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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 26
This Week:
Stupid Deaths in History!
Aeschylus:
Greek playwright, legendary playboy and sodomite, stuffer of olives, lover of
calamari. Dates back to, like, 500
BC, dude. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
Others, not so much.
How he died: Hmm, well…
According to Aeschylus legend (and bearing in mind that the legends about the
guy tend to be somewhat over-exaggerated) the story goes that 10-headed eagles
were known to frequently pick up the city of Athens in attempts to crack it
open by dropping it on rocks… Anyway,
one day a 10-headed eagle (apparently in
need of ten sets of glasses) mistook Aeschylus' head for Athens (he was bald
and his head was, apparently, the size of a large Greek city). The myopic
beast picked him up and realizing
its mistake carried him back to his nest and deposited the playwright into a
time machine, thus transporting him to 1950’s
New York
. Upon arrival poor Aeschylus was promptly mugged by a gang of marauding
musical street toughs (either the Jets or the Sharks) for his toga and left to
die naked in a gutter in
Brooklyn
.
January 25
Horace
Wells:
Pioneered the use of anaesthesia in the 1840s and more importantly was
responsible for creating many famous dance steps.
How he died: Doing The Froog
While experimenting with various gases during his anaesthesia research, Wells
became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women
with sulphuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for
his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high on the stuff and that it made him
do “wacky shit.” Along with being a psycho drug addict, Wells was also
something of smooth operator on the dance floor, and when wasted, invented
many dance steps that are still done today. These include: The box-step, the
foxtrot and the tango. After
anaesthetizing himself with chloroform, Wells was inspired to create a new
dance called, The Froog. He gathered
round his dance students and explained the basic steps. “First,”
he told them, “you put one hand on your waist. Then you take the other and
slit your throat until there’s blood all over the place.”
It was the first and only time that he did The
Froog.
January 24
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a
philosopher, a writer, a joker, a smoker, a midnight toker, a scientist, he
was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's bathroom wall graffiti.
How he died: Wandered off
One morning in 1625, Bacon was high and feeling kooky.
As he sat in his kitchen watching a snowstorm he was struck by the
stoner’s wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in
the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he grabbed a nearby
chicken that he had been attempting to teach the English language, strangled
it, got the munchies and ate a boiled egg. Later, after another hit from his
bong, he refocused up on his original plan and took the chicken outside and
attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never
froze, and Bacon tiring of his totally lame experiment wandered off in search
of warm weather. He was never seen again…
January 23
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer (that, be honest, you’ve never heard of) from
way, way, way back in the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed
Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Of shame.
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table
before the meal was over. Oh sure, it was okay to own slaves and burn witches,
but one was still expected to know which fork to use for salad! Yes,
interesting times – not really. Brahe, known to drink excessively (a
completely forgivable practice), had a bladder the size of a peanut. But of
course, good manners ensured he kept this information to himself. Anyway,
while boozing it up one night he failed to relieve himself before the banquet
started and, being the smart guy he was, continued on boozing too much all
through the meal. Normally he would have been too polite (or loaded) to ask to
be excused, but worrying that his bladder might burst, thus killing him slowly
and painfully over several weeks, he announced he “really had to pee.” His
dinner companions were, of course mortified! Realizing his terrible mistake he
died of shame, right on the spot.
January 22
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all
of Asia by 450 AD-from
Mongolia
to the edge of the Russian Empire-by destroying villages and pillaging the
countryside.
How he died: From holding his breath too long on his wedding night.
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation
for ferocity on the battlefield, he was a timid little guy when it came
to matters of love. After
completely failing to satisfy his bride on the night of their nuptials, Ildico
offered to show Attila what to do to please a woman.
Attila, being the proud savage and insecure nut job that he was,
steadfastly refused. An argument
ensued and Attila told his new wife that he was going to hold his breath until
she changed the subject. She finally changed it when her blue-faced husband
keeled over dead.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 332 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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