"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 17
6 ways to keep him interested
When it comes to
making a lasting impression on a guy, a little strategizing and a lot of
conniving and manipulating goes a long way. If you want to be the girl he’s
completely obsessed with, make sure that you…
Tell
him you don’t need him
Mention
your plans to explore the sex lives of Italian and Greek men with your
all-girl hiking group, your adventures as a mud wrestler, your crazy binge
drinking escapades and naked tickle fights with the girls. He'll see that
you're someone with a lot of spunk and spirit, and he'll wonder what you're up
to now. Plus, with charisma like yours, he'll definitely want to join your
club.
Call
the shots
Invite
him to do something outside-the-box with you. Rather than waiting for him to
ask you out on the proverbial dinner-and-a-movie date, suggest he come along
and wash your mother’s hair with you. A guaranteed turn on! And together
you'll begin building memories he won't soon forget.
Set
fire to his house
With
nowhere to live, he becomes very dependent on you
Raise
the temperature – in weird ways
Wear
sexy undies. Over top of your clothes. Your signature je-ne-sais-quois will keep him — how you say — disoriented —
until you meet again.
Feed
the Fire
Let
him know you think he's sexy. Brush lightly against his shoulder as you walk
by him, tell him you like those pants he's wearing, give him "the
look" as your parting glance. He'll be hopelessly incapable of dimming
that glorious glow he feels knowing a beautiful woman wants him.
Now you can destroy him!
Kiss
to impress
Become
infamous in his book for your unforgettable kiss. Garlic, onions, beer,
cigarettes, and sauerkraut make for a memorable kissing cocktail
May 16
Too Soon For the Jokes? What
Would Jesus Do?
"Abortion, family values, the moral
underpinnings on which the nation was built we call the Judeo-Christian ethic,
is important to us… I just wish we could learn to practice what we preach,
but man, we’re a hypocritical lot, what with our drug and hooker addictions,
oh, and not to mention the rampant closeted homosexuality. Still, like I
always say, ‘Do as we say, not as we do.’”
Jerry Falwell
Well, he's dead. My guess: The Homosexual, in the Library with the
Rope.
Ah memories… He cancelled the TV show, “Soap”; got his televangical
halo in a twist over a “Gay Teletubbie” (hey, it was purple and carried a
handbag so it had to be a fag); declared God's anger with gays, lesbians,
abortionists and feminists had contributed to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks;
called Muhammad a terrorist; told
an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably
already alive,
and said that nothing would motivate conservative
evangelical Christians to vote Republican in the 2008 presidential election
more than a Democratic nominee named Hillary Clinton — not even a run by the
devil himself.
Let’s give him 1 out of 6 on this, but only because he’s dead... Well,
mostly because he's dead.
May 15
Office
Slang
Whether you office from home or home from office or home out
your office or office out of your home or your home office or office home, for
some stupid reason people still expect you to be up to date on all the latest
and lamest buzz words and phrases. Whether vaguely annoying or totally
annoying, you'll probably hear some of these dynamic phrases from time to
time. This list will help you translate, and maybe even repurpose a few words
to grow your own business buzz vocabulary. Oh joy…
Drive:
No, it doesn't refer to your “lack of…” Drive
is a multipurpose buzz word, overused in such phrases as "I’ll drive my
fist into your head if you use that buzz word again.”
Incent:
A nonword that is often used by business nonpeople.
There’s really nonmore to add…
Delayering:
A newer, more PC term for downsizing, e.g. “I’m delayering your sorry ass,
now pack up and get the hell out.”
Narcissurfing:
Is googling yourself. Googling
yourself means to play with your genitals.
Now you know. Oh, and
don’t do it.
Deep
dive: If someone asks you to deep dive (or drill
down), they're asking for what used to be known as a “Monica
Lewinsky Special.”
Bleeding
edge: The "cutting edge" is so passé. Even better is
the bleeding
edge. At least for
today: Call it that tomorrow and
you’re showing your age.
Al
desko: Slang term for an Italian who never leaves his desk.
Defrag:
Slang term for the office homosexual.
May 1 (Rabbits)
The
Elevator Hug
Here's a
link
to a little cartoon I volunteered to write for. It's a campaign for
a "Virtual Hug."
This virtual hug is meant to
help raise funds for Meagan’s Walk which raises funds to fight paediatric
brain tumours. Meagan’s Walk was started by Denise Bebenek after her 5 year
old daughter Meagan died of a brain tumour 6 years ago. Every year on
Mother’s Day, Denise leads thousands of people to hug SickKids where Meagan
had received such excellent care. This virtual hug remembers her love of
laughter and of hugs. If it makes you smile, I hope you will
consider sharing this virtual hug with your friends and maybe even
consider donating to this worthy cause.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 223 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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