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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 5
Fun Facts with Avery Ant that don't go anywhere
On
Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the
morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
This won't happen again for a thousand years... Well, actually, it will happen
again tomorrow at three seconds after 1:00 pm in the afternoon... That is, if
you don't use military time. Oh, and
depending on how you set your calendar, it could happen again in May... Again, twice
if you don't use military time... I believe the other way (the May way) is the
European calendar. Which I prefer. After all it makes more sense to go
day, month, year. Don't you think? It's alphabetical and more logical... But
my point is that after that, then it won't happen for another thousand years... I think...
But don't quote me on that...
April 4
Conservative Party Doesn’t Waste
Time Ruining Pot Smokers Fun
Canadian marijuana users are now the enemy.
Police forces, taking their cue from the new federal Conservative
government, are again cracking down on the simple possession of marijuana.
Before the Liberals lost the January election, legislation was in the works to
make possession of small amounts of pot a minor offence, much like a parking
ticket. The law was to be known as “a sensible law.” It prompted police forces
to ease up on marijuana users – and guess what? The world didn’t end and pot
smokers didn’t eat babies when they got the munchies.
But things are different today, Steven “fatty foods and secrets” Harper is in
charge and pot busts have increased over the past months, with word that the
Conservative government won't resurrect Liberal efforts to decriminalize simple
possession of marijuana.
So, it looks like the only legal way to get through this reign of horror is to
do it drunk. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, but just make sure that it’s cigarettes
you’re smoking. You know them, they’re the number one killer of Canadians –
Thank God those are still nice and legal.
Some Peel criminal lawyer guy named Gary Batasar says that police seem to be
taking a get-tough approach to all pot crimes, including simple possession.
"This is a total bummer," Batasar said.
Justice Minister Vic Toews, rubbed his hands together in a sinister manner,
sucked back a large coffee and then announced that Prime Minister Stephen
Harper's Tories have no plans to loosen marijuana laws.
"It's a green
light for police to go ahead with stricter law enforcement, if they so want,"
Young said. "And they do! So I say let’s beat those filthy, gyrating, smelly,
dope smoking radical hippies about the heads with clubs! Bwehahahah! Death to
tokers! And I don’t mean by lung cancer…”
April 3
Making
fun of the Scottish
Let see, we can’t make fun of blacks, Jews, and Italians, so I don’t know who
walks into a bar and for what reason anymore. We certainly can’t go after the
prophet Mohammad, which also means no more prophet motive jokes. So all that
leaves is the Scottish. Luckily for us, they’re so drunk all the time you can
insult them and they respond by getting pissed off, then getting pissed, and
then waking up in a ditch next to a loch and wondering how the hell they got
there. Ah Scotland! Land of the deep fried, well, everything. The glorious soul
rattling noise of the bagpipes. An instrument that when played, sounds like a
gorilla sexually assaulting a moose. You don’t hear that very often! And with
good reason. Let’s not forget Edinburgh. The capital city of Scotland produces
more heroin junkies per capita then anywhere else in the world. Congratulations
Edinburgh! And of course, try as hard you might, who can forget Scottish
cuisine? It revolves around, fish, chips, mushy pees and then spewing them up
later after several pints. Cultural icons include Sean Connery, Groundskeeper
Willy and the Loch Ness Monster, hey, there’s a good group!
April 2
3
Sunday Links
Bush Flash
Cool stuff!
Old footage of Houdini escaping suspended and from a strait jacket
The
Houdini clip was found at
this wonderful site
April 1 (Rabbits)
Happy April Fool
The King of April Fools
8 Classic April Fools’
Pranks to Play at the Office
April
Fool! The holiday falls on a Saturday and you’re not at the office.
Right? It's Saturday and please, tell me you're not at the office...
According to the sage geniuses over at CareerBuilder.com
“stress and worry on the job can be harmful, causing problems that damage your
health and performance.”
Being the concerned fiends that they are, they suggest having fun with co-workers, because it can “provide stress relief,
build rapport, make work more enjoyable and possibly improve productivity.”
But you’ll have to wait until next year for all that good stuff. Until
then, it's back to the usual toil.
Still, this gives you plenty
of time to plan your hilarious shenanigans. Some suggestions for April Fool
2007:
1. Tell the kid from the mailroom that if he
drinks glue he’ll get buzzed. It’s funny because he’ll die!
2. Shave the head and genitals of an idle
management drone. What are they gonna do – quit? Not likely!
3. Urinate in the coffee machine. It’s
actually a safer and more hygienic option than putting a tack on a chair. Not as
funny, but a safer option…
4. Chloroform your boss and take photos of him
with a hooker! It’s April Fool Fun AND it will help advance your career. Let’s
call it extortion foolery.
5. Call the company’s president and inform him
that a co-worker is embezzling. Once they are unemployed, you can sell their
ass downtown.
6. Lock all the doors and set fire to the
office. Crazy!
7. Bring in a gun and start shooting at people.
Check out the expressions on their faces. Talk about wacky April Fool’s day
antics!
8. Fake vomit? What’s wrong with the real
stuff?
March 31
In Case You Missed The Powerade
Amish Drag Race Controversy…
And to
think I once thought we could never have fun with all things Amish unless it
involved sticking ice cream in their faces! Or the classic Amish gag: Not
calling them on their phones (because they don't have them) and asking if their
fridge's were running (because they think fridges are tools of Satan!).
So, get
this: Shortly after this
Powerade TV ad began airing, Pepsi (which owns Gatorade) sued Coke (which
owns Powerade Option). The reason being that the 10-hay-bale Amish horse cart is
depicted as faster than the 50-hay-bale cart, implying that athletic performance
is better enhanced by 10-calorie Powerade Option than by 50-calorie Gatorade. As
the text of the suit alleges, "Indeed, the opposite is true: the calories
present in Gatorade supply additional energy to working muscles and, as a
result, increase endurance and performance. Powerade Option, which contains
negligible calories, cannot refuel athletes in a similar manner."
So now you know.
It's always such a shame when the lawyers have to get involved and take all the
fun out of Amish traditions, but that's lawyers for ya.
The upshot is that the ad will no longer air. It’s also likely that this one
will also never make its way to your TV screen.
Powerade
Hands
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
obese americans
shrinking woman
amish drag race ad
stud ant job
sun wu kong
jokes for a retirement party
april fools christ
burlap hairshirt
dangers of fart bag
buttplug rhyme
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 264
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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