"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 2
Stalker Puts Jeff Goldblum Back In
The News
Actor
is thrilled to be back in the media and fearful for his life.
Jeff
Goldblum won a permanent restraining order Wednesday against a woman he claims
has stalked him for years.
The
order issued by a Superior Court judge says Linda Ransom must stay at least
100 yards from the 54-year-old out of work actor, his re-mortgaged home, his
workplace (snicker) and vehicle (soon to be his new home).
``The
matter is now in the hands of law enforcement,'' said Goldblum's legal aid
attorney, Blair Berk.
In
court papers filed Feb. 7, Goldblum said he did not know the 44-year-old
woman. He claimed that while he was thrilled that her insane stalking was
getting him such much needed press, he was also starting to wonder if it was
worth it, ``what with all her harassing, threatening, and stalking behavior.''
Goldblum
later admitted. “Yeah, it was
worth it.”
In a six-page declaration to the court, Ransom stated she met Goldblum in 1999
at an acting school where Goldblum, like all out of work actors, teaches. On
several occasions, she said she went to city venues where he apparently played
with his jazz band… Because apparently Jeff Goldblum plays in a jazz band!
Goldblum was thrilled to confirm that he does indeed play in
a jazz band and that he and his fellow “hep cats” are available for
weddings and parties.
Ransom
said that Goldblum’s jazz band was “free form jazz – and therefore not
very accessible. I wouldn’t have them at my party.”
March 1 (Rabbits!)
Prince
Charles Slams McDonalds
I
say chaps, those bloody Chicken McNuggets are just beastly
While
visiting the United Arab Emirates, Prince
Charles had the temerity to suggest that banning McDonald's fast food was crucial for improving
its people's
diets.
The Prince of Pompous made the comments while dining at Abdul’s Kapsa Shack,
in Abu Dhabi.
``Have
you people ever heard of McDonald's? And bloody hell, why the deuce do you
have towels on your heads? Did you all
just have a shower? I have my butler dry my hair for me.
You should consider trying it. Now back to McDonalds: have you wogs ever tried a
Quarter Pounder with cheese? Or do you do metric here? Or something else? You
know, something ghastly and foreign? You filthy blighters should ban McDonalds
– like you do women’s rights. Why are you looking at me like that?”
Charles was quoted as asking the bemused restaurant patrons.
A
McDonald's spokesman, Nick “Fat Boy” Hindle, called the remarks, “At
times amusing, mostly more of his predictable and nonsensical rambling and
ultimately disappointing.” He said other members of the royal family ``gorge
on the crap we sell,” alluding to reports about Charles' son, Prince Harry,
who once got so stoned that he decided to do the commoner thing and eat a
chicken burger at McDonald's… In 2005.
``That
guy’s a royal blowhole. We can’t all eat organic foie gras, and lets’ be
honest, the folks who stuff their gullets at our place have no idea what the
hell that is anyway. My point is Chuck’s comments appear to be an
off-the-cuff remark. And in our opinion the guy’s a regal douche bag who
would be best serve the
British Empire
by having his sorry ass composted for good. '' Hindle said.
The
prince was in the United Arab Emirates
with his wife, Camilla, as part of the “Gulf Countries and Golf Courses
Pampered Royal Whore Tour of 07.”
February 28
Study:
College
Students Are Smug – No Way!
Today’s college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than anyone
else on earth – even their betters, which is just about everyone.
Or at least that’s the skinny according to a slapdash study by five
old men who worry that today’s kids will ignore them at cocktail parties
and/or push them over on the street.
“We need to stop endlessly repeating
‘You’re special’ and start beating the living shit out of these kids,”
said the study’s lead author, Professor Bob Twenge of
San Diego
State
University
. “I’m urging everyone over 30 to get a coat hanger and go Joan Crawford
on their asses!”
When it was pointed out to Twenge that even people over 30 might not
understand his Crawford reference he blanched and gasped, “My God, we’re
too late!”
Twenge and his colleagues, in findings to
be presented at a workshop Tuesday in San Diego on the generation gap, say
they aren’t very fond of the clothes the kids are wearing today either.
“Say what you want about the filthy
hippies – at least they had style,” he grumbled.
But narcissism can have benefits, said
study co-author W. Keith Campbell of the
University
of
Georgia
, “Take me, for instance, I’m great and the world’s a better place
because of it.”
The study asserts that narcissists “are
more likely to have masturbatory relationships with their own genitals that
are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit
game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviours!
Twenge, the author of
“Generation Me: No – Not Them – Me!” said narcissists tend to lack
empathy, react aggressively to criticism, ignore him at cocktail parties and
push him over on the street.
February 27
Ask.
Dr. Science
Hey
kids, do you have science questions that you want explained? Then send them to
“Ask Dr. Science” and he’ll be sure to answer them for you! It’ll be a
keen and super fun learning experience!
Dear
Dr. Science,
Why does my nose sometimes get itchy?
Billy (Age 6)
Dear
Billy,
What? How the hell should I know? You
stupid,
half-witted, moronic, brat, I’m
scientist not a freaking paediatrician.
You ignorant snot-nosed kids out there make me sick! (Oh, and that’s
probably why your nose is itchy, Billy! Give it a wipe for God’s sake!) So
listen up to Dr. Science:
If you stupid
rug rats
don’t have any relevant science
questions to ask – then don’t
bother wasting my time. Smarten up – all of ya!
Your nose is itchy… Jesus Christ...
Dr. Science (Age
53)
February 26
Jung Drivers of
Canada
A driving lesson. The Kid enters
the car. The Instructor/Analyst jots some notes down a on a notepad and then
hands the kid a set of keys.
Instructor/Analyst:
Now just relax and put the key in the ignition.
Kid: Which
key?
Instructor/Analyst:
Do you find anyone particularly appealing?
Kid: Pardon me…?
Instructor/Analyst:
Didn’t you hear what I just said?
Kid: Yes…
It’s just that…
Instructor/Analyst: And yet you
chose to disbelieve my comments.
Kid:
Oh. Uh, should I start the motor?
Instructor/Analyst:
You’re not sure that’s the proper procedure?
Kid:
Yes, I was just…
Instructor/Analyst:
A trifle unsure?
Kid: Unsure?
Instructor/Analyst:
Very interesting…
He
writes in his notepad.
Kid:
You see, I’ve only driven a car once before.
Instructor/Analyst:
With your father?
Kid: My
mother, actually.
Instructor/Analyst:
Ah. Of course. It all fits into place now. Please start the car.
Kid:
I’m a bit unsure of standards. I
haven’t had any experience with gear shifts, but I always thought they were
a lot more fun than automatics.
Instructor/Analyst: Do you often
think of gear shifts?
They
are now driving.
Kid:
I wouldn’t go that far.
Instructor/Analyst:
No.
Kid:
Left or right?
Instructor/Analyst:
You’ve missed several options. Do corners hold any special appeal?
Kid:
No, turning onto the street simply seemed logical.
Instructor/Analyst:
So, you had anticipated
beforehand the need to change direction – to alter the course you seemed
destined to follow. Is it because
you fear what lies ahead? Or because you fear the unknown?
Kid:
I’m blocking traffic.
Instructor/Analyst:
You don’t want to upset the normal balance?
Kid:
I don’t want to get punched in the nose. The guy behind me is getting
angry.
Instructor/Analyst:
Does he worry you? Interesting.
Turn left.
Kid:
Sorry.
Instructor/Analyst:
Do you feel the need to apologize?
Kid:
Sorry.
They
drive in silence.
Kid:
I’ve dreamed about the day I get my license.
The
Instructor/Analyst looks very interested.
Instructor/Analyst: Really?
And what happens?
Kid: (not noticing and lost in his own
thoughts) I really want to get my license.
I’ll be able to drive my friends around.
Drive up to the cottage.
Instructor/Analyst: You have
a cottage?
Kid:
Yeah. My folks used to take me up there every summer.
Instructor/Analyst:
Pleasant, was it?
Kid:
Oh yeah, I’d lie back in the station wagon (the
kid is now reclining back as the Instructor/Analyst takes notes) and watch
the top of the tress as they
passed. My dad always said it was
a long, hard, drive. But I always
thought it was great.
Instructor/Analyst:
Long and hard, interesting.
Kid:
What?
Instructor/Analyst:
Oh nothing to worry about yet. Tell
me, did you resent your father for his feelings about the drive?
Kid:
Oh, no… Not at all.
But he always seemed so upset after the trip. He was too tired to go
swimming or come out and play ball with me.
Instructor/Analyst:
But surely you had the rest of the weekend together?
Kid:
No… After that he’d go golfing, or fishing, or drinking with his
friends… And not only that but he’d…
Instructor/Analyst:
At least your mother was there.
Kid:
Yeah, but she was always cooking and sending me outside. And there was
no one there to play with. So I’d sit around and talk to the tress and the
days would drag on and on. One
after the other – and me all alone… God I hate that place… I’ve always
hated that place. I never want to see that stinking hell hole again as long as
I live!!!!
Instructor/Analyst:
You might want to watch out for that oncoming truck.
The
kid sits up. Screams, turns the
wheel,
avoids the truck and hits the brake.
The car skids to a halt. The kid is
shook up and breathing heavily. Instructor/Analyst puts down his notebook,
smiles and checks his watch.
Instructor/Analyst: Well,
I see our hour is up.
Kid:
…Yes…
Instructor/Analyst:
I think we made some progress, wouldn’t you say?
Kid:
Oh… yes. Yes.
Instructor/Analyst:
Shall we say next Tuesday at 3pm for our next session?
Kid:
Um. Yes… Goodbye.
Instructor:
Goodbye.
The
kid exits the car. The Instructor/Analyst writes in his notebook.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 297 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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