"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 7
Pass me the hand grenades, will you sweetheart?
Our
pals “analyze” videogame sex & violence
Carpetbagger
Hilary for Prez?
Political
insiders agree: She’s semi-hot! But despite being an early front-runner for
the 2008 Democratic nomination, Hillary Clinton doesn’t have a hope. Or does
she? No, no, she doesn’t... Or does she?
No, no, not a chance...
One
facile argument, (and I love a good facile argument) often voiced by
Hillary-loathers (anti-Hilary fan clubs are, surprise, surprise, sprouting up
everywhere!) is that she's too far to the left.
Total
crap! Hilary’s big on the war, stands at the hawkish, interventionist
extreme of her party on foreign policy, she’s a confirmed free-trader, is
acting like a rabid right wing kook over videogame violence, and lately
she’s been heard nattering about the "tragedy" of abortion. Why,
she’s the ultimate Repulicrat!
Maybe
the biggest concern is that carpetbagger Hilary is doomed by association with
her sex-addicted husband and his penchant for humping legs at soirees and
inserting cigars into young, fat things. But let's not forget that our culture
loves its horndogs. In fact, Americans are getting more French in that area by
the day. Viva la similarity!
Another
theory is that misogyny would keep Hillary out of the White House. America
hasn't yet had a really good female presidential candidate even in the
primaries (say “hello” Liddy Dole, you crazy, whacked out, disturbing
freak!). To this I say, “yeah, that’s probably right.”
Hillary’s biggest challenge is, plainly put,
her personality. She doesn’t have one. Or at least not a very good one... In
fact, we may as well start the rumours now: Word is she’s actually a robot,
and that her “sex program” has malfunctioned while her “ambition
program” is set to “High.” This makes for a cold, calculating and very
determined fembot. What she lacks in compassion, she more than makes up in
circuitry and wires.
You heard it here first. Now go and spread the word.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Cartoons frequently show one character being chased by another. One runs of
the edge of a cliff, stops, looks down, notices there is no ground below and
then plunges... Man, I’m running out of metaphors.
Taurus: An errant gopher, some kitchen ants and your love of polka
music will all come together.
Gemini: Mercury, your ruler, cramps your style.
Cancer: Today you will... See above.
Leo: Once again a new moon in the most sensitive area in your
“chart” requires more steroid cream and standing in front of a fan.
Virgo: You will continue to view polygamy as the practice of having more than one spouse at one
time... How’s that song go? One wife is lots of fun/Two wives are better
than one/Three wives is a ménage et trios/Four wives is ciss-boom-bah/Five
wives is the right stuff/Six wives is not enough/But seven, seven, you’re in
Mormon chick heaven...”
Libra: See above, perv.
Scorpio: Searching for the meaning of life in the dog’s dish proves
foolhardy. (Remember your quest for it in the cat’s dish? That didn’t turn
out so well either, did it?)
Sagittarius: Your quest for the perfect porridge continues.
Capricorn: Delusions ultimately come crashing down – wear a helmet
because when you wore a hat that didn’t work out so well, did it?
Aquarius: If you have done something wrong (and we know you have)
there’s still time to get out of town.
Pisces: The rich are envied, but in the next world... Bwe, ha, ha, ha...
No, actually, they’ll still be rich and envied.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
More
“Jumping The Couch” Examples
Yesterday
we reported that Tommy Cruiser finally made a meaningful contribution to pop
culture by helping to coin the phrase “jumping the couch.”
We
defined it as: "The defining moment when an overrated actor and closet
homosexual goes off the deep end and soils themselves.”
But we’ve now been told that it can also mean: “The defining moment when
someone goes off the deep end.”
So,
here are a few more sample usages:
1.
“My boyfriend Tomas invited my family over for dinner – and ate them. That
crazy cannibal Scientologist really jumped the couch this time!”
2. “Boy, Lucy from accounting really hates Prozac. Oh, and she just shot
everyone from Data Entry. Boy, did she jump the couch!”
3. “That nutty Scientology actor, what’s-his-name, really jumped the couch
when he started suing the tabloids for claiming that he’s a hetero.”
Got
any “jump the couch” suggestions of your own? Send them to mug@averyant.com
and we’ll post them!
Hot Dog
EXT.
STREET -- AFTERNOON
Business
men, MITCH and TED with hot dogs.
MITCH:
So costs are down and things are looking up for the next quarter.
TED:
Yes I read you report. Hey, lets go over there and eat.
MITCH:
It's nice to be able to eat outside.
TED:
Yes...well, it looks like I've got the bigger hot dog.
MITCH:
What?
TED:
My hot dog. It's bigger than
yours...longer and thicker.
MITCH:
No it isn't, they're the same.
TED:
Hmm? No they're not. Look I'm not trying to boast or embarrass you but the fact of
the matter is that my hot dog is bigger and thicker. I've got a very large hot dog.
MITCH:
I'm sorry to contradict you but in fact my hot dog is a lot longer than yours,
it'll probably last longer and be more satisfying too.
TED:
It looks burnt, and it's shriveled as well.
MITCH:
Pardon me?
TED:
Your hot dog, it's burnt, the skin is all dry and shriveled and it has shrunk
to probably four fifths of it's intended size. Why it looks like it just came
out of the bath. Whereas mine is
ripe. See the way it shimmers in
the sunlight, it glistens and that's because it is engorged.
MITCH:
Engorged? It looks limp and
soggy.
TED:
No it isn't.
MITCH:
Now mine is very hard. I like a
hard hot dog, soggy dogs are no good at all.
TED:
Now while it's true that my hot dog may not be an ancient relic like yours, it
is very firm. Firm and giving,
giving to the touch. It is supple
yet rigid just the way a good hot dog should be.
MITCH:
Soggy my friend, definitely limp. I
mean it's just drooping over like a...
TED:
Like a what?
MITCH:
Like an over cooked hot dog. Now
you see how mine is tight in the bun, it nestles between the folds and seems
to fit perfectly.
TED:
So does mine.
MITCH:
No, no yours is wedged harshly in. You
see, your bun hasn't really opened and allowed the dog to gently slip in, and
that's because my bun is moist and yours is not.
TED:
My bun is exceptionally moist.
MITCH:
Then why doesn't your hot dog slip into it like mine?
TED:
It will, it just needs time for the heat of the hot dog to warm the bun and
allow to slide down.
MITCH:
Maybe. But I doubt it. I mean look at mine, and then look at yours.
Mine has a nice hearty splash of mustard, lots and lots, whereas yours
has hardly any.
TED:
I don't need any sauces or condiments to enjoy my dog.
MITCH:
But it will be tasteless and bland whereas mine will excite and arouse my
taste buds. I'll probably savor
the meal for days while you will have had a dry, cheap experience that means
nothing.
TED:
Well what do expect? I picked it
up cheap on the corner. Oh for
God's sake, stop teasing me and let me have a bite of yours.
Ted
leans over and takes a large bite of Mitch's hot dog.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Let Me Touch Him
The
Ministers Quartet
Liner Notes.
All Songs By The Ministers Quartet
(Dan Smith, Dick Wilson, Bob Jones, Wilson Smith)
Side One:
1. I Dream of Choir Boy With The Light Brown Hair
2. Your Kid’s Are Safe With Me! (Camping Song)
3. Ooops, I Diddled It Again
4. Little League Baseball Coach (I’m a...)
5. Sin & Repent – Then Do It Some More!
Side Two:
1. Some People Think We’re Creepy
2. I Don’t Care That You’re Only 13 (13 Is My Lucky Number)
3. Stick It In His Rector
4. Morally Weak (But Physically Stronger)
5. The Sinister Minister
6. Let Me Touch Him (Ballad of a Choir Boy)
Oh
golly, the fellows had a heck of a time making this neat-oh album. Why, they
even ponied up their own dough to see that it got done. I say God bless Dan,
Dick, Bob and Wilson – four of the nicest ministers that I ever met. It sure
as heck was a shame when they got arrested on all those trumped up charges,
but as their lawyer, I was willing to fight tooth and nail for them. The
problem was of course that everyone was on that “we always suspected as
much” and “all men of the cloth are pedophiles” kick, and gosh darn it,
that – and the alleged photos of the guys – didn’t help them one whit.
Sure, some folk said that once they looked at the song titles and really
listened to the lyrics...
“We’ll take your kids camping
They’ll be lots of corn dogs and delight
We like to roast their marshmallows
Then polish their tent-poles all night”
...that there was no doubt in their minds
that these songs were about child molestation; but jeepers, that’s just
hindsight and searching for perversion where it simply isn’t. Just because a
song is called, “Ooops,
I Diddled It Again” doesn’t mean that it’s about the guilt associated
with sodomizing a series of teenage boys. Honestly, I don’t know where these
police officers and fancy pants, high priced, district attorneys get their
ideas. Definitely not from church!
Anyway, the odds were stacked against the
fellows, and to be honest, I’ve never claimed to be much of a lawyer –
which is why I sell insurance for a living. But darn it, I was willing to give
a try.
Upon reflection, the fellows probably should have hired one of them slick city
feller attorneys as opposed to a simple character with a drinking problem and
little understanding of the law. It was like I said to the guys as they were
getting dragged off to prison, “Aw shucks fellows, I sure am sorry things
didn’t work out. Write me!”
And they do. I got a letter from Dan last
week saying I can’t imagine what terrible and crazy things happen there.
Well I wrote him back and reminded him that I have a teenage son who likes to
go-cart and so I have a pretty good idea of what “crazy” is all about.
Hah, hah, hah, that son of mine... Sometimes he hides his vegetables under his
plate! But he’s a good boy. Dan is always asking me to send him more
pictures of the lad. I ask you, would a pervert do that?
I was sorry to hear that Bob and Dick
slipped in the showers and fell to their deaths and that Wilson accidentally
cut off his tongue while shaving, but as an insurance salesman/lawyer, I know
all about the dangers around the home. That’s why it’s important to have a
full home insurance policy. If you don’t have insurance, you should give me
a call. I can help you. And I promise to do a better job of helping you then I
did helping my friends from The Ministers Quartet.
Dave Smith
Liberty Mutual Insurance, 1964
Cover photo: John Wilson ©
1964 Lolita Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
am so stoned
how to make a bunt cake
katie holmes purification
enormous balls gallery
belleview asylum
monkey with no teeth
find george bush's pant zipper
pope rock music
whoopee cushion address canada
wayne gretzky sucks
Only
139 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
