"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
February 6
Lincoln
Bedroom Gets A Makeover
Laura
Bush
says new
bedroom
is
“the
perfect
make-out room”
A
hundred and ninety-eight years after Abraham Lincoln's very messy birth, the
White House's Lincoln Bedroom finally looks like a room the great man would
like to make sexy love in.
Until
recently, Lincoln furniture, a copy of the Gettysburg Address, and some of
Lincoln’s “naughty limericks” (There
once was whore from Washington State/Who could do a strange trick when she
would masturbate…) were displayed against the stained walls, Tom and
Jerry curtains and shag carpet —not the vivid golds and
purples, heavy fabrics and large patterns of Lincoln's era.
One reason for glaring historical fib was to focus attention on the
chamber's historic chamber pots. Another: no one seemed to really give a crap
(except into the chamber pots); as well (and get ready for this), mid-century Americans disdained Victorian décor, which they equated with the
horrific house in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho."
So there you have it... It’s all Norman Bates’ fault.
But
now, under First Lady Laura Bush and White House curator Bill Allman, the
bedroom has been impressively restored to, as Laura so eloquently puts it,
“More of a 1970’s funky chicken look.”
Yes,
garish reds, a waterbed, a big honking bong, a tacky bedspread with what
appears to be faux ancient Egyptian symbols, orange pillows, cheap Pier 1
wicker, and other 1970’s fashion
home decoration crimes now fill the
chamber, which, apparently was never Lincoln's bedroom but was his “mole
burning room . “
In its newest incarnation, the Lincoln Bedroom will allow visitors to sense that mystical aura of the Civil War martyr, and all through
the tacky colour choices of decorator/spiritual medium, Laura Bush.
February 5
Take the Avery “Love Test”
With the Stupor Bowl over, the next thing we have to dread is Valentine’s
Day. Yes, we now move from
the world of beer, pizza and cheering for big goons on steroids, to the land
of chocolates, flowers, and bad Hallmark poetry.
Oh, and we’ll also have to face those annoying little tests that suddenly
pop up everywhere that claim to tell you what kind of romantic you are.
Like this one...
The Avery Love Test:
1. When
I think of Valentine’s
Day I want to…
a) kill people
b) drink alone
c) masturbate compulsively
d) do something romantic
That’s
it. Simple, huh?
So here are the results. If
you chose…
a: You’re a psychotic and likely
just recently out of jail once again, thus proving that the courts and penal
system have let society down.
b: You’re a lonely alcoholic.
You’ll do the same thing you did on Stupor Bowl Sunday and last
Christmas – drink alone. Hey,
knock yourself out! (Hint: A good
way is to stagger into a wall.)
c: You’re not so much a romantic
as a sex addict. There’s a
difference, and sorry to tell you this but Hallmark hasn’t invented a card
or day for you yet.
d:
You’re a romantic – or so you claim.
This means you will likely do one of the following: buy flowers; buy
chocolate; buy a card; buy all of the above.
Yeah, how romantic!
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 321 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
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