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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 31
Would You Buy a Car From This Man?
Name:
Zack (aka: “The Zackster”)
Works at: “Chuck’s Car
Emporium”
Things you should know about Zack: President
of the K-Fed fan club. Afflicted with both the “jim jams” and
the “hab dabs.” Will eat light bulb for 25 cents.
Self proclaimed “dancing fool and walking zombie.” Best friend is a
sheep. Doesn’t have driver’s
license. Thinks cars are the tool of Satan.
Thinks 3 pronged wall plugs are the tool of Satan.
Thinks his power tools are the tools of Satan.
Actually, thinks pretty much everything is the tool of Satan…
Likes to guzzle toilet water. Was a teenage werewolf. Will die a
virgin. Favourite food is "meat."
Adjectives describing him:
Pernicious, idiotic, carnivorous, malodorous, stunned, whimsical,
discombobulated, gormless.
If you said “Yes”:
Then Zack eats meat tonight.
January 30
Would You Buy a Car From This Man?
Name: Ralph (aka: “The Ralphster”)
Works at: “Chuck’s Car
Emporium”
Things you should know about Ralph: When
you’re not looking, he checks your scalp for things to eat.
Once spent an entire afternoon sticking a knife into a turned on
toaster (refers to this practice as “toaster buzz”).
Frequently orders “brains” when at Burger King. Is getting more
handsome with age. Is a
kleptomaniac alcoholic, who, oddly enough, doesn’t steal booze.
Believes cell phones give people radiation testicle poisoning.
Has been known to place phones near genitals on more than one occasion.
Prone to fits of exaggeration. Drinks mouthwash and cranberry cocktails.
Vaguely human. Doesn’t believe we evolved from apes.
Has no regrets that he voted for Bush.
Adjectives describing him:
Pestilent, wiggy, perpendicular, swarthy, desperate, phantasmagorical,
gaseous.
If you said “Yes”:
Then anyone can sell you a car.
January 29
Would
You Buy a Car From This Man?
Name: Chuck (aka: “The Chuckster”)
Works at: “Chuck’s
Car Emporium”
Things you should know about Chuck:
In high school he experimented
with hashish, heavy petting and blood drinking.
Was once rather handsome – now not so much.
Has an insatiable desire to send people endless “funny emails.” Lives
in a Trailer Park and has a second mortgage on his trailer as well as his
sneakers. Can still fit into his old powder blue high school graduation
tuxedo. Didn't graduate from high school.
Prone to bed sweats. Considers
gin part of his daily diet. Possibly not human.
Also, that thing with the hole in his mouth...
Adjectives
describing him: Crude,
nonliterate, pagan, undomesticated, festering, prank-loving, rank, and
flea-ridden.
If you said “Yes”:
You'll buy a car from anyone.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 327 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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