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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 22
Michael Ignatieff’s
Bold Approach 
Iggy Getting Wiggy. His bold new
approach is, er, well, bold!
Facing increasing shots from political observers and Liberals for what
critics call a series of political blunders, Michael Ignatieff, the
front-runner of the Liberal leadership race, has decided that “It’s easier
to wrestle midgets than wrestle political issues… So that’s what I plan to
do.”
In an interview with The Modern Wrestler, Mr. Ignatieff said he was
tired of “idiots questioning my political wisdom” and while he wasn’t
willing to physically fight them, “because most idiots are bigger than
me,” he was prepared to wrestle midgets.
“I like a battle that I know I can win,” he said.
Mr. Ignatieff, 59, immigrated to
Canada
about a year ago and entered the Liberal race with no political experience. He
has come under criticism from pundits and other leadership candidates for
indecipherably cerebral comments – and for being a pompous ass.
It’s rumoured he conceived the midget wrestling approach believing it
will endure him to "the little guy."
Maybe
this guy isn’t nearly as smart as he thinks he is…
His statement that dwarfs don’t like to be called “little people”
infuriated the members of PORG (Persons Of Restricted Growth) and his
off-the-cuff remarks about how “the lucky little bastards get so much work
during the Christmas holidays” and that “all midget men are hung like
donkeys” while memorable, can best be described as politically
incorrect.
But in response to his critics, Mr. Ignatieff said it is precisely his
convictions about midgets – and the joys of wrestling them – that will
detract his critics from all of his other political blunders.
“Who’s going to remember my statement that
Israel
committed war crimes in
Lebanon
this summer, or that we officially recognize
Quebec
as a nation, when they see I’m wrestling midgets? It’s
brilliant in its simplicity and simplistic in its brilliance. The type of plan
that only an intellectual of my staggering, um, intellect, could conceive. Now
if you’ll excuse me I have a midget to body slam.”
Thanks to Rick Stolberg for the photo of Iggy
November 20
Picked Up On Waivers
When I
was a kid I used to tell people that I was adopted. I know it was juvenile of
me but I was a kid after all, and besides, it seemed safer than telling the
truth -- that I was picked up on waivers.
For a long time I was ashamed of that, but now I've developed a real sense of
pride about it. I mean, the odds were against me right from the start.
It was 1986 and I was an unsigned infant. I was convinced that I would be
picked up in the 86/87 family expansion draft, but after the 21st round I
still hadn't been chosen. I heard all the usual excuses -- I was too
old, my knife and fork control hadn't developed to a professional level, and
as far as bed-wetting went I was still something of a question mark. I
was about ready to give it up when a small family from
Scarborough
decided to take a chance on me.
I was picked 729th overall. Well, they tried me out in the family but it was
pretty obvious that I wasn't going to fit into their plans -- I was just a
quick fix to fill their hole in the preschool position... So, after only a
year and a half I was traded to the Wilson family for future
considerations.
The
Wilsons
were very girl-heavy at the time, and I guess Mr. W. hoped that I would add
some muscle and balance to the family. I toiled there for three years, gooning
it up and watching out for the girls, but recurring tonsil problems kept me
out of the line for most of the winter of '89, and when I tried to hit the
Wilsons
up for a higher allowance Mr. W. pulled me from the lineup and put me on
waivers.
My agent said that I had priced myself out of the North American child market,
that I should consider joining an Italian family in the less competitive
European market... But I hung tough, and just three days before the
Wilsons
could put me out to pasture... Bang! I was picked up on waivers. And it wasn't
just any family; it was the Jones family, a good organization with lots of
money and a great history. Mr. Jones wanted and expected the best from
his kids, and competition was tough. I was fighting for a top spot
against three veteran eight year olds and spent my first 18 months on the farm
team sharpening my skills. Every day I worked out, doing math, reading books,
playing tag and making slingshots, but I still hadn't gotten a chance at the
big leagues.
My break came in my tenth summer. The Jones family had been doing great all
year and everyone was trying to keep up with them. The kids were going strong
when their star son, Billy, went down with the measles -- he was going to be
out of the lineup for a week to ten days and there was a vitally important
family picnic coming up. I got the call. I was in the city the next day,
had my own room, name tags sewn into my underwear, comic books -- the whole
nine yards. But man, was there pressure to perform. Dad -- that's what
we called him -- made it clear to me that I was just a sub-in, but I knew in
my heart I had what it took to make the family permanently. I hustled my buns
off, walking the dog, mowing the lawn. I took the trash out three times in one
week, and by the time Billy was back on his feet I had all but stolen his gig
and it was him, not me, that was sent down to the minors...
My career as a kid had its ups and downs, a couple of trophies, the odd
mention in the papers and the usual bout with acne, but I played in the big
family and that's all that matters now. I made myself one promise --
that when the time came for me to grow up I was going to do it gracefully. Not
like some guys, who are still playing marbles and wearing short pants when
they're 21. I knew when it was time for me to leave, and my career's not
over. I'm still in the game, and parenting is just as tough. Sure the
rules have changed, but I'm learning to adapt, although, if truth be told, it
just doesn't have the same glamour as it used to.
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 33 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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the top)
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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