"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 22
The Alphabet Of Love
A teenage couple grow older as they read their lines.
HIM: A is the anticipation that you get before a date.
HER: B are the bosoms that you attempt to inflate.
HIM: C are the chocolates you brought to impress.
HER: D is for diaphanous, which describes my new
dress.
HIM: E is the ejaculation you hope to obtain.
HER: F Is the freedom you hope to maintain.
HIM: G is the girl with the lily white skin.
HER: H is the hope that his hair isn’t thin.
HIM: I is the itch that you have at the crotch.
HER: J is the jiggling you know he will watch.
HIM: K are the kisses all steamy and wet.
HER: L is for lucky, which he might possibly get.
HIM: M is her mother with her distrustful stares.
HER: N is for nookie on the porch or back stairs.
HIM: O is for orgasm, a lover's delight.
HER: P are the pimples that Clearasil fights.
HIM: Q are the questions her father might ask.
HER: R are the rumours you hope he won't pass.
HIM: S is for sex, the ultimate thrill.
HER: T is the toddlers, if you don't take the pill.
HIM: U is the ultimatum when she's rising like yeast.
HER: V is the virgin -- well I was once at least.
HIM: W is the wife that hates all your pals.
HER: X is the exile from all other gals.
HIM: Y is the youth that has passed you by.
HER: Z is the zipper half mast in his fly.
HIM: Z are the zombies I drink every night.
HER: Y is the yelling we do when we fight.
HIM: X is for ex-wife, what I wish that I had.
HER: W is for widow, which would make me so glad.
HIM: V is the Valentines I choose to forget.
HER: U is the ulcer you gave me my pet.
HIM: T is the torture that she is my wife.
HER: S is for sex -- and not on your life.
HIM: R is the responsibility of a wife and two brats.
HER: Q is the quarrel over who feeds the cats.
HIM: P is the peace I so desperately seek.
HER: O is the oven I clean once a week.
HIM: N is for "no honey, no not tonight."
HER: M is for money with which he always is tight.
HIM: L is the love that you can't help but feel.
HER: K is the kindness you once showed this heel.
HIM: J is the joy that you hope will return.
HER: I is the insight that your passion still burns.
HIM: H is the hope that together we share.
HER: G are the good times, the loving and care.
HIM: F is the future, all rosy and bright.
HER: E is for elderly and our golden twilight.
HIM: D is for deaf, what we will surely become.
HER: C are the creases that will form on your bum.
HIM: B is for beautiful, I will always love you.
HER: A is for Arthur, oh I love you too.
March 21
Budget
Harpo: “The
plebs can have their cake and eat it!”
Now that Steveo Harpo has done all he can
to bribe middle class Canadians, it’s Ontario’s
Dalton McGuinty's turn to give it a try. But
if he wants to top Mr. Harper’s “Spending Like A Drunken Sailor Budget”
he's going to have to really go for the razzle-dazzle.
So, maybe what we need is something along
the lines of - Budget: The Rock Opera - "Budget can you hear me? Budget
will you tax me?" Or maybe a
budget puppet show: Bad news is always better when someone who has a sock for
a head delivers it. Or maybe we
could have Budget - The Situation Comedy. This week,
Dalton
forgets to levy his tax on pet-owners - and hilarity ensues.
Or perhaps Mr. McGuinty will hire a couple of acrobats, giving us Cirque du
Budget; after all, some would argue that it's a very fine line between
clowns and politicians. Or how about a budget reality show? He could sex it up
with "Who Wants To Marry The Finance Minister?"
Hey, who doesn't? Or if he's looking for that working class touch, he
could deliver it from a bowling alley. "Budgeting
For Dollars" anyone?
March 20
Ann Coulter Blow Up Doll Fails To Arouse… Um, Interest
The not-so-easy-to-love Ann Coulter polyurethane blow-up doll, which
debuted almost five months ago, is now an official flop according to its
manufacturers.
“We can’t give it away,” said Jeff Larson, owner of the Encino based
Adult Novelty Superstore. “Of course neither can the real Ann, and in
hindsight we should have considered this.”
Larson admitted that Coulter’s blow up doll had been a manufacturing
challenge right from the start, a direct result of her skeleton-like
appearance and Adam’s apple. “We went back and forth with our manufacturer
in
Taiwan
and trying to get the look right required a little improvising," Larson
explained. “The neck is from a male blow up doll and we had to re-engineer a
series of molds to get the look right, well, right for Ann that is.”
Total sales of the
doll were a grand total of one. And
that was charged to Ms. Coulter’s credit card.
”Oh well, at least she has a friend,” said Larson, referring to either Ms.
Coulter or her blow up doll.
Thanks to Joe and Poopy Caca.
March 19
Freud's
birthday is coming soon, so start planning your fun day Freud party now!
On May 6 it will be Freud's
151st birthday.
Make sure you’re ready this year! But
then again, how could anyone forget? After
all, the architect of therapeutic culture is an inescapable force. Do you hear
me, worm? Inescapable!! So in the
spirit of no escape from Freud take the Newsweek quiz.
Remember you insane crazies, there are no right or wrong answers as all
are up for Freudian interpretation and diagnosis…
Which means “penis envy” if you’re a woman and “castration
complex” if you’re a man. It’s really that simple!
Sigmund
Freud was born in
a)
His mother’s womb
b) He wasn’t so much born but just happened to materialize one day
c) None and all of the above
Freud’s mother used to call him
a) Cock nose
b) The bane of my wretched life
c) The one who does the laundry
Before deciding on medical school Freud had planed to pursue a degree in
a) Being a pompous asshole know-it-all
b) Waste disposal
c) Cigar rolling
As
an adult, Freud was most likely to talk about
a)
Doing the nasty with mom then killing dad
b) How sweaty his balls got during the summer
c) Serbian bean soup
Freud’s famous patient “Little Hans” was afraid (afreud!?) of
a) Freud
b) Freud’s mom
c) Freud and his mom
The
"illusion" to which Freud referred in the title of his book,
"The Future of an Illusion" was:
a)
Show business
b) A Viennese stripper’s pasties
c) Austrian comedy
Freud
coined the term
a)
I’m the man
b) Hug my, I’m Czechoslovakian
c) Shit happens in therapy
Freud
spent his last year in:
a)
An Iron lung
b) A Mexican brothel
c) A state of drunkenness
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 277 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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