"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 18
Everyone
Hates Us…
(Because We’re Better Than They Are)
Let
me start off by saying that even though I’m from
Toronto
and am apparently loathed by the rest of
Canada
, the feeling isn’t mutual. I guess I’m just comfortable with who my city
is. Sure it has it faults and
these days it tends to get polluted even in the winter (try and do that
Saskatoon!) but all in all I’d have to say that the reason the rest of the
country hates us comes down to one simple theory – they’re jealous.
It’s
true. Oh sure,
Vancouver
will vehemently deny it,
Halifax
will scoff, and Tuktuyuktuk will… well, who really cares what they do?
You see, the fact is that
Toronto
is essentially the major babe at high school: Unobtainable for your average
pimply and awkward Hamiltonion and therefore deemed a major cold hearted
bitch. Oh well, at least we have no shortage of prom date offers while poor
old western Canada will be going with its mom – again.
Call
it CN Tower envy, a lack of Dome anxiety or just plain sour grapes towards a
city with three, count ‘em three, major league losing sports teams, a
homelessness problem to die for and a much sought after crumbling
infrastructure – hey, who wouldn’t want some of this?
Now you’d think that
Toronto
– being the confident and arrogant center of the universe of a monster that
it is – wouldn’t be in the slightest bit stung by the slings and arrows of
the rest of them “other” cities (what are all their names again? And who
invited them here anyway?), but, wrong again, rest of
Canuck
Land. Even the most pompous of cities has its insecurities: And the fact that you
don’t think of us as the New York of Canada, really hurts!
And while you’re all so quick to dismiss
us, we are savvy enough to look to you for the occasional bit of guidance and
insight. Hey Montreal, sure you may be a bit kooky and rigid about those language laws of yours,
but man, have you got your priorities straight when it comes to booze.
You can pick up hooch at the local corner stores. We’ve seen you at
it and we think this is a great thing. But don’t get too cocky about your
influence over us; if you jumped off a large and dangerous bridge we
wouldn’t do the same. Unless you looked really, really cool doing it.
And
Calgary, that stampede thing of yours is really super duper special! Horses,
cowboy hats, pancakes and everything… Actually, that’s about it, isn’t
it? Anyway, my point is – good job.
We love PEI
because our poor relations make us feel better about ourselves and that’s
important. And the rest of the east does manage to import a few decent
comedians to Toronto
once in a while. Thanks for the odd laughs.
As for
Winnipeg
, well, Winnipeg
seems happy to host the majority of the country’s mosquitoes – that takes
guts and conviction. Way to be, Winny.
There are some who might say that the rest
of the country’s feelings about the big city that is
Hog
Town
say more about
Canada
than they do about
Toronto. It’s an interesting concept
and after much soul searching I’ve come to this conclusion: Look, they
simply hate us, it happens, get over it.
January 17
ASK
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask
Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m having a fancy schmancy dinner party. What
sort of tips or tricks do you advice to make the evening special?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmgh… What? Me advice
columnist not celebrated hostess. Rrragh! Still, me try to help. Mrrrr.
Avoid candles. Fire bad.
No play “Ave Marie” on violin. That sad.
Try not to kill guests; that means dinner event not work out.
Um, Rrragghhhh! Also: serve
booze. Lots of booze.
January 16
Enough Already!
The ghost of Di gets her revenge on the
bleeding paparazzi
The (sigh)
inquest into the death of the Princess of Wales (yawn) will be held (bigger
sigh) without a jury, a judge ruled Monday, arguing it would be difficult to
find a group of people who still care.
In her 34-page ruling, Baroness Elizabeth Butler-Sloss wrote that it would be
hard to find a jury who was not entirely bored, fed up, or just plain sick of
the whole Aug. 31, 1997 Paris car accident and the investigation that
followed.
Butler-Sloss
also confessed to being "bored silly with the whole thing" and said
that she wasn’t pleased about having such a silly last name, “but I was
born with – what can I do?” She then added that at least her name wasn’t
as ridiculous sounding as Dodi Fayed. “When I hear the words Dodi Fayed, I
think of an old barmy woman who’s lost her looks,” she said.
Princess Di is
widely known to be the most photographed ghost in heaven: If she really is in
heaven…
Butler-Sloss
said that her whereabouts in the afterlife would not be part of the
investigation.
January 15
Advice
For His Son...
Bush Sr. "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made
with your mother. I didn't pull out in time..."
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 340 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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