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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 4
Conservative Party Doesn’t Waste
Time Ruining Pot Smokers Fun
Canadian marijuana users are now the enemy.
Police forces, taking their cue from the new federal Conservative
government, are again cracking down on the simple possession of marijuana.
Before the Liberals lost the January election, legislation was in the works to
make possession of small amounts of pot a minor offence, much like a parking
ticket. The law was to be known as “a sensible law.” It prompted police forces
to ease up on marijuana users – and guess what? The world didn’t end and pot
smokers didn’t eat babies when they got the munchies.
But things are different today, Steven “fatty foods and secrets” Harper is in
charge and pot busts have increased over the past months, with word that the
Conservative government won't resurrect Liberal efforts to decriminalize simple
possession of marijuana.
So, it looks like the only legal way to get through this reign of horror is to
do it drunk. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, but just make sure that it’s cigarettes
you’re smoking. You know them, they’re the number one killer of Canadians –
Thank God those are still nice and legal.
Some Peel criminal lawyer guy named Gary Batasar says that police seem to be
taking a get-tough approach to all pot crimes, including simple possession.
"This is a total bummer," Batasar said.
Justice Minister Vic Toews, rubbed his hands together in a sinister manner,
sucked back a large coffee and then announced that Prime Minister Stephen
Harper's Tories have no plans to loosen marijuana laws.
"It's a green
light for police to go ahead with stricter law enforcement, if they so want,"
Young said. "And they do! So I say let’s beat those filthy, gyrating, smelly,
dope smoking radical hippies about the heads with clubs! Bwehahahah! Death to
tokers! And I don’t mean by lung cancer…”
April 3
Making
fun of the Scottish
Let see, we can’t make fun of blacks, Jews, and Italians, so I don’t know who
walks into a bar and for what reason anymore. We certainly can’t go after the
prophet Mohammad, which also means no more prophet motive jokes. So all that
leaves is the Scottish. Luckily for us, they’re so drunk all the time you can
insult them and they respond by getting pissed off, then getting pissed, and
then waking up in a ditch next to a loch and wondering how the hell they got
there. Ah Scotland! Land of the deep fried, well, everything. The glorious soul
rattling noise of the bagpipes. An instrument that when played, sounds like a
gorilla sexually assaulting a moose. You don’t hear that very often! And with
good reason. Let’s not forget Edinburgh. The capital city of Scotland produces
more heroin junkies per capita then anywhere else in the world. Congratulations
Edinburgh! And of course, try as hard you might, who can forget Scottish
cuisine? It revolves around, fish, chips, mushy pees and then spewing them up
later after several pints. Cultural icons include Sean Connery, Groundskeeper
Willy and the Loch Ness Monster, hey, there’s a good group!
April 2
3
Sunday Links
Bush Flash
Cool stuff!
Old footage of Houdini escaping suspended and from a strait jacket
The
Houdini clip was found at
this wonderful site
April 1 (Rabbits)
Happy April Fool
The King of April Fools
8 Classic April Fools’
Pranks to Play at the Office
April
Fool! The holiday falls on a Saturday and you’re not at the office.
Right? It's Saturday and please, tell me you're not at the office...
According to the sage geniuses over at CareerBuilder.com
“stress and worry on the job can be harmful, causing problems that damage your
health and performance.”
Being the concerned fiends that they are, they suggest having fun with co-workers, because it can “provide stress relief,
build rapport, make work more enjoyable and possibly improve productivity.”
But you’ll have to wait until next year for all that good stuff. Until
then, it's back to the usual toil.
Still, this gives you plenty
of time to plan your hilarious shenanigans. Some suggestions for April Fool
2007:
1. Tell the kid from the mailroom that if he
drinks glue he’ll get buzzed. It’s funny because he’ll die!
2. Shave the head and genitals of an idle
management drone. What are they gonna do – quit? Not likely!
3. Urinate in the coffee machine. It’s
actually a safer and more hygienic option than putting a tack on a chair. Not as
funny, but a safer option…
4. Chloroform your boss and take photos of him
with a hooker! It’s April Fool Fun AND it will help advance your career. Let’s
call it extortion foolery.
5. Call the company’s president and inform him
that a co-worker is embezzling. Once they are unemployed, you can sell their
ass downtown.
6. Lock all the doors and set fire to the
office. Crazy!
7. Bring in a gun and start shooting at people.
Check out the expressions on their faces. Talk about wacky April Fool’s day
antics!
8. Fake vomit? What’s wrong with the real
stuff?
March 31
In Case You Missed The Powerade
Amish Drag Race Controversy…
And to
think I once thought we could never have fun with all things Amish unless it
involved sticking ice cream in their faces! Or the classic Amish gag: Not
calling them on their phones (because they don't have them) and asking if their
fridge's were running (because they think fridges are tools of Satan!).
So, get
this: Shortly after this
Powerade TV ad began airing, Pepsi (which owns Gatorade) sued Coke (which
owns Powerade Option). The reason being that the 10-hay-bale Amish horse cart is
depicted as faster than the 50-hay-bale cart, implying that athletic performance
is better enhanced by 10-calorie Powerade Option than by 50-calorie Gatorade. As
the text of the suit alleges, "Indeed, the opposite is true: the calories
present in Gatorade supply additional energy to working muscles and, as a
result, increase endurance and performance. Powerade Option, which contains
negligible calories, cannot refuel athletes in a similar manner."
So now you know.
It's always such a shame when the lawyers have to get involved and take all the
fun out of Amish traditions, but that's lawyers for ya.
The upshot is that the ad will no longer air. It’s also likely that this one
will also never make its way to your TV screen.
Powerade
Hands
March 30
I'm Your Man
INT. GAY DISCO -- NIGHT
A man is on the dance floor with a partner.
MAN: I'd been up here ten minutes before I realized I was dancing
with another man... I really didn't know what to do. I mean I couldn't very well
skulk off the dance floor with my tail between my legs, but I also didn't want
to be...You know...dancing with him. I tried to act as though I was dancing by
myself, that was cool enough but everywhere I gyrated he gyrated too. Now this
was all very flattering but it was also kind of sickeningly repugnant. I decided
to swing around quickly and make like I was bopping with some hot number on my
left, but when I turned, I came face to face with another man. To my right as
well, in fact when I glanced around, I noticed there wasn't a single woman,
chick, fox or babe to be seen for miles. Only a sea of sweaty men with handlebar mustaches wearing leather and lace. It was then that it hit me, I had, through
some horrible miscalculation of fate stumbled into the dreaded and debauched
excess of a homosexual drinking establishment. A place where limp wrists bend
elbows and look at each other with Judy Garland eyes. I had stumbled into the
lair of the anally attentive and rectally responsive...I was a hetero stranded
in a gay bar...I remained calm.
His dancing partner, now behind him thrusts his hand on the man's genitals.
MAN: Agghhhh! Strategy, I needed a plan, had to keep a cool head. I mean I
couldn't beat them all up. What to do? I had to try and sneak out unnoticed,
bring no attention to myself. But what? Keep on dancing for the time being. I
didn't want to arouse their suspicions, or anything else for that matter. Who
could tell how they'd react if they found out? If they discovered that I wasn't one
of them... Yeah, I had to keep dancing, keep calm and keep my buns pressed tightly
together. I could see that my dancing friend was gonna be all over me in a
minute. His hot steamy male breath all over my neck...licking the little hairs.
Flattering but, of course disgusting. I could see the way he was eyeing my
warrior...I'm driving him crazy. Ha, he loves it, and why shouldn't he? Wait a
second, what if he wants to buy me a drink? If I refuse he'll know... They'll
all know. My God, it looks like I'm in for the duration. I'll just have to tough
it out. Wow, look at them all drooling at me... Take a good look at this fellas!
Ha, ha... Pathetic. Oh oh, the songs almost over, what should I do? I mean this
guy is gonna be all over me in a minute. His timing stinks, he should have made
a pass by now... Poor simp, he's probably shy. Well the songs nearly over and I
just know he's going to ask me to leave with him... Hey, that's a great idea!
I'll leave with him and that way I can get out unnoticed. Yeah, I leave arm in
arm with him and I'm sure to get out unharassed, what a plan... I should
probably go back to his place to make it look good. Well, come on, ask me...
His dancing partner begins talking with another man.
MAN: Shy. Asking his friend for advice.
His dancing partner and the other man leave.
MAN: What? Leaving... With that guy!? Look who he's leaving with...
Pathetic! Take a good bye gander at this! Oh well, I guess I'm
really stuck here now. But what to do? I guess I have no choice, I don't want to
blow my cover.
(to another guy) Hi, wanna dance? I love this song... (he
begins dancing with another man) Jesus, I may never get out of here.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
obese americans
shrinking woman
amish drag race ad
stud ant job
sun wu kong
jokes for a retirement party
april fools christ
burlap hairshirt
dangers of fart bag
buttplug rhyme
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 265
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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