"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
February 23
I called this one a long time back, yes?
Anglican
and Catholic Churches to Merge
Part-time
Priests
A
growing disinterest and lack of trust in organized religion has been cited as
the primary motivation behind the Roman Catholic Church's sudden announcement
that it will lay off 10% of all priests while reducing another 25% to
part-time status. "We're just not bringing in the houses" explains
Cardinal Izzy (crazy legs) Cleaver. "It all comes down to bums in seats.
If we can't fill the pews we can't pay the bills. Saving a soul has its own
rewards but you can't take it to the bank".
Cardinal Izzy claims that this move was a last ditch effort to economize.
"We regret the layoffs, however we feel that when combined with the move
to part-time employees this will increase the efficiency of modern religion
while also lowering overhead and payroll".
The
part-time priests will be free to pursue secular interests such as lusting
after false idols, in the hours in which they are not actively preaching or
performing other priestly duties. Does this mean that part-time priests will
be able to marry? "No" says Izzy, "however we are considering
allowing them to shack up. At the very least they will be able to date and
experiment with heavy petting".
The
disclosure of layoffs has renewed speculation that the Catholic and
Protestant
Churches
may be moving toward merger in order to better secure their `soul' market
share. The new church (Cathostants or Protelics depending on who you speak to)
has been denied by all Church officials however high ranking Protestants have
apparently been seen in
Vatican City
playing ice hockey with the Pope.
The
Priesthood has not taken the news well. Many priests feel betrayed and are
convinced that the layoffs are a smokescreen used to get rid of clergy who
hold conflicting views with
Rome
. One Priest, who wishes to remain anonymous, confessed that the time has come
for action and admits that he and others like him, have already contacted the
teamsters and are considering forming a union. "Then we walk" he
says seriously, "Immediate strike action. Picket lines, pithy slogans,
chanting, violence... All the stuff you usually associate with the
church".
"It
certainly gives new meaning to the term `Hell no, we won't go!" joked
satirical columnist Rabbi Bernstein in last Monday’s edition of News for the
Jews. "The Big G has used locusts and plagues in the past, what will it
be this time, scabs?" When asked whether the church would consider using
scab priests if a strike should occur Cardinal Cleaver is quick to take a fire
and brimstone stance. "God's will shall be served and if I have to hire a
pizza delivery boy to do it, so be it".
As pressures mount all that can be done is sit back and wait, but for many the
damage is already done. "I'm pissed off and quite frankly the Seventh Day
Adventists look really sensible to me right now" said one unhappy church
goer. "God is a right not a privilege and I want my God".
God herself was unavailable for comment.
February 22
This
Week: Little Known
Literary Genres
February 21
February 20
February 19
February 16
February 15
February 14
February 13
February 12
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 304 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
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