex and tenuous link, but there it is..."

According to the source, "When Santa and Justin learn about this book, they are going to be pissed."

Britney, 25, dated Justin - who she met on Disney show 'The Mickey Mouse Club' - for almost four years until 2001. Not surprisingly, she blames Mickey for introducing them, and is said to have sent a giant mouse trap to his house. Mickey, who was once linked romantically with Britney, was unavailable for comment.

Sources also claim the book may reveal the singer and mother-of-two blames God for her marriage to Kevin Federline.

“She took an oath before God,” and it didn’t work out, “she feels that God let her down and betrayed her. She’s super pissed at the Lord,” said (sayeth?) the source.

The book will also allegedly expose Britney's mother, 51-year-old Lynne, as the person she blames the most for everything that has gone wrong in her life.

The source said: "Britney will call her a 'stage mom from hell' and blame her for almost every ill in her life – because, let’s be honest, none of this is Britney’s fault. “

Limbaugh: Satan and the Clintons Linked to Imus’ Downfall

Infamous pill popper and all round toxic gas bag, Rush Limbaugh sees the hand of the Clinton political machine and their buddy Satan, in the ouster of diarrhea mouthed, racist, Don Imus — an outspoken critic of, among other things, Hillary, Satan, Hilary Satan’s husband, the clothes that Satan and the Clinton’s wear, the family pets of Satan and the Clinton’s, and young black female athletes.

Discussing what he sees as an upcoming assault on blow hole, yammer-mouth, anti-Democrat and anti-Satan conservatives on the radio, Limbaugh screamed at his listeners: “Understand that this is a Democrat Party, 'drive-by media,' a Satan image machine — or Satan machine agenda — this pot smoking machine, it’s more powerful than a locomotive and faster than a speeding stain on LSD, speed, heroin and a little dress. It’s the super Clinton Satan machine and it wants to suppress and kill conservative information, which it labels misinformation. People, the sky is falling!’”

He continued: “These pernicious, oral sex loving, tax evading, racist hating, prescription pharmaceutical taking... Wait, scratch that one – These heathens, they will say that their purpose is to eliminate conservative information because it’s misinformation, but that’s disinformation about misinformation and, ergo uninformative and disinformed misinformation. Or is that misinformed disinformation? Um, my point is, uh, wait, hang on… Before Imus was fired by CBS, Hillary... Or maybe Satan, or maybe both of them, sent a mass e-mail to her supporters, saying Imus’ comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team showed small-minded bigotry and coarse sexism… And, let’s be honest, only a Demo headed ho... Or Satan, would say something as ignorant as that. Who's with me on this?”

The Cup of Coffee has been drained for the last time after being swamped by the planet's unchecked demand for increasingly baroque and bastardised coffee hybrids including frappaccinos, mochaccinnos and latteccinos served by overworked pimply teens living in eternal fear of being fired for failing to say "Have a nice day" with the proper company-approved sincere expression.

The Cup of Coffee was first brewed from the roasted beans of the coffee plant in Ethiopia in the 9th century, proving so stimulating that, after drinking just one cup, coffee exporters stayed up for six straight months, only falling asleep after flogging gallons of the new beverage as far as Egypt and Yemen .

After expanding steadily throughout the Middle East and thus helping to promote the calm and relaxed attitude which pervades the region even to this day, by the 17th century the new brew had reached Europe, with the Dutch in particular enjoying the benefits of increased blood pressure and heart rate of the Cup of Coffee in their world-famous coffee houses, so much so that they were soon forced to start taking massive tokes on the nearest available spliff to calm themselves down.

The practice of stumbling from one’s bed half-dumb with fatigue towards the stove to brew up an energising cup spread to the New World – but not until the third cup of coffee had hit the spot. Indeed, the American War of Independence was started by the craze for a good cup of mud after jittery Bostonians rejected a shipment of tea, angrily throwing it into the harbour – even though the water wasn’t boiling and they hadn't added the milk first.

But Americans grew tired of the Cup of Coffee and began experimenting with new ways of ingesting their favourite drug, mixing it with cold sugary colas, adding it to the water supply and cross-breeding it with flavoured syrups and giving it faux Italian names with the suffix -ccino.

The fatal blow was dealt with the introduction of Shower Shock soap which releases the same amount of caffeine into the bloodstream as a couple of cups of coffee – as you lather yourself in the shower to achieve that just scrubbed roasted fresh smell in the mornings. Appalled at the news, the Cup of Coffee expired in a wave of bitter suds.

The Cup of Coffee will have its ashes/grounds tossed into a coffee urn and pitched away somewhere. It is survived by a decaf super grande skinny mochalattefrappaespressoccino… and a nice cup of tea.


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