"Remember kids, it’s only funny until someone loses an ideology."
It’s really not as bad as it sounds! Get my rants on a regular basis by sending me your email address.
"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 11
Drunk Santa’s
“It’s
the most drunken filled time of the year.”
…Especially if
you’re a mall Santa.Let’s
face it, if you are, you’ve been happily unemployed all year and now here
you are throwing all those glorious memories of welfare and sleeping until
noon away.And for what?A few lousy bucks.It’s a
terrible, thankless job that forces grown men into hot, itchy suits. Why not
just prostitute yourself? The hours and money are better. This
job sullies the final month of your year with horrific days and nights that
involve screaming kids who may or may not pee on you.Why, it’s enough to drive any sane Santa to drink…
I
ho-ho-hope, I don’t puke on you… Ah, what do I care? This
Santa buys his booze at a hardware store…
Santa
doesn't like having a demon seed on his knee, that's why he has a monkey on
his back!
December 9
PRETTIGE
KERSTDAGEN
Flemish Translation:
Prettige Kerstdagen: “I Am
Nothing But A Poorly Groomed Human Chia Pet.”
Not so merry holiday songs caterwauled by me, lenny dee
Oh crap, is it Christmas already?
Guess that means it’s time to pull out the old smelly Santa suit, clean the
dog’s ears and sing until I make the kids cry tears of blood. I hope
you enjoy my Christmas album. It’s basically me weeping and drunkenly
moaning out standard Christmas Carols. God, I’m so alone. Thank Christ
for my dogs… At least I’ve got something to eat. You know, should my
situation get really desperate. Anything could happen, I guess. But remember,
like the song says: We need a little Christmas... And I really
need to get laid.
Show Up In A Gorilla Suit
You are now instantly the funniest person in the room and the official life of
the party.Smile with glib
satisfaction under that mask as the drones with lampshades on their heads
seethe with jealousy.Expect that
big pay raise in January for this masterstroke of office politics.
Don't Worry About…
…Your body odour, or brushing your teeth, you’re not here to impress
people with your hygiene, you’re here to party and get down and dirty – and
you’re already off to a head start when it comes to dirty!
Dress Inappropriately
If you can’t find a gorilla suit then go for something slutty. When you look
in the mirror, if you can see a body part that's normally blurred out on TV,
that means you’re on the right track.Now
take it to the next level!
Eat Way Too Much
The prospect of free food is overwhelming, so stuff that face of yours. Gorge
away.Hey, a gorilla would – so
why not you?
Photocopy Body Parts
The allure of a photocopier is big at in-office holiday parties. Resistance
is futile.
Get Drunk
The alcohol is free. You now have
a great reason and subsequent excuse.Get drunk.
Make Fun Of YourBoss
Now that you’re liquored up, this is practically mandatory.Do it with your pants (or gorilla suit) at half mast.
Be the Last to Leave
Yes, you’ll reek of desperation if you become that leech at the bar who just
never leaves. But that gorilla suit isn’t due back until 9am tomorrow
– so take full advantage.
December 1 (Rabbits)
An
Open Letter to “nick the bagpiper”
I love getting mail and over the past couple of years I’ve received my fair
share of letters. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to get one
from a fellow Scot telling me to stop making fun of myself and my tartan
tribe… That is, until I received the following hilarious
missive from “nick the bagpiper” scorning me for, gasp!
making fun of
Scotland
! I gotta admit – I never saw this one coming.
Below are nick’s delightful musings.I was particularly fond of his closing suggestion, as I, like everyone
else in the free world, am always looking to the Scots for unwanted advice.
i think making fun of scottish
people is wrong. it's like me making fun of americans. i have been playing the
bagpipes for 1 year and i sound great. some people don't warm to the sound of
bagpipes, but the people that do love them! you don't want another one of
these letters from a pissed off scot, so think twice when you make fun of what
we do,are,and what we play.here is a suggestion, take down this site and never
talk to anyone about it again!!!
Funny stuff, yes?
nick’s email of Sat, Nov 11, 2006 8:10 am was in response to my April 3
2006 journal entry which was, of
course, all about making fun of
Scotland...
Let’s
see, we can’t make fun of blacks, Jews, and Italians, so I don’t know who
walks into a bar and for what reason anymore. We certainly can’t go after
the prophet Mohammad, which also means no more prophet motive jokes. So all
that leaves is the Scottish. Luckily for us, they’re so drunk all the time
you can insult them and they respond by getting pissed off, then getting
pissed, and then waking up in a ditch next to a loch and wondering how the
hell they got there. Ah
Scotland
! Land of the deep fried, well, everything. The glorious soul rattling noise
of the bagpipes. An instrument that when played, sounds like a gorilla
sexually assaulting a moose. You don’t hear that very often! And with good
reason. Let’s not forget
Edinburgh
. The capital city of
Scotland
produces more heroin junkies per capita then anywhere else in the world.
Congratulations
Edinburgh
! And of course, try as hard you might, who can forget Scottish cuisine? It
revolves around, fish, chips, mushy pees and then spewing them up later after
several pints. Cultural icons include Sean Connery, Groundskeeper Willy and
the Loch
Ness
Monster… Hey, there’s a good group!
Not
nearly as funny as nick’s email, I agree.But that’s not going to stop this daft Scot from responding to my new
pen pal.nick gets an open letter
because he didn’t leave me an email address to respond personally.I do hope he gets a chance to read this.Although I suspect he was probably so weighed down with the pints that
he has no recollection of the past 20 years of his life, let alone writing yet
another angry letter to a stranger.
So
let’s dissect this wee piece of haggis!
Nick
opens up by boldly telling me, i
think making fun of scottish people is wrong.
My response to this wacky statement? I laugh. Oh how I laugh.I reread the line and laugh harder. And then I laugh some more.I call my Scottish wife into the room and show her the email. She
laughs. We laugh.We laugh the day
away. And then we laugh some more. I don’t think we’ve ever been closer.
We call our Scottish families and read them the email. They laugh so hard we
start laughing again.Emails with
the subject line “nick the bagpiper” are forwarded.Occasionally, when we all stop chortling, guffawing and falling over
laughing, we pretend to be solemn and agree that making fun of the Scots is
wrong… Then comes another round of laughter.
Having stated his case, nick then makes a rather brazen assumption: it's
like me making fun of americans.
Sorry nick, but I’m not sure how a fellow Scot making fun of the Scottish is
like you making fun of Americans.Now
if you made fun of the Scots, well, that analogy, I could see.And also, what’s wrong with making fun of Americans? Making fun of
America
is a long and, yes, fun, tradition.They
can take it, nick.Break out that
rapier wit of yours and have at them, lad!Also, for the record, I live in
Canada
.We’re the bland version of
Americans.And not to get too
technical nick, but the rant about
Scotland
was written to be performed by a cartoon ant named Avery.…Now he isn’t Scottish.I guess what you should have said was this:it's like me making fun of ants
And as Avery says, “we’re all ants.”
Moving on…
i
have been playing the bagpipes for 1 year and i sound great. some people don't
warm to the sound of bagpipes, but the people that do love them!
And here we are! At the crux of this whole thing. It
was my bagpipe comments that have rattled my new, bony mate.And instead of sticking a reed in his mouth and blowing his bagpipe,
Nick let his fingers do the caterwauling this time. I’m not sure there are
any winners here but I am pleased to read that nick thinks he sounds great…
He bravely admits that “some” people don’t “warm” to the “sound”
of bagpipes, although he doesn’t get too specific about any of this and
quickly follows up his lie by stating that the people that do warm up to
bagpipes eventually end up loving them.I
dunno, sounds like a big leap to me.If
they do end up loving them it must be one twisted and horrid kind of love
affair. You know, the type with lots of weird and unhealthy codependence going
on.
Nick then writes you don't want another one of these letters from a
pissed off scot,
What’s obvious here is that….
a) nick has never read any of my mum’s emails
b) a pissed off Scot is the same thing as a “pissed Scot”
c) there’s still no AA in
Scotland
Next up is his warning; which I guess I’m supposed to heed:so think twice when you make fun
of what we do,are,and what we play.
Thinking about that stuff once is more than enough, nick.Imagining them all together is just headache inducing.
here
is a suggestion, take down this site and never talk to anyone about it
again!!!
Three exclamation marks!!!Thanks
nick!!!I’ll get back to you on
that!!!
Tomorrow – The site remains up and I continue to talk about to everyone
about what a great laugh it is to make fun of
Scotland
.
November 28
High
Voltage Ninjas
I've had another one of of my Pucca episodes
posted on YouTube. This time it’s in
Danish... I think it's Danish… But don't quote me on that -- and don't quote
me on that in Danish. Anyway, all this talk of Danish is making me
hungry, so here’s the quick lowdown, should you want to give it a peek…
Pucca
is sitting at home on a stormy day watching a sappy romance show on TV,
imagining herself and Garu as the leads.Meanwhile,
Garu and Tobe are fighting in the wicked thunderstorm. A bolt of lightning
strikes Tobe and he becomes supercharged! Lightning fires from his sword and
hands, his ninja skills move at lightning speed. Tobe chases Garu through
town. When Pucca’s TV gets all wonky, she looks and sees what is happening
and decides to deal with this right away.She gives Garu an electric shock that juices him up and then he and
Tobe fight it out like a couple of electrified videogame warriors...
November 24
The
Sad and
True
Story of The Chipmunks
1958.
Conductor Dave
Seville
discovers three filthy chipmunks rooting through his garbage. They plead for
their lives and he realizes that talking squirrels can make him money. Lots
of it! He orders the three helium voiced rodents to sing a bunch of
songs and throw in some comedy while he records them at gunpoint. “Let’s All Sing With The Chipmunks” goes gold and makes a star
out of all of them, particularly the alpha chipmunk –
Alvin
.
The
early 1960’s… Alvin
is no longer taking orders from Dave, who has succumbed to alcoholism and fits
of rage.
Alvin
agrees to make a second “Let’s All Sing With The Chipmunks” album but
only if he receives top billing.He
also demands that he and the Chipmunks lose the corny barbershop suits, wear
beatnik turtlenecks (oh the irony!) and receive vast amounts of cosmetic
surgery. Simon and Theodore, who have already become rather frightened of Alvin
, willingly agree. Dave tries to flush him down the toilet and a power
struggle ensues resulting in Dave getting bit by Alvin
and subsequently acquiescing.Dave
contracts rabies and is mercilessly teased by Alvin
throughout the entire recording. During
the recording of the album Dave tries to kill Alvin several more times. By
now his furious screeching and yelling at the precocious rodent is no longer
an act. The album outsells the first.Alvin
quits the group and claims he is bigger than Jesus.He then vanishes from public view.Unconfirmed sightings include an IRA hovel in
Belfast
, a palace in
Calcutta
and a tree in
Central Park
.
Five
years later and after several visits to drug rehab centers as well as a couple
of loony bins, Dave manages to sober up and get his life on track. He
tracks down
Alvin
and convinces him to come out of retirement and record their third and final
album, “The Alvin Show.”By
now Dave is destitute, having squandered all his money on tube socks and gin.Alvin
agrees but tells Dave his new role in this album will be radically changed.
Dave is consigned to cleaning up squirrel poop and procuring prostitutes for
all the Chipmunks (yes, even Theodore!).Alvin
writes, records, engineers, and produces the album. He uses all kinds of
elaborate studio tricks and gimmicks. Rumours abound that if you play Chitty
Chitty Bang Bang, backwards, you can hear
Alvin
evoking Satan and encouraging kids to smoke reefer…The album bombs with fans and critics alike.Three weeks later, Alvin
accidentally kills himself while attempting auto erotic asphyxiation. At his lavish
and celebrity filled funeral, a drunken Dave gives a eulogy simply stating he
hopes Alvin
rots in Hell. Two weeks later Dave
is found dead in a bathtub in The Chelsea Hotel with a bullet hole in his
head. Simon and Theodore are charged with his murder. During the trial the two
admit to a homosexual relationship with each other but vehemently deny
murdering Mr. Seville. They are found guilty and sentenced to life
imprisonment. Theodore is stabbed to death in Riker's Prison. In 1995
Simon is released from Attica Correctional Facility. He is considered a
revered cult figure among trendy urban kids and he tours North America and
Europe opening for Pearl Jam. Two years later, while recording his first
solo album, the tentatively titled, "Simon Says" he is found
dead on the studio toilet. The coroner attributes his death to natural
causes.
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 13 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
