"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
February 27
Ask.
Dr. Science
Hey
kids, do you have science questions that you want explained? Then send them to
“Ask Dr. Science” and he’ll be sure to answer them for you! It’ll be a
keen and super fun learning experience!
Dear
Dr. Science,
Why does my nose sometimes get itchy?
Billy (Age 6)
Dear
Billy,
What? How the hell should I know? You
stupid,
half-witted, moronic, brat, I’m
scientist not a freaking paediatrician.
You ignorant snot-nosed kids out there make me sick! (Oh, and that’s
probably why your nose is itchy, Billy! Give it a wipe for God’s sake!) So
listen up to Dr. Science:
If you stupid
rug rats
don’t have any relevant science
questions to ask – then don’t
bother wasting my time. Smarten up – all of ya!
Your nose is itchy… Jesus Christ...
Dr. Science (Age
53)
February 26
Jung Drivers of
Canada
A driving lesson. The Kid enters
the car. The Instructor/Analyst jots some notes down a on a notepad and then
hands the kid a set of keys.
Instructor/Analyst:
Now just relax and put the key in the ignition.
Kid: Which
key?
Instructor/Analyst:
Do you find anyone particularly appealing?
Kid: Pardon me…?
Instructor/Analyst:
Didn’t you hear what I just said?
Kid: Yes…
It’s just that…
Instructor/Analyst: And yet you
chose to disbelieve my comments.
Kid:
Oh. Uh, should I start the motor?
Instructor/Analyst:
You’re not sure that’s the proper procedure?
Kid:
Yes, I was just…
Instructor/Analyst:
A trifle unsure?
Kid: Unsure?
Instructor/Analyst:
Very interesting…
He
writes in his notepad.
Kid:
You see, I’ve only driven a car once before.
Instructor/Analyst:
With your father?
Kid: My
mother, actually.
Instructor/Analyst:
Ah. Of course. It all fits into place now. Please start the car.
Kid:
I’m a bit unsure of standards. I
haven’t had any experience with gear shifts, but I always thought they were
a lot more fun than automatics.
Instructor/Analyst: Do you often
think of gear shifts?
They
are now driving.
Kid:
I wouldn’t go that far.
Instructor/Analyst:
No.
Kid:
Left or right?
Instructor/Analyst:
You’ve missed several options. Do corners hold any special appeal?
Kid:
No, turning onto the street simply seemed logical.
Instructor/Analyst:
So, you had anticipated
beforehand the need to change direction – to alter the course you seemed
destined to follow. Is it because
you fear what lies ahead? Or because you fear the unknown?
Kid:
I’m blocking traffic.
Instructor/Analyst:
You don’t want to upset the normal balance?
Kid:
I don’t want to get punched in the nose. The guy behind me is getting
angry.
Instructor/Analyst:
Does he worry you? Interesting.
Turn left.
Kid:
Sorry.
Instructor/Analyst:
Do you feel the need to apologize?
Kid:
Sorry.
They
drive in silence.
Kid:
I’ve dreamed about the day I get my license.
The
Instructor/Analyst looks very interested.
Instructor/Analyst: Really?
And what happens?
Kid: (not noticing and lost in his own
thoughts) I really want to get my license.
I’ll be able to drive my friends around.
Drive up to the cottage.
Instructor/Analyst: You have
a cottage?
Kid:
Yeah. My folks used to take me up there every summer.
Instructor/Analyst:
Pleasant, was it?
Kid:
Oh yeah, I’d lie back in the station wagon (the
kid is now reclining back as the Instructor/Analyst takes notes) and watch
the top of the tress as they
passed. My dad always said it was
a long, hard, drive. But I always
thought it was great.
Instructor/Analyst:
Long and hard, interesting.
Kid:
What?
Instructor/Analyst:
Oh nothing to worry about yet. Tell
me, did you resent your father for his feelings about the drive?
Kid:
Oh, no… Not at all.
But he always seemed so upset after the trip. He was too tired to go
swimming or come out and play ball with me.
Instructor/Analyst:
But surely you had the rest of the weekend together?
Kid:
No… After that he’d go golfing, or fishing, or drinking with his
friends… And not only that but he’d…
Instructor/Analyst:
At least your mother was there.
Kid:
Yeah, but she was always cooking and sending me outside. And there was
no one there to play with. So I’d sit around and talk to the tress and the
days would drag on and on. One
after the other – and me all alone… God I hate that place… I’ve always
hated that place. I never want to see that stinking hell hole again as long as
I live!!!!
Instructor/Analyst:
You might want to watch out for that oncoming truck.
The
kid sits up. Screams, turns the
wheel,
avoids the truck and hits the brake.
The car skids to a halt. The kid is
shook up and breathing heavily. Instructor/Analyst puts down his notebook,
smiles and checks his watch.
Instructor/Analyst: Well,
I see our hour is up.
Kid:
…Yes…
Instructor/Analyst:
I think we made some progress, wouldn’t you say?
Kid:
Oh… yes. Yes.
Instructor/Analyst:
Shall we say next Tuesday at 3pm for our next session?
Kid:
Um. Yes… Goodbye.
Instructor:
Goodbye.
The
kid exits the car. The Instructor/Analyst writes in his notebook.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 300 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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