"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 19
Just what I wanted, a keg! You shouldn’t
have…Really!
Cheaping out at Weddings: Why You Should And All The Benefits Of...
If you’re stuck with friends, then chances are good that one of them will
get tricked into marriage and you'll subsequently be attending their wedding as a
guest.
Unless you totally luck out and have a funeral
to attend that day, chances are that you’ll have to go. And if
you’re going to have to then you'll be faced with the age-old question:
What’s the cheapest possible gift I can give that requires the littlest
amount of thought and time? If you're thinking about anything that appears on
the list below, then you are on right track. The bride and groom might be
appalled, but as far as I’m concerned – this stuff is gold.
Pushing your lack of taste about art on them:
Don't assume that your taste in art is the same as the couple's – but also,
don’t worry about it. After all, if they’re only gonna put up your velvet
picture of the bullfighter when you visit, well, that’s fine. Hey, it’s
not like you need to see it all the time, right?
Here are some garish suggestions:
“A 3-D painting of a naked woman with a sword
on a unicorn"
"A birdhouse made up of dead birds”
"A ceramic goat boy phallus statue"
"A picture of a flaming gargoyle skull"
"A ceramic cow with massive udders"
"A hand-blown vase that looks like a bong"
Be a cheapskate and remember to get as loaded as you can:
The standard wedding etiquette is as follows:
For a coworker or a distant family friend or relative, spend around $50-$75.
(Gasp!) For a relative or friend, $75-$100, (Aggh!) and for a close relative
or close friend, spend $100-$150 or more. (The horror!)
You could spend this... But, I mean, come on! That money could also get
spent on Internet porn, liquor, a bag of pot and the pizza you’ll inevitably
order after having partaken in the previous items. Hey, the wedding’s
already about them. What about your needs? Here are some all-time
classic cheap gifts...
"A pair of your old underwear"
"A half drank bottle of wine vinegar"
"A used mop"
"A roll of tin foil"
"Generic air freshener"
"A gift certificate for one McHappy Meal"
"An IOU"
"Attitude!"
Re-gifting isn’t a crime
and it’s good for a laugh!
Nothing says "Okay, you’re married, but I
don’t give a crap and there’s no way I’m going to shell out for a real
present when I’ve got plenty of junk in my basement" like giving a gift
that you’ve already used. Here are a few really great regifts that are
guaranteed that you can live without.
"A regifted condom”
"A regifted bottle of eye medicine”
"A regifted book by Michael Moore"
"A regifted wheel barrel (missing its wheels)"
”Regifted gift wrapping paper”
Incredibly inappropriate
– the funnest gifts to give!
The best gifts are the totally inappropriate ones. Unfortunately at most
weddings you don’t get to see the look on the bride and groom’s faces when
they unwrap them. And that’s a shame. But you can still take solace trying
to imagine what the expression on their shocked, disappointed and nauseated
faces must be like. And there’s always the bonus chuckle when they send you
a card thanking you for it. That really is the capper! Give the gift of
inappropriate and feel the love... If you can.
"A book on how to cope with impotence”
"A gift certificate for a divorce lawyer”
”A subscription to Playboy Magazine”
"A jar of alien urine"
”An Easy-Bake Oven”
"The address of the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous"
Utterly useless,
totally pointless and completely great:
Remember, be creative. If you can think up something that strikes you as
redundant, you’ve picked a winner. If you come up with an idea that makes
you think, “God, they’ll never talk to me again” then you’re more than
on the right track. Use alcohol to help you come up with useless ideas; at the
very least you’ll have an empty bottle of booze to give them! Also worth
considering are...
"A
hairball”
”Your collection of elastic bands”
"An x-ray of your genitals”
"A Jesus golf club head cover"
"A bag of frozen peas"
"A pamphlet about personal hygiene"
"Your dog"
"Unwanted advice"
”A sexually transmitted disease”
This Week’s Featured Album:
Music To Relax By
In Your Barcalounger
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Fill Me With
Tranquilizers – The Soft Notes
2. Sedated Playboy – Susie & The Knockout Pills
3. I Don’t Care About My Receding Hairline (When I’m In My Reclining
Chair) – Frankie Slumber & The Vegetables
4. A World Without Teenagers – Tony “Swoon” Martini
5. Shoot The Boss (Fantasy #9) – Percy Repose & The Drifting Offs
6. Fly Me To Oblivion – The Breath Easies
Side Two
1. Moonglow &
Prescription Drugs – The Drowsy Duo
2. Only Happy When I’m In A Deep Sleep – Brain Dead Ted
3. The Barcalounger Trance – The Unconscious States
4. My Eyes Are As Dead As My Soul – Tina Torpidity
5. Make It All Go Away, Make It All End Today – The Remorseful Black
Outs
6.
Do The Coma – Mild Bill Lasovich & The Swinging Orderlies
Forget about those
filthy unkempt rabblerousing hippies. Screw those lousy, cheating, greedy
bastards at the IRS. And a big “kiss my ass” to all your other troubles.
Tonight it’s time for you to sit ‘way back, relax and listen to top
Columbia artists perform music on this album with you in mind – the poor,
put upon, schlep who can’t afford a lobotomy but might be able to scratch up
the dough for a Barcalounger.
Here is music to satisfy your urge to let
life slip you by in a wonderful coma state. Here is music to listen to while
drooling in a semi-vegetative dead-eyed gaze. Here is music to give you an
idea of what things will be like once you are dead and all your heartaches and
troubles are gone – or are at least now someone else’s!
Songs like Fill Me With
Tranquilizers, which really sum up how you feel about your problems. Or the
eminently listenable The Barcalounger Trance by those somnambulant
comatose kings of sleepy and escapist music, The Unconscious States.
Whatever your listless and tranquilized
whim, Music
to Relax By In Your Barcalounger, will match your sedated mood. Sure,
you’d rather be dead, but you can’t afford it. Yeah, a lobotomy would be
sweet, but that won’t help pay the bills. Nope, you’re going to have wait
a little longer until the big day finally comes and you finally find yourself
in some kind of blissful, brain-dead state, or even better – a totally dead
state. Until then about all you can do is buy a Barcalounger, self medicate,
drink lots of alcohol, and try and make the world go away.
Norman Mailer, 1967
Cover photo: Some Guy Who Works For Barcalounger
© 1967 Columbia Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
It might be wise to... Wait, you, wise?
Taurus: The
approaching full moon will transform you into the wolfman.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: There are some things about you that people really need to
know. Like when you’re leaving.
Leo: Surrender to spontaneity in about 30 minutes. This should give you
time to write down a few notes on what spontaneous things you plan to do.
Virgo: Surrender to spontaneity and spontaneously combust.
Libra: Surrender to spontaneity, Dorothy.
Scorpio: You will continue to view bastards as children born out of
wedlock.
Sagittarius: You will continue to view bastards as people who are mean
and disagreeable.
Capricorn: You will continue to view bastards as mean and disagreeable
people who are born out of wedlock.
Aquarius: Like most Aquarians you have a thing about perfection – in
that you’ve never mastered it.
Pisces: If you agree with the theory that we grow wise as we age than you
must be the smartest person in the world.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Severe
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise claims
he was visited by The Ghost of Christmas Past
Tommy Cruiser, institutionalized
after being found living on the streets, delusional and with his hair
hacked off, is telling workers at the asylum that he was visited by The Ghost
of Christmas Past.
”This isn’t uncommon,” says Institution Head, Robyn Hitchcock, “the
all vitamin diet has been known to cause hallucinations and paranoid
delusions. We just need to up his dosage of beta-carotene.”
Cruise, who is now demanding that his name be changed to Ebenezer, is staying
at the famous Hollywood nut factory “Bedlam & Breakfast.” The
“resort” has in the past hosted a number of psychologically challenged
stars including, Shirley Temple, John Huston, and Kermit The Frog.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
visayan
warty pig
prize may not be exactly as shown
butt plug rhyme
the date avery country was elected
disposable hotdog warmers
why is there no king ant
cartoon eyes bugging out
avery ant and sarah jessica parker
hillbilly moonshine xxx jugs
psychological
propaganda for modern type of woman who shall rule the world
Only 127 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
World’s
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
Our
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
1.
Condoleezza Rice
Secretary
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
She
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
With
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Absolute Power!”
2.
Wu
Yi
Vice
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
Having
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
traitors.
3.
Yulia
Tymoshenko
Prime
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
This
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
4.
Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator –
US
Superpower
– Opportunistic Powers
Having
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
With
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
kryptonite.
7.
Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
9.
Nicole Richie
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
10.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
The
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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