"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 5
Yay! We're
getting our money back!
Sony Pictures Shells Out Over
Dubious Movie Critic
A judge has approved
an agreement calling for Sony Pictures to shell out $1.5 million to settle a
class-action lawsuit accusing the studio of citing a fake movie critic in ads
for several of its totally putrid and ill-conceived films.
Moviegoers who were
subjected to such crap as Vertical Limit, A Knight’s Tale, I Married A
Sassy Rag Doll, Where On Earth Are Carmen Electra’s Knockers, or Sonny,
Where’s My Viagra? during their original runs must file a claim for a $5
ticket reimbursement.
The lawsuit was filed
by moviegoers who claimed the reviews by I.P Freely from The Washington
Bedpost misled them into seeing the movies. Mr. Freely praised all the flicks
lavishly, although the fact that these people didn’t pick up on his name (A
hoary old play on words from way back) or that there’s no such
newspaper as The Washington Bedpost, really is a statement on just how dumb
people can be.
Here are some samples
of his reviews:
“That was so
neat. I loved the way they made things do crazy stuff – and those, what do
you call ‘ems, were sooo cool.”
I.P. Freely, Washington Bedpost on A Knight’s Tale
“That was so
totally cool. Smoke a joint before you see this movie, it makes it soooo
crazy!
I.P. Freely, Washington Bedpost on Sonny, Where’s My Viagra?
Hot Dog
EXT.
STREET -- AFTERNOON
Business
men, MITCH and TED with hot dogs.
MITCH:
So costs are down and things are looking up for the next quarter.
TED:
Yes I read you report. Hey, lets go over there and eat.
MITCH:
It's nice to be able to eat outside.
TED:
Yes...well, it looks like I've got the bigger hot dog.
MITCH:
What?
TED:
My hot dog. It's bigger than
yours...longer and thicker.
MITCH:
No it isn't, they're the same.
TED:
Hmm? No they're not. Look I'm not trying to boast or embarrass you but the fact of
the matter is that my hot dog is bigger and thicker. I've got a very large hot dog.
MITCH:
I'm sorry to contradict you but in fact my hot dog is a lot longer than yours,
it'll probably last longer and be more satisfying too.
TED:
It looks burnt, and it's shriveled as well.
MITCH:
Pardon me?
TED:
Your hot dog, it's burnt, the skin is all dry and shriveled and it has shrunk
to probably four fifths of it's intended size. Why it looks like it just came
out of the bath. Whereas mine is
ripe. See the way it shimmers in
the sunlight, it glistens and that's because it is engorged.
MITCH:
Engorged? It looks limp and
soggy.
TED:
No it isn't.
MITCH:
Now mine is very hard. I like a
hard hot dog, soggy dogs are no good at all.
TED:
Now while it's true that my hot dog may not be an ancient relic like yours, it
is very firm. Firm and giving,
giving to the touch. It is supple
yet rigid just the way a good hot dog should be.
MITCH:
Soggy my friend, definitely limp. I
mean it's just drooping over like a...
TED:
Like a what?
MITCH:
Like an over cooked hot dog. Now
you see how mine is tight in the bun, it nestles between the folds and seems
to fit perfectly.
TED:
So does mine.
MITCH:
No, no yours is wedged harshly in. You
see, your bun hasn't really opened and allowed the dog to gently slip in, and
that's because my bun is moist and yours is not.
TED:
My bun is exceptionally moist.
MITCH:
Then why doesn't your hot dog slip into it like mine?
TED:
It will, it just needs time for the heat of the hot dog to warm the bun and
allow to slide down.
MITCH:
Maybe. But I doubt it. I mean look at mine, and then look at yours.
Mine has a nice hearty splash of mustard, lots and lots, whereas yours
has hardly any.
TED:
I don't need any sauces or condiments to enjoy my dog.
MITCH:
But it will be tasteless and bland whereas mine will excite and arouse my
taste buds. I'll probably savor
the meal for days while you will have had a dry, cheap experience that means
nothing.
TED:
Well what do expect? I picked it
up cheap on the corner. Oh for
God's sake, stop teasing me and let me have a bite of yours.
Ted
leans over and takes a large bite of Mitch's hot dog.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Your love of ventriloquists continues to baffle all.
Taurus: Your
dream of becoming a ventriloquist baffles all (except for the Aries of this
world).
Gemini: Your dream of becoming a ventriloquist’s dummy is just plain
weird and even baffles Aries.
Cancer: You will see your family, luckily they won't see you! Keep your
head down and move on.
Leo: Profound philosophical notions for you carry more weight than a
truck loaded with gold. And keep telling yourself that because that degree in
Philosophy of yours won’t make you rich. You might also want to ponder the
philosophical truths of such statements as, “Would you like fries with
that?” And, “Shine your shoes, mister?”
Virgo: An ongoing celestial event is negatively affecting your life.
Which is really just another way of saying, “there’s bad shit in the air
and it’s coming your way.” You’ve
been warned.
Libra: You will continue to view mice as small rodents of the
families Muridae and Cricetidae.
Scorpio: You have the brains of a rodent
of the family Muridae and the pestilence of a rodent of the family Cricetidae.
Sagittarius: See Libra and Scorpio.
Capricorn: You may be tempted to pretend that a painful situation
doesn’t exist, but look, you’ve stepped in a bear trap and your leg is
becoming gangrene, for God’s sake go to a hospital!
Aquarius: Before starting something fresh in your life it is necessary
to get rid of something that is old and stale. Um, apropos of nothing, the
Vikings used to put their old and stale elders on ice floats and push them
off.
Pisces: The sun close to Mercury our ruler gives you oodles of confidence
but then Mercury prepares to move into retrograde and snatches away all your
confidence and just leaves you with oodles. And the last time we checked, you
can’t do squat with them!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
Mimi Rogers Finally Shares Dirt!
Mimi Mimi Rogers is finally realizing
that for people to really – and I mean really – take notice of her, she
should up the Cruise quote ante, and Xenu bless her, she’s figured that out.
The forgotten actress
says that her split with Tommy was because he refused to have sex with her
because, well, you know...
She filed for a divorce because his sexual
desire was non-existent. Says the unlovable gal “he was even seriously
thinking of becoming a monk... I guess he figured it might be a good way to
meet choirboys, although I’d have figured being a priest was the route to go
there, but there’s no talking to Tom. Anyhoo, he thought he had to become
celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument. He was really big on
keeping his little instrument pure. I still love Tom, but he’s so weird and
totally gay.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Let Me Touch Him
The
Ministers Quartet
Liner Notes.
All Songs By The Ministers Quartet
(Dan Smith, Dick Wilson, Bob Jones, Wilson Smith)
Side One:
1. I Dream of Choir Boy With The Light Brown Hair
2. Your Kid’s Are Safe With Me! (Camping Song)
3. Ooops, I Diddled It Again
4. Little League Baseball Coach (I’m a...)
5. Sin & Repent – Then Do It Some More!
Side Two:
1. Some People Think We’re Creepy
2. I Don’t Care That You’re Only 13 (13 Is My Lucky Number)
3. Stick It In His Rector
4. Morally Weak (But Physically Stronger)
5. The Sinister Minister
6. Let Me Touch Him (Ballad of a Choir Boy)
Oh
golly, the fellows had a heck of a time making this neat-oh album. Why, they
even ponied up their own dough to see that it got done. I say God bless Dan,
Dick, Bob and Wilson – four of the nicest ministers that I ever met. It sure
as heck was a shame when they got arrested on all those trumped up charges,
but as their lawyer, I was willing to fight tooth and nail for them. The
problem was of course that everyone was on that “we always suspected as
much” and “all men of the cloth are pedophiles” kick, and gosh darn it,
that – and the alleged photos of the guys – didn’t help them one whit.
Sure, some folk said that once they looked at the song titles and really
listened to the lyrics...
“We’ll take your kids camping
They’ll be lots of corn dogs and delight
We like to roast their marshmallows
Then polish their tent-poles all night”
...that there was no doubt in their minds
that these songs were about child molestation; but jeepers, that’s just
hindsight and searching for perversion where it simply isn’t. Just because a
song is called, “Ooops,
I Diddled It Again” doesn’t mean that it’s about the guilt associated
with sodomizing a series of teenage boys. Honestly, I don’t know where these
police officers and fancy pants, high priced, district attorneys get their
ideas. Definitely not from church!
Anyway, the odds were stacked against the
fellows, and to be honest, I’ve never claimed to be much of a lawyer –
which is why I sell insurance for a living. But darn it, I was willing to give
a try.
Upon reflection, the fellows probably should have hired one of them slick city
feller attorneys as opposed to a simple character with a drinking problem and
little understanding of the law. It was like I said to the guys as they were
getting dragged off to prison, “Aw shucks fellows, I sure am sorry things
didn’t work out. Write me!”
And they do. I got a letter from Dan last
week saying I can’t imagine what terrible and crazy things happen there.
Well I wrote him back and reminded him that I have a teenage son who likes to
go-cart and so I have a pretty good idea of what “crazy” is all about.
Hah, hah, hah, that son of mine... Sometimes he hides his vegetables under his
plate! But he’s a good boy. Dan is always asking me to send him more
pictures of the lad. I ask you, would a pervert do that?
I was sorry to hear that Bob and Dick
slipped in the showers and fell to their deaths and that Wilson accidentally
cut off his tongue while shaving, but as an insurance salesman/lawyer, I know
all about the dangers around the home. That’s why it’s important to have a
full home insurance policy. If you don’t have insurance, you should give me
a call. I can help you. And I promise to do a better job of helping you then I
did helping my friends from The Ministers Quartet.
Dave Smith
Liberty Mutual Insurance, 1964
Cover photo: John Wilson ©
1964 Lolita Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
am so stoned
how to make a bunt cake
katie holmes purification
enormous balls gallery
belleview asylum
monkey with no teeth
find george bush's pant zipper
pope rock music
whoopee cushion address canada
wayne gretzky sucks
(to the top)
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