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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 14
This
Week: Forgotten Kid's
TV Stars
No one
remembers these long forgotten TV shows (hence them being
"forgotten"), or the kids who starred in them.
But the post TV lives of these young thespians is the stuff of
Shakespearian tragedy... Or comedy... Oh what the heck, it can be
both!
(Special
thanks to my pal Spud for finding these rare archival posters.)
To see larger
image
Star’s
Name: Jerry
Filbert
Starred
In:
“What Will Ralph Vomit Up Next?”
Character: Ralph
Years
Show Ran: 1982
– 1984
Show’s
Situation: Ralph
is always puking up stuff.
Show’s
Appeal: See
above.
Famous Buzz Line: “Uuuaghhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
Most
Memorable Episode: Ralph
vomits up a live panda bear.
Reason For Cancellation: It
was disgusting.
Where Is He Now? A recluse, he
lives in the eastern European city of
Bulimia
.
March 13
Stars’
Names: Gary
Lock and Toby
Bell
Starred
In: HBO’s
“Diff An’ Stokes”
Characters: Diff an’ Stokes
Years
Show Ran: 1977
– 1979
Show’s
Situation: Diff
(Lock) is white. Stokes (
Bell
) is black. One is from the ghetto
and the other is an orphaned, ex millionaire’s son...
(Can you guess which?) Together
they try and solve crime and take pot shots at each others racial heritages.
Hilarity ensues.
Show’s
Appeal: The
fact that they might kill each they at any given second. Plus, white people liked that it made fun of black people, and black
people liked that it made fun of white people... Yes, everyone was a winner
when it came to this project.
Famous Buzz Line: Diff: “You
lazy black bastard!” Stokes: “What ‘choo talking about you honky homo?”
Most
Memorable Episode: Final
Episode: “Stokes Cuts Off Diff’s Balls.”
Reason For Cancellation: 1980
was on its way and that seemed like a good enough reason for everyone
involved.
Where Are They Now? Mr. Lock
hangs out with Michael Richards. Mr.
Bell was last seen in the company of Isaiah Washington.
March 12
Stars’
Names: Mickey,
Donald, Reggie and Roger
Starred
In: The
Mickey, Donald, Reggie and Roger Groovy Fun Time House
Characters:
Mickey,
Donald, Reggie and Roger
Years
Show Ran: 1970
– 1971
Show’s
Situation: Mickey,
Donald, Reggie and Roger are four fun and groovy and healthy living teen
vegetarian hipsters. Roger (the cute one) is
always falling in love.
Show’s
Appeal: The
four guys are even safer than The Hudson Brothers. (Although viewers
were very suspicious of their vegetarian leanings.)
Famous Buzz Line: Mickey:
“This is groovy!” Donald:
“Dig it!” Reggie: “Cool, man!” Roger: “I think I love her.”
Most
Memorable Episode: Impossible
to say as every episode was the same. Most
noted exception was when Roger fell in love with twins and kept confusing
them.
Reason For Cancellation: Enough
was enough. As well, the "fun house" show title had bad connotations
in the world of kid's TV... What with the whole Dave England "fun
house" disaster (see below). And who the hell said things
like "groovy" and "cool" in the early 1970's?
Where Are They Now? Who cares?
March 8
Star’s
Name:
Dave England
Starred
In: “Dave
England’s Fun House”
Character: Dave England
Years
Show Ran: 1967
– 1969
Show’s
Situation: Early
morning children’s show. Dave,
age 19, looks decidedly older. He often slurs his words, is suspiciously
childlike and lives in a funhouse. He
gives weather reports and teaches us about the importance of friendship.
In-between segments, Dave runs violent cartoons.
Show’s
Appeal: Violent
Cartoons.
Most
Memorable Episode: Dave,
still drunk from the previous night’s debauchery, claims he has insects
crawling all over his body.
Famous Buzz Line: “Good
morning kids… Holy shit! I’ve
got bugs crawling all over my body! Agghhhhhh!”
Reason For Cancellation: The
bugs on Dave’s body.
Where Is He Now? Six months
after his show was cancelled, his lifeless body was discovered in an alley in
Copenhagen
. Ironically enough, it was
covered in bugs.
March 7
Star’s
Name: Susan
McDermott
Starred
In: Everyone
Adores Rebecca
Character: Rebecca Stuart
Years
Show Ran: 1964
(13 episodes)
Show’s
Situation: Rebecca,
a precocious teen is akin to Jane Austin’s Emma
and is forever helping everyone out with their problems, while playing
matchmaker to boot.
Show’s
Appeal: None
at the time, although the original 13 episodes are now a mainstay at Comedy
Central.
Famous Buzz Line: “I’ll
help you and you can thank me later.”
Most Memorable Episode: Rebecca
dreams she is comic strip character, Mary
Worth.
Reason For Cancellation: Rebecca
had good intentions, but viewers truly hated her guts.
Where Is She Now? Dick
Cheney’s mistress.
March 6
Star’s
Name:
Randy Pringle
Starred
In: “Chip
Off The Block”
Character: Chip
Wilson
Years
Show Ran:
1959 – 1963
Show’s
Situation: Chip
Wilson, an affable junior high school student is forever trying to please and
earn his stern father’s affections and respect.
However, he continually fails in comically pratfall filled ways.
Chip ends up with more lacerations than he does respect from his stone
faced father.
Show’s
Appeal: Chip’s
idolization of his father lets American dads feel good about being superior,
and lets everyone else feel worse about being a screw-up.
Most Memorable Episode: Season
3: Episode 9: “Chip Meets A Jew”
Famous Buzz Line:
“When I grow up, I must be like my dad.”
Reason
For Cancellation: Chip
grows up and still isn’t anything like his father. Viewers grow
uncomfortable with Chip’s excessive weight gain.
Where Is He Now? After the
show’s cancellation Randy Pringle moves back into his mother’s house and
writes a book of beatnik poetry entitled, “Chip, Hip, And Dip” (1965).
The book is unacknowledged by the world.
For the next 22 years, Chip, a Roman Catholic, tries to eat himself to
death. On November 3, 1987, the
morbidly obese Pringle is transported through his bedroom window and
helicoptered to a hospital. Photographs
of the corpulent Pringle make the tabloids.
Millions gawk, but his plight strikes a sympathetic note with the
public. Now millions pray for him.
In 1987 Mr. Pringle is released from hospital. Shortly after he
publishes his revolutionary diet cookbook, “Fish and No Chip” The book is
a bestseller. Mr. Pringle
subsequently puts on over 200 pounds in the following year and shortly after
dies of a heart attack while performing a sexual act on a PR agent in
Omaha.
March 5 
Star’s
Name:
Willy Bing Frier
Starred
In: “Oh
That Sparky!”
Character: Sparky McPhee
Years
Show Ran: 1954
– 1957
Show’s
Situation: Seven
year old Sparky is a firebug. He
and his dog mittens are always up to something.
Show’s
Appeal: Sparky
is a young pyromaniac with a facial twitch. Mittens is an intelligent and
adorable mutt who is always up to something. The combination proves to be
comic gold.
Famous Buzz Line: “I
didn’t start the fire! It was Mittens, I tells ya. Aw,
he’s always up to something!”
Most
Memorable Episode: Sparky
gives Joe, the housepainter, a bottle of whisky because Joe is thirsty – but
not for water! Mittens alerts
Sparky’s parents who are playing bridge next door with the Smith’s.
In a memorable closing scene, Sparky’s parents come home to find
their house burning down and smiling Sparky standing outside and staring
happily at the blaze. Joe screams
from a window just before the house collapses in a fiery rubble. Sparky’s
parents explain to their boy that Joe was a “sick man addicted to
alcohol.” They assure him he’s
better off dead. Mittens drops the
empty scotch bottle at their feet. Everyone laughs.
Reason For Cancellation: In
January 1957, Mittens chokes to death on a soup bone in his
Hollywood
doghouse. Willy Bing Frier is
unable to sustain the comedy situation without his multitalented canine
sidekick.
Where Is He Now? After
crossing the border to
Canada
in order to avoid serving in
Vietnam
, he starred in the unsuccessful Canadian situation comedies “Sparky’s All
Grown Up!” (1974 – 75) and “The Trouble With Sparky” (1975 – 76) He
returned to America and television in 1980 for ill fated drama series,
“Sparky – Medical Doctor” He
left show business after that and spent the next six years drifting through
South America. In 1987 he
publishes his life story, “Call Me Sparky – And I Swear I’ll Fucking
Kill You!” Book is roundly
excoriated by critics. Stung by
their attacks, Willy Bing Frier travels to
Vietnam
for an extended vacation. While there, he steps on a forgotten landmine and
dies.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 285 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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