"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 10
“This stupid costume demeans both of us, but mostly
me.”
Doggy Fashion Shows –
Mecca for Childless People in Search of Lives and Validation Through Their
Pets
Just as disturbing as a Freak Show and
filled with people with way more disposable income – it’s The Doggy
Fashion Show!
A well-heeled audience sits
along the green “lawned” runway shaking paws with their neighbours,
marking their territory, and barking away... The lights dim, silencing the
flea-bitten crowd except for a few heavy breathers. The Prodigy classic
"Smack My Bitch Up" echoes through the hall.
All attention is now focused
on the runway entrances, framed to look like doghouses, as a new breed of
supermodel bitches bound onto the catwalk to début fashion designer Isaac
Mizrahi’s newest line of canine haute couture for Canis Familiaris.
Amidst howls of delight and wagging tails, the audience is on its feet begging
for more.
Not for the first time, I grab a bucket and vomit into it.
Yes, canine couture is the new
buzzword in the fashion world, proving that our priorities couldn’t be more
out of whack.
“My pet collection has them
salivating and rolling over,” says the appalling fop who has designed some
of the doggy apparel. He then goes on to say, get this, "while there are
definite connections between human and dog trends, dogs are ahead of humans by
a season.”
Man’s best friend, looks to
be getting more expensive: along with the usual vet and food bills they are
now required to be donned in everything from faux fur coats and casual parkas,
active wear, evening wear and bejeweled footwear, to rugged hiking boots,
hats, sun visors and backpacks.
The appalling fop then starts
going on about the importance of “tail holes and non-restrictive bottom
openings.”
When I ask him, “Do you have children?
And do you think when people dress dogs in clothes that other dogs laugh at
them?” He stares blankly and then tells me “A lot of people are including
dogs in their wedding parties or having weddings for their dogs.”
“There’s a huge demand for pet bridal
fashions highlighting lots of satin and lace and mermaid shapes,” says some
other revolting doggy fashion designer. “Fit is very important and we pay a
lot of attention to detail. Sure, it’s humiliating for the dogs, but we
think it’s a blast!”
When
he starts talking about a “swimsuit competition” it all gets to be too
much for me...
What I want to know is, how long are we as
a society going to continue to let these demeaning and objectifying displays
continue? I say 'no' to doggy fashion shows, beauty queens and cock fighting!
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
You will get an important piece of mail today telling you that you’ve been
preapproved for a platinum card – oh happy day!
Taurus: A
loved one will ask what you think of their latest fashion accessory, the words
“it makes you look fat” must never be uttered from your lips.
Gemini: Someone you think is an admirer is actually a stalker. So,
it’s not that you’re so attractive but more that they’re so insane.
Cancer: Mars continues to ply its way through your liquor cabinet.
Leo: The sun-splashed exit of a long dark tunnel will be replaced with
you stumbling blindly onto a busy highway.
Virgo: You will continue to view trolls as a supernatural
creature of Scandinavian folklore, variously portrayed as a friendly or
mischievous dwarf or as a giant, that lives in caves, in the hills, or under
bridges... But will you ever find one? The dream continues...
Libra: You have the moxy of a prostitute and the values of a hooker.
Scorpio: See above, you well rounded whore.
Sagittarius: You may want to be open and honest with colleagues and
friends, but that’s never worked before. Stick with your strengths you
duplicitous, lying, weasel.
Capricorn: No matter how important your make may be, remember, if not
you, then someone else will ask us, “Do you want fries with that?”
Aquarius: Don’t you just hate Jessica Simpson?
Pisces: You are required to implement a solution that requires, courage,
willpower, the blood of a midget, three drops of honey, the DNA of Cro-Magnon
Man, and the carcasses of several slaughtered monkeys – you go, Dr.
Frankenstein!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
Some
Dull Hollywood Woman Named Rachel Bison Takes a Swipe at Cruise – And Is
Struck Dead by Lightning!
Some
twinkie actress who goes by the name of Rachel Bison and stars on some lame TV
show called The “O.D.” or the “O.G.” or the “O.P.” or whatever
it’s called, has admitted to anyone who cares to listen that she is boinking
her TV co-star. But in the real news, this vacuous creature has created some
buzz, by, yes, slamming Tom Cruise. What did she say? Who cares!
Where did she say it? Not important! The main thing is she slammed
Cruise and got her name in some newspapers. Way to go, what’s-your-name!
This Week’s Featured Album:
12 Top Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One.
1. Love in a Bomb Shelter – The Swell
Gang
2. I’m Always On The Lookout (For Communists) – The Good Citizens
3. The Segregation Dance – The Righteous Teen Beats
4. I Love You Barbara Billingsley – The Beaver Boys
5. Without A Family, A Woman Is Nothing – 4 Neat Fellas
6. She’s The Bad Girl From The Hygiene Films – The Gay Guys
Side Two.
1. Insipid America – The Malt Shop
Band
2. The Repressed Song (Keep Smiling, Keep Smiling!) – The Keen Church
Goers
3. Never Met a Black Person, Never Met a Jew – Bobby Smith and
Friends
4. That Gal of Mine (Really Knows Her Place!) – Smiling Eddie and The
Squirrels
5. My Nuclear Family Doesn’t Include The Portuguese Maid – The Doo-Wops
6. Cold War Girl, Let Me Heat You Up – Fabulous Johnny and 23 Skidoo
Hey Guys and Gals get ready for 12 of the kookiest, nuttiest, hippest, and
most neato songs this side of squares-ville. If you like conforming, personal
hygiene, and being a good American citizen than this album is for you. If not,
then you’re a degenerate and we hope you get shot and/or sent to jail (but
mostly, shot). This rocking album of rocking songs is just rocking! And it’s
the perfect benchmark for our generation: The best one there’ll ever be,
daddyo!
Almost as fun as McCarthyism and way
more interesting than worrying about some peoples' civil liberties, 12 Top
Hits features such destined to be classic bands like, The
Gay Guys and Smiling Eddie and The Squirrels. Bands we’ll be
hearing a lot more about, I can tell you that!
If you thought your leak free ballpoint
pen and the polio vaccine were something else, than get ready to Hula Hoop
your way to the Polypropylene jukebox and enjoy all the great songs on 12
Top Hits.
And remember kids, wash your face everyday,
pledge allegiance to the flag, go to church, and if you ever have any
urges to do anything un-American, then it’s perfectly okay to hang yourself.
Until then – have fun. (But just make
sure it’s OUR kind of Christian fun... You know, the boring kind.)
Jim Jones – The Burma Shave Man 1958
Cover photo: Ward Cleaver ©
1957 Conformity Records
Hot Dog
EXT.
STREET -- AFTERNOON
Business
men, MITCH and TED with hot dogs.
MITCH:
So costs are down and things are looking up for the next quarter.
TED:
Yes I read you report. Hey, lets go over there and eat.
MITCH:
It's nice to be able to eat outside.
TED:
Yes...well, it looks like I've got the bigger hot dog.
MITCH:
What?
TED:
My hot dog. It's bigger than
yours...longer and thicker.
MITCH:
No it isn't, they're the same.
TED:
Hmm? No they're not. Look I'm not trying to boast or embarrass you but the fact of
the matter is that my hot dog is bigger and thicker. I've got a very large hot dog.
MITCH:
I'm sorry to contradict you but in fact my hot dog is a lot longer than yours,
it'll probably last longer and be more satisfying too.
TED:
It looks burnt, and it's shriveled as well.
MITCH:
Pardon me?
TED:
Your hot dog, it's burnt, the skin is all dry and shriveled and it has shrunk
to probably four fifths of it's intended size. Why it looks like it just came
out of the bath. Whereas mine is
ripe. See the way it shimmers in
the sunlight, it glistens and that's because it is engorged.
MITCH:
Engorged? It looks limp and
soggy.
TED:
No it isn't.
MITCH:
Now mine is very hard. I like a
hard hot dog, soggy dogs are no good at all.
TED:
Now while it's true that my hot dog may not be an ancient relic like yours, it
is very firm. Firm and giving,
giving to the touch. It is supple
yet rigid just the way a good hot dog should be.
MITCH:
Soggy my friend, definitely limp. I
mean it's just drooping over like a...
TED:
Like a what?
MITCH:
Like an over cooked hot dog. Now
you see how mine is tight in the bun, it nestles between the folds and seems
to fit perfectly.
TED:
So does mine.
MITCH:
No, no yours is wedged harshly in. You
see, your bun hasn't really opened and allowed the dog to gently slip in, and
that's because my bun is moist and yours is not.
TED:
My bun is exceptionally moist.
MITCH:
Then why doesn't your hot dog slip into it like mine?
TED:
It will, it just needs time for the heat of the hot dog to warm the bun and
allow to slide down.
MITCH:
Maybe. But I doubt it. I mean look at mine, and then look at yours.
Mine has a nice hearty splash of mustard, lots and lots, whereas yours
has hardly any.
TED:
I don't need any sauces or condiments to enjoy my dog.
MITCH:
But it will be tasteless and bland whereas mine will excite and arouse my
taste buds. I'll probably savor
the meal for days while you will have had a dry, cheap experience that means
nothing.
TED:
Well what do expect? I picked it
up cheap on the corner. Oh for
God's sake, stop teasing me and let me have a bite of yours.
Ted
leans over and takes a large bite of Mitch's hot dog.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
rock
stars baldness
the pope is satan
my pope hat is bigger than your pope hat
pope groupies
we got a right to pick a little fight bonanza
captain crunch roof of mouth
gory cat journal
taking a pie in the face
how to stop scientology poisoning my brother
i wanna be a porn star
Only
136 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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