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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 18
"You know what
I really, really hate? Dogs!"
Editorial:
Gang Wars Between Cats & Dogs Worsen
No one cared when all they did as bite or
chase each other up trees. But now that high-powered automatic weapons have
been added to the mix, Toronto police are cracking down on the turf wars
between cats and dogs.
With neighborhoods caught in a storm of late night barking and flying
fur-balls, authorities are saying the time has come for new approaches to stop
the endless cycle of hate that has existed between the two species.
”I say we bring back the dog catchers,” has been one Toronto city
councillor’s approach. This solution of “dog profiling” would have a
special unit patrolling targeted areas searching for young pit bulls and
rotweillers (the punk rockers of dogs) and then nabbing them in nets and
putting them down.
Naturally, the cats (particularly the fat
ones) think this is a wonderful idea.
But the fact is that most young dogs are
not biters and almost all of them don’t carry guns.
Targeting them is not only misguided but it
also means a great deal of effort will be wasted as cops hassle innocent
doggies, making them sit, beg, roll over and fetch balls.
Another solution would be to simply rid the
city of cats. Although this isn’t popular among the “old lady
contingent” and there are concerns that this would ultimately free up turf
for the rat gangs that have an increasing and menacing presence in the city.
So what to do? At
times of stress pet owners and animal lovers should be coming together rather
than been driven further apart. But the fact is that these animals have a long
history of distrusting each other, and that’s not ever going to change. The
only solution is a systematic wiping out of all cats and dogs. It’s fair,
it’s equal, it’s just and it will solve the problem.
The time has come for us to look to goldfish as the “pet of the future.”
Gerry Goldfish is a freelance writer and freshwater fish. His latest
book, “Who Needs Air?” is due to be released this fall.
This Week’s Featured Album:
Music To Relax By
In Your Barcalounger
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Fill Me With
Tranquilizers – The Soft Notes
2. Sedated Playboy – Susie & The Knockout Pills
3. I Don’t Care About My Receding Hairline (When I’m In My Reclining
Chair) – Frankie Slumber & The Vegetables
4. A World Without Teenagers – Tony “Swoon” Martini
5. Shoot The Boss (Fantasy #9) – Percy Repose & The Drifting Offs
6. Fly Me To Oblivion – The Breath Easies
Side Two
1. Moonglow &
Prescription Drugs – The Drowsy Duo
2. Only Happy When I’m In A Deep Sleep – Brain Dead Ted
3. The Barcalounger Trance – The Unconscious States
4. My Eyes Are As Dead As My Soul – Tina Torpidity
5. Make It All Go Away, Make It All End Today – The Remorseful Black
Outs
6.
Do The Coma – Mild Bill Lasovich & The Swinging Orderlies
Forget about those
filthy unkempt rabblerousing hippies. Screw those lousy, cheating, greedy
bastards at the IRS. And a big “kiss my ass” to all your other troubles.
Tonight it’s time for you to sit ‘way back, relax and listen to top
Columbia artists perform music on this album with you in mind – the poor,
put upon, schlep who can’t afford a lobotomy but might be able to scratch up
the dough for a Barcalounger.
Here is music to satisfy your urge to let
life slip you by in a wonderful coma state. Here is music to listen to while
drooling in a semi-vegetative dead-eyed gaze. Here is music to give you an
idea of what things will be like once you are dead and all your heartaches and
troubles are gone – or are at least now someone else’s!
Songs like Fill Me With
Tranquilizers, which really sum up how you feel about your problems. Or the
eminently listenable The Barcalounger Trance by those somnambulant
comatose kings of sleepy and escapist music, The Unconscious States.
Whatever your listless and tranquilized
whim, Music
to Relax By In Your Barcalounger, will match your sedated mood. Sure,
you’d rather be dead, but you can’t afford it. Yeah, a lobotomy would be
sweet, but that won’t help pay the bills. Nope, you’re going to have wait
a little longer until the big day finally comes and you finally find yourself
in some kind of blissful, brain-dead state, or even better – a totally dead
state. Until then about all you can do is buy a Barcalounger, self medicate,
drink lots of alcohol, and try and make the world go away.
Norman Mailer, 1967
Cover photo: Some Guy Who Works For Barcalounger
© 1967 Columbia Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries: That crank Saturn has entered your chart. And so has
Venus, planet of peace and harmony. Will this original “odd couple” get
along? Tune in every week...
Taurus: You
are restless, agitated, bored, hungry, you have fear, anxiety, grief,
depression, fatigue, guilt, loneliness, insecurity, dental, liver and kidney
troubles... And your farts stink... And your feet smell... That is all for
today.
Gemini: There is no point in trying to smash your way through an
obstacle that has proved too tough for those many times stronger than you...
Either get some TNT or view this as a metaphor and try and use your brain.
Either way is fine with us.
Cancer: Because of your nurturing instincts today you will allow
poisonous snakes to suckle at your breast.
Leo: Stare longingly at the price tag – and then steal it!
Virgo: House shopping? We suggest you check out the surreal estate
market.
Scorpio: The sky has so much to offer you. And yet here it is, crashing
down on your head.
Sagittarius: See above – and duck!
Capricorn: You will continue to view ferrets as weasellike,
usually albino mammal (Mustela putorius furo) related to the polecat
and often trained to hunt rats or rabbits.
Aquarius: Remember, it’s only funny until someone loses an ideology.
Pisces: Look to Chinese Fortune Cookies for better horoscopes.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Severe
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Holmes Visits Institutionalized Cruiser
Pointless actress Katie Holmes is horrified
that her fiancé, crazy fruit cake, Tommy Cruiser has become a figure of
intense ridicule since being institutionalized after
being found living on the streets, delusional and with his hair hacked
off.
The girl with the rat teeth visited her nut job love monkey yesterday and says
rumours of Cruise’s insanity are “slightly overrated.”
“He looked the same to me,” she said,
“he was jumping up and down on furniture, pounding the floor with his fist
and screaming: ‘I'm in love’ between shouts of manic laughter. Same old
Tom.”
The flipped out canned ham of an actor apparently really jumped the couch
after learning that the spaceship he claimed had been coming for him actually
did arrive but bypassed him in favour of one of John Travolta’s hemorrhoids.
Cruise is staying
at the famous Hollywood nut factory “Bedlam & Breakfast.” The
“resort” has in the past hosted a number of psychologically challenged
stars including, Dame Judy Dench, Peter O’Toole and Darth Vader.
The deluded canned ham is getting fed his famous “all vitamin” diet, but
other than expelling really bright green urine is still “a psychotic
washout” according to Institution Head, Robyn Hitchcock.
World’s
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
Our
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
1.
Condoleezza Rice
Secretary
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
She
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
With
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Absolute Power!”
2.
Wu
Yi
Vice
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
Having
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
traitors.
3.
Yulia
Tymoshenko
Prime
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
This
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
4.
Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator –
US
Superpower
– Opportunistic Powers
Having
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
With
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
kryptonite.
7.
Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
9.
Nicole Richie
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
10.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
The
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
visayan
warty pig
prize may not be exactly as shown
butt plug rhyme
the date avery country was elected
disposable hotdog warmers
why is there no king ant
cartoon eyes bugging out
avery ant and sarah jessica parker
hillbilly moonshine xxx jugs
psychological
propaganda for modern type of woman who shall rule the world
Only 128 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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