"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 30
Orange
Questions Part 1
The orange
knew something was wrong.
Yes, something was definitely amiss. Had his wife just left him?
And if so, why had she left her coat behind? She always wore that
coat... And why hadn’t she left a note? Suddenly the fridge seemed bigger,
emptier and colder then it had in ages…
May 29
The
Big Story
Two
Guys in a Seedy
Bar.
GUY 1: So there I am in this seedy
little bar lighting up my umpteenth smoke and telling this little dip shit all
kinds of lies about me being in the war.
GUY 2:
Really? So go on....what happened next?
GUY 1:
Well this guy buys me another beer.
GUY 2:
No kidding? Bartender, two more.
GUY 1:
And I tell him that I was a real war hero and that this scar I got
falling down in a bowling alley is actually from enemy shrapnel I caught in
Nam
.
GUY 2:
Wow...
Vietnam
.
GUY 1:
And he buys it right, I mean this guy is a total sap.
GUY 2:
Sounds like it.
GUY 1:
I mean this buy has no idea that I live off welfare cheques and drink
myself senseless nightly right? I mean he's convinced that I'm this big time
secret agent.
GUY 2:
CIA?
GUY 1:
If that's what he wants to think, I figure okay.
GUY 2:
Right, I mean you can't just come out and admit it.
GUY 1:
Then I figure that if this guy wants to be suckered in I should go all
the way. I tell him that at this point in my life I just want to relieve
myself of my supposed millions and just live on a mountain and talk to the
sheep.
GUY 2:
They understand you?
GUY 1:
I want to sell him some bogus stock, right? But I'm afraid he'll get
suspicious if I move too fast.
GUY 2:
Well that sounds a little far fetched.
GUY 1:
I tell him that for ten thousand dollars I can make him a millionaire
and fortunately he's even stupider then I'd imagined `cause he buys it hook
line and sinker.
GUY 2:
A millionaire....
GUY 1:
I mean how stupid can you get.
GUY 2:
I don't follow you.
GUY 1:
Now this guy wants to see contracts of course...
GUY 2:
Do you have them with you?
GUY 1:
And all I have to do is tell him that my word is my contract.
GUY 2:
A man's word is his bond.
GUY 1:
Well he tells me he's interested.
GUY 2:
Well if he hasn't bought them all I'd be interested too.
GUY 1:
I look at him and think...this has to be a cash transaction and there
can be absolutely no written record...and I'm wondering, will this guy fall
for it.... Is he that greedy and stupid?
GUY 2:
Well was he?
GUY 1:
Then I tell him I'm Santa Claus.
GUY 2:
Wow Wee...Kris Kringle in the flesh! You've lost weight.
GUY 1:
So I'm convinced. I tell him to split for the bank and draw ten thou in
cash and then to bring it back to the bar.
GUY 2:
My banks around the corner, I can be back in fifteen.
GUY 1:
Then I feel a sudden twang of guilt and tell him the truth...that I'm a
complete and utter fraud, a phoney, a rip off artist who would steal his cat
and come back for the fleas.
GUY 2:
My god you're a criminal....
GUY 1:
Then I think...if this is guy is that stupid he doesn't deserve the
money he has... So I tell him I was just kidding.
GUY 2:
It's very funny, you almost had me for a second there.
GUY 1:
So, confident that the moron will soon be on his way to the bank, I sit
back to enjoy my drink. I begin to laugh a little and call out, There's
one born every minute" and then I think....
GUY 2:
One what?
GUY 1:
That life is really pretty good.
May 28
The
Reagan Diaries – Armageddon It On!
What was Ronald Reagan
really like behind the scenes?
If you said, “Probably
a simple minded but really paranoid right wing type of nut job,” then
congrats…
Yes, we now know what we all suspected, because the diaries of Ronald Reagan
have just been released to the world.
From pet peeves and
family matters to Armageddon… Reagan spouts out his banal thoughts with
apocalyptic twists. Say what you will about the man but this is one dude who
really had a hard on for Armageddon.
On May 15, 1981, Reagan
wrote: "Sometimes I wonder if we are destined to witness
Armageddon."
Then on June 7 he wrote
in his diary: "Got word of
Israel
bombing of
Iraq
– nuclear reactor. I swear I believe Armageddon is near."
Later on July 16 he
wrote: “You know what’s hard to do? Tie your own shoelaces. But it’s
worth it. You get to make little bunny ears, I like bunny ears, they distract
me from the Armageddon... Which is a comin.’”
In August he then wrote:
“My indigestion is bothering me. It’s
those pickled beets. Or maybe the oncoming Armageddon.”
Of
Nancy
on his 29th wedding anniversary he wrote: "29 years of more marriage to
that skinny bitch. It’s worse
than Armageddon – which I’m sure will soon be here.”
Throughout the diaries
there are entries of a personal nature. He regularly complains that he is
unhappy whenever
Nancy
chides him about his fixation with Armageddon.
Family matters
frequently occupy his attention. Youngest son Ron and rebellious daughter
Patti are usually described as, “worse than Armageddon.”
In one 1984 entry, he
wrote that "Patti screamed & complained so much we denied her access
to the Armageddon Box. Once
Armageddon arrives, she won’t be safe.”
Reagan's feelings about
Ron's career as a ballet dancer are mixed. In several entries he writes with
paternal shame about Ron's “fruity career choice.
It’s worse than Armageddon. Which
should be here soon.”
May 1 (Rabbits)
The
Elevator Hug
Here's a
link
to a little cartoon I volunteered to write for. It's a campaign for
a "Virtual Hug."
This virtual hug is meant to
help raise funds for Meagan’s Walk which raises funds to fight paediatric
brain tumours. Meagan’s Walk was started by Denise Bebenek after her 5 year
old daughter Meagan died of a brain tumour 6 years ago. Every year on
Mother’s Day, Denise leads thousands of people to hug SickKids where Meagan
had received such excellent care. This virtual hug remembers her love of
laughter and of hugs. If it makes you smile, I hope you will
consider sharing this virtual hug with your friends and maybe even
consider donating to this worthy cause.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 210 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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