"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 27
RIP:
The VHS Tape 1976 – 2007
The
VHS
Tape died peacefully in its sleep last night...
It was quickly mourned, forgotten and then subsequently thrown it into
the “has been bin” alongside the typewriter, fondue pot and the milkman.
The Vermillion Hellion Scammer, known to millions simply as "the
VHS" or (every time it unaccountably failed to record your favourite
program) "that goddamn piece of crap” - was born in 1976 and its
life sucked pretty much from the get go.
Even as it emerged from the womb of
the JVC corporation, it was to find rival mother Sony standing over it, pillow
in hand, as it prepared to smother the child in favour of its own offspring,
Betamax.
Fortunately, and despite its inferior picture and sound quality, VHS was
ultimately to triumph – thanks to having the proverbial horse shoe up its
faulty ass.
With the birth of its younger sibling, the VHS camera, the Tape enjoyed
amazing commercial success enabling people to video images such as their their
hapless relatives getting hurt – and then sending these images to America’s Funniest
Home Videos. Hilarity, I’m told,
ensued…
It
was the introduction of digital technology which saw the Tape facing its final
rewind. Its binary relative, The DVD, stole the show and viewers’ affections
by being able to provide movies with a sharper picture, surround sound and, as
well, the DVD wasn’t fat.
Like
a rock star from the 1970’s, the Tape deteriorated rapidly – stretching
and distorting the picture and losing its sound quality in a gale of white
noise – suddenly everyone was saying things like, “I can’t believe I
used to watch you.”
The
VHS Tape will be buried later this week. Or it’ll end up in a garage sale.
It could go either way…
March 26
Bay
Street Man
BROADCASTER:
We now take you to
Amsterdam
for the "International Anthropology Seminar on Unusual Human
Sub-Species". Now
approaching the podium is noted Scientist Doctor Reinheim Fleiss.
DOCTOR:
Fellow Scientists, Doctors,
ladies and gentlemen today we are going to be studying the species URBAN
METROPOLIS TOWER WORKER, or, as he is more commonly known,
BAY STREET
MAN. Hans could you please bring him in....
SFX:
Audience gasps.
DOCTOR:
Please Doctors...I assure you that he cannot escape from the cage. That
glass is shatterproof.
BAY
ST MAN: Why don't we meet at lunch and you can give me your bottom line.
Damn it Fred, I just can't do it at that price.
DOCTOR:
He seems agitated. Hans please, give him the Financial Post; that always
seems to calm him down. Very well...the first thing that you will notice
about Bay Street Man is his demeanour. He appears to be in a constant state
of agitation and is always, always in a rush.
BAY
ST MAN: Taxi...taxi....!
HANS:
He won't calm down Doctor.
BAY
ST MAN: Remember all the people you pass on your way up so you can fire them
when you get to the top.
DOCTOR:
Medicate him Hans.
HANS:
Right away Doctor.
BAY
ST MAN: Ah....martini.
DOCTOR:
I apologize for the disturbance, all should be fine now. As I was saying,
Bay Street Man is always in a rush; time and management are his watchwords.
Notice the way he continually cocks his head whilst simultaneously turning
his wrist toward his face even though his time keeping apparatus was removed
hours ago while he slept. Bay Street
Man seems to be always on the move, whether he be traveling in packs on
commuter trains, or at the gym working out so that he may live longer and thus
work out more. The Bay
Street Man is a fascinating creature. One irony about him is that although he
is active in the money markets he is reticent to discuss his own income unless
he is under the influence of alcoholic intoxicants. Then he will either: A)
Boast about his salary; B) bemoan his yearly income; or C) claim he could have
played professional hockey. He finds his winters too cold and his summers too
hot and extols the virtues of U-Brews and Ping Putters. He has a
financial plan, a health plan, a retirement plan and plans for dinner on
Thursday so don't even bother to call him.
Bay Street
Man is also characterized by his receding hairline and throbbing temples...at
first thought to be signs of sexual arousal but which have now been confirmed
to be the results of long term stress and daily commuting from Etobicoke,
Whitby
,
Mississauga
, and
Pickering
. Our particular Bay Street Man has just entered his
middle-age-spread-mid-life-crisis-mid-management period. As you can see he is
thickening at the waist a little. This is not uncommon in Bay Street Man once
they have fought off the young challengers to their jobs and have settled into
a good firm at a minimum $250 thousand per annum... The brief case that our Bay
Street Man is currently sucking on for comfort is the most common identifier
of
Bay Street
Man.
It is the proud symbol that the Bay Street Man has arrived. His fine leather
briefcase with locks and gold snaps is the ultimate testament to his manliness
and success. The size of the Bay Street Man's briefcase is usually a signifier
of his place in the hierarchy. It is not uncommon to see packs of young Bay
Street Men gathered at water coolers wrestling and biting each others necks in
order to establish dominance and earn respect... And so have Bay Street Men:
Big men in big towers, with big money and wielding big power but look inside
each and every one you'll find a little shit.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 272 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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