"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
February 2
Zombies of
Nam
Part II
Many,
many, years ago, while writing for a film magazine (that no longer exists and
so shall remain dead and nameless) I was asked to write an article pitching
outrageous film ideas that never made it beyond the one page outline.
It was a fun assignment and I managed to come up with quite a few
rather, um, “outrageous” pitches. Some of these included, Revenge
of the Hockey Playing Sheep, Gidget Goes To Hell, and, one of my personal
favorites, Zombies of Nam.
I
posted “Zombies” in this journal back in May of last year and figured that
was the end of that until I received a very nice email from a fellow by the
name of Rama Lama, with the subject line: I
Wrote “The Zombies of Nam”
In it, Rama informed me that he wrote a screenplay called, get ready for it, "The
Zombies of Nam" and that – among other things – it’s existed for
over 20 years; is copyrighted and registered with the Writer's Guild, and has
been to the top of Columbia and Paramount development boards.
This really made my day and once again proves that, no matter how bizarre,
there is always something else similar to yours out there in the ether. I
spent a fun week corresponding with Rama, and he directed me to some of his
humour writing. His weekly column, I
Was On Welfare For The CIA ran in the L.A. Free Press and it’s funny
stuff. You can also find more of
Rama’s writing and music at Life
Is Dull.
February 1 (Rabbits)
The Stupid Bowl
Stupid Bowl
Greetings from the good folks at Chuck’s Car Emporium
The
Stupid Bowl is the nation's most overrated sporting event. 99% of the
time it’s nothing but a colossal bore. The
only good thing that can be said about it is that it gets you out of
churchgoing and that it provides a good excuse to drink copious amount of
alcohol – after all, when something is that long, tedious and boring, what
else are you gonna do but get dangerously sloshed?
The
endless media sessions... the Stupid Bowl Week parties... the massive and
mind-numbing pre-game and halftime productions... celebrities everywhere...
“ground-breaking” commercials on the telecast... oh, and the game itself
– it’s the ultimate display in self-aggrandizing pomp and hype.
Still, over the years some strange things have happened. Here is this peon’s
five fave Stupid Bowl moments.
1.
I fall into a keg of beer and almost drown
The
Miami Dolphins hoped to expand their 14-0 lead over the Washington Redskins in
Super Bowl VII. Garo Yepremian came onto the field to kick a 42-yard field
goal with less than 3 minutes to play.
I
was told by the doctors that the kick was blocked and some crazy, but
inconsequential crap resulted. But the main thing I recall is staggering
over to my keg, cracking open the top to get at the dregs and falling into it.
Apparently I nearly drowned. I had booze in my pores for a week. It was great!
2. Janet Jackson, wardrobe malfunction
The
Stupid Bowl produces the most over hyped moment on television and Pat
Robertson and the religious right nut-jobs goes into overdrive.
Puritanical
America
comes alive and all thanks to a no talent singer and her unattractive nipple.
And I missed it all because once again I had fallen into my keg and almost
drowned. An all time low for
America
and me.
3.
I miss the game and watch a Merchant Ivory film instead... and all to
try and impress a girl
Not
only do I not get laid (or see any nipples), but I discover even worse viewing
than the Super Bowl. Helena Bonham Carter becomes the new monster of my
nightmares.
4.
Michael Jackson fantasy show
Before
Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction ruined things for the rest of us, her
older brother Michael, surrounded by children (’natch), lip synched
"Heal the World." Sickening enough, to be sure, but watching
him grab his crotch while he was doing it was the capper. That I year I
willingly threw myself into the keg.
5.
I can’t get a keg for the Stupid Bowl
The big day
arrives and I realize I’ve forgotten to get a keg. Undaunted, I fill
my swimming pool with bottled beer. All in all, a rousing success!
January 31
Would You Buy a Car From This Man?
Name:
Zack (aka: “The Zackster”)
Works at: “Chuck’s Car
Emporium”
Things you should know about Zack: President
of the K-Fed fan club. Afflicted with both the “jim jams” and
the “hab dabs.” Will eat light bulb for 25 cents.
Self proclaimed “dancing fool and walking zombie.” Best friend is a
sheep. Doesn’t have driver’s
license. Thinks cars are the tool of Satan.
Thinks 3 pronged wall plugs are the tool of Satan.
Thinks his power tools are the tools of Satan.
Actually, thinks pretty much everything is the tool of Satan…
Likes to guzzle toilet water. Was a teenage werewolf. Will die a
virgin. Favourite food is "meat."
Adjectives describing him:
Pernicious, idiotic, carnivorous, malodorous, stunned, whimsical,
discombobulated, gormless.
If you said “Yes”:
Then Zack eats meat tonight.
January 30
Would You Buy a Car From This Man?
Name: Ralph (aka: “The Ralphster”)
Works at: “Chuck’s Car
Emporium”
Things you should know about Ralph: When
you’re not looking, he checks your scalp for things to eat.
Once spent an entire afternoon sticking a knife into a turned on
toaster (refers to this practice as “toaster buzz”).
Frequently orders “brains” when at Burger King. Is getting more
handsome with age. Is a
kleptomaniac alcoholic, who, oddly enough, doesn’t steal booze.
Believes cell phones give people radiation testicle poisoning.
Has been known to place phones near genitals on more than one occasion.
Prone to fits of exaggeration. Drinks mouthwash and cranberry cocktails.
Vaguely human. Doesn’t believe we evolved from apes.
Has no regrets that he voted for Bush.
Adjectives describing him:
Pestilent, wiggy, perpendicular, swarthy, desperate, phantasmagorical,
gaseous.
If you said “Yes”:
Then anyone can sell you a car.
January 29
Would
You Buy a Car From This Man?
Name: Chuck (aka: “The Chuckster”)
Works at: “Chuck’s
Car Emporium”
Things you should know about Chuck:
In high school he experimented
with hashish, heavy petting and blood drinking.
Was once rather handsome – now not so much.
Has an insatiable desire to send people endless “funny emails.” Lives
in a Trailer Park and has a second mortgage on his trailer as well as his
sneakers. Can still fit into his old powder blue high school graduation
tuxedo. Didn't graduate from high school.
Prone to bed sweats. Considers
gin part of his daily diet. Possibly not human.
Also, that thing with the hole in his mouth...
Adjectives
describing him: Crude,
nonliterate, pagan, undomesticated, festering, prank-loving, rank, and
flea-ridden.
If you said “Yes”:
You'll buy a car from anyone.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 325 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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