"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

August 27

Are You A Suck-Up?
 

Are you a self-seeking, servile, fawning, bootlicking toady?

Here’s a surprise, it turns out bosses really like a pathetic sycophant. Sure, it might make you unpopular with co-workers, but once you rise up the ranks you can watch them pucker up for you. 

Take the test and see if you’ve got the right stuff to be an ass-kissing worm.

1. How often do you perform sexual services for your boss? Give yourself 1 point for straight sex. 2 for oral. 3 for gay if you’re a heterosexual. 4 for kinky stuff.

2. How many times a month do make a sacrifice in your bosses honor? Give yourself 5 points for each time per month. Add an additional 10 points if you’re sacrificing virgins.

3. How often do you wash your bosses hair? Score 7 points per monthly shampoo and an additional 5 if you use conditioner.

4. What have you said to your boss this week? For every time you've said the following phrases to your boss in the last week, give yourself the correlating points-
"Thank you for the beating, may I please have another?” Take 5 points.
"I continue to worship at the feet of your alter" Take 3 points.
"Here let me clean up your vomit." Take 3 points.
"You are more powerful than God and have a better beard than Jesus" Take 5 points. (Minus 10 if your boss is a Muslim woman)
"Is there anyone you would like me to kill?" Take 4 points.

5. Give yourself 1 point for each affirmative response to your boss in a week such as, "wow, that’s profound," "yes, you are absolutely right, I am a piece of crap," "that’s exactly what I would have said if I was as smart and good looking as you," "well said and thank you for throwing hot coffee on me," "good point, I will convert to Catholicism," "no problem, I was happy to let you check if your pit-bull’s teeth were sharp, boy it really focused on my groin, huh?" etc.

Now add them up and see what kind of yes-man you really are.

40 points or more – You’re the ultimate suck-up. You’ll go far.
20-39 points – You're a likeable sycophant, but need more work, some more focused puckering would do your career good.
15-30 points – You need to start sucking up now.
Less than 15 points – You may not be a toady but you’re also about to get fired.

        Meet The Reapers

INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY

MR. HENDERSON conducts a parent-teacher interview with MR. REAPER and MRS. REAPER.  Mr. Reaper carries a sickle and is dressed in traditional black robe, while Mrs. Reaper is in "normal" attire.  Mr. Henderson paces nervously.

MR. HENDERSON: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Reaper, here's the grade three classroom, there's Grim Jr.'s little desk...He's a good boy, a little intense, but...well, thank-you for coming...

MRS REAPER: We are just so thrilled to be here.  My husband and I think it's very important to take an active role in our son's education.  Not enough parents do nowadays, don't you agree?

MR. HENDERSON: Actually, I'm sort of into the whole...parents shouldn't have to come to the school, ever...movement that's been really been picking up steam.

MRS REAPER: So how is Grim Jr. doing in class, Mr. Henderson?  Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh yes, he's very bright...his Latin is almost eerie.

MRS REAPER: He gets that from his father.  Doesn't he, honey?

MR. HENDERSON: He just works those boney fingers to the bone.  Ha ha ha...  Care for a cocktail?

Henderson pulls a bottle out from desk drawer.

MRS REAPER: No, thank-you.

MR. HENDERSON: I know it's a bit early, but what the hell...

He drinks.  Mr. Reaper points at a finger painting hanging on the wall.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): That?  Yes, that's Grim Jr.'s finger painting.  He called it, "Portrait of a Death Foretold" the caretakers been on indefinite leave ever since the unveiling.

MRS REAPER: He's such a little scamp.  Does he get along with the other children?

MR. HENDERSON: Well, they are a little apprehensive around him.

MRS REAPER: Apprehensive?

MR. HENDERSON: Apprehensive.  Terrified, petrified, run away screaming, wet their pants.  You know how kids are.

MRS REAPER: But have you noticed anything odd about Grim's behaviour?

MR. HENDERSON: Well, he does tend to emit low, guttural moans.

MRS REAPER: Maybe it's a cry for help.

MR. HENDERSON: I don't think so.  I've heard lots of them from the other children.

MRS REAPER: You know, his dad wanted to educate him at home.

MR. HENDERSON: Great idea!  There's a lot to be said for that.

Mrs. Reaper takes Mr. Henderson aside.

MRS REAPER: The reason I ask about Grim Jr.'s behaviour is because...things haven't been so "honky dory" at home.  We seem to be drifting apart.  We just don't have anything in common any more.  I want to make new friends, he wants to kill the ones we have.  I want a puppy, he wants to...well, you get the idea.  I'm just afraid it might be affecting the boy.

MR. HENDERSON: I had no idea.  I'm sorry.

MRS REAPER: (getting emotional) He's become so distant.  We haven't had sex in three months.

MR. HENDERSON: And that bothers you?  Why is your husband pointing at me?

MRS REAPER: He thinks you're poisoning Grim Jr.'s mind.

MR. HENDERSON: Nonsense.  I have nothing to do with his mind.  I'm a teacher.

MRS REAPER: Don't you point at Mr. Henderson, Grim.  It's not his fault our marriage is in trouble.

MR. HENDERSON: Now let's not get hubby upset.  We don't want him flying off the handle.

He takes another drink.  Mrs. Reaper begins to sob.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): Hey, Reaper, your wife is pretty upset over here...

MRS REAPER: I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson, I didn't mean to lose control like this.  It's just...

MR. HENDERSON: That's alright.  Look, Reaper, can I call you Reap?  I really don't know you, and I'd just as soon keep it that way...

Mr. Henderson laughs alone.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): Boy, what a stiff...  Anyway, my point is that I've been teaching for a good many years, and I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart.  My own, for example.  And believe me, nine times out of ten the problem is a lack of communication.  Talk to your wife, Reaper.  Express your fears, your dreams.  Better yet, go away on a vacation.  I hear Mexico's due for some earthquakes.  And why not try a little image overhaul while you're at it?  Wear something with a pattern, try a Hawaiian shirt, tell the odd joke.  Lose the macho crap, learn to cry.  And another thing...I'm drunk and I'm sorry.  I don't know what came over me.

MRS REAPER: Please, Grim, listen to Mr. Henderson.  Let's take a vacation...fall in love all over again.

Mr. Reaper nods.

MRS REAPER (CONT'D): Oh Honey!  Thank-you, Mr. Henderson.

MR. HENDERSON: Not a problem.

MRS REAPER: How can we ever repay you?

MR. HENDERSON: Did I mention my ex-wife?  Another joke.  Ha ha.  Sorry I was a little rough on you there Grim, no hard feelings, huh?

Mr. Reaper extends his hand.  Henderson shakes it and falls to the ground dead.

MRS REAPER: Well, that went well.  Let's go see the gym teacher next.

They exit.

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: You want to do something bold and adventurous, something that gets you noticed, whatever that is, you’ll get more attention if you do it naked. Just saying...
Taurus: You will continue to view gumboils as small abscesses on the gum.
Gemini: You will realize teenagers suck.
Cancer: You’re like a slinky. Pleasant enough to look at and fun to push down the stairs.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You can change many things in your life but you cannot change what is fated to happen. Sooner or later you will get a bad haircut.
Libra: Stay focused on your long-term ambitions regarding your short-term plans.
Scorpio: You have food in your teeth.
Sagittarius: Some things in life cannot be valued in financial terms. They are called “the useless things.”
Capricorn: Your freedom to act may be limited at the moment but that doesn’t mean you are a slave. Now stop reading this and peel me a grape.
Aquarius: Um, I don’t know... Let’s say that you’ll have money concerns... Yeah, money concerns.
Pisces: The world may be full of injustice but there is no point in being bitter about it. Just blame your husband.

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
          Today: Severe      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Cruiser Denies Vampire Allegations 

Ex-Scientologist and current modern day vampire, Tommy Cruiser has hit back at true allegations that claim he gave up his beloved cult in order to become a vampire because he enjoys sucking the blood of Hollywood film producers and because he believes, “Vampires are cooler than Scientologists.”

The Hollywood reanimated corpse who now rises from his grave at night to suck the blood of sleeping film producers and gaffers is alleged to have said that he enjoys drinking the blood of the living and doesn’t mind nibbling on the occasional rodent or housecat.

An interview quotes Cruise as saying: "I enjoy drinking the blood of the living and don’t even mind nibbling on the occasional rodent or housecat. Or heck, even a Hollywood producer.”

However, furious (always furious!) Tommy, Prince of Darkness, has denied the claims insisting he has been misquoted and that he would never drink the blood of a Hollywood producer.

Last night a spokesman for the 43-year-old vampire said: "This is total crap. The blood of a rodent, yes, but only a madman would drink the blood of a Hollywood producer. Who knows what’s in that stuff? Tom’s crazy, but he’s not insane.” 

I ask you, do I look gay?

      

    This Week’s Featured Album:
       Music For Your Plants

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Grow, Damn It! 
2. Green Thumb, My Ass
3. Mocked By A Fern
4. More Water? More Shade? What Is It You Want???
5. Fertilizer Blues

Side Two

1. Perhaps A Fish Tank...
2. Hydroponic Hell
3. Where Did Those Bugs Come From?
4. Requiem For a Ficus
5. My Plant Is Smarter Than Me... Or Should That Be I?

“Music For Your Plants” is based on scientific* research that has been cited in The National Enquirer and on The Phil Donohue Show.

In recent years scienticians and other lunatic fringe researchers have conducted experiments demonstrating the effects of music on plants. These remarkable experiments – in that they are a remarkable waste of time and money – have proven incontrovertibly+ that evil rock music (performed by long haired, stupid, marijuana smoking lay-abouts) actually hurts plant growth while classical music (performed by long-haired, sherry drinking, intellectual lay-abouts) stimulates plant growth.

The most renowned (ha!) researcher in the field, Mrs. Sally Retallack, of Hooterville, Tennessee, began experimenting on plants after her cats all died. Today she is a noted “Plant Scientician” and the results of her work are discussed among her neighbors, many of whom are concerned that has stopped bathing.

In her most noted experiment, Mrs. Retallack placed identical groups of healthy houseplants in two separate Environmental Control Chambers. The only variable was the type of music played in each one.

While her previous experiments on cats had driven the poor creatures insane, her work on plants proved fascinating – to her, at least.

In the rock chamber the plants became ignorant, lazy and criminal. All they seemed to want to do was fornicate, mellow out and “hassle the pigs.” They needed excessive water, called her a “bummer” and after 18 days, Mrs. Retallack was so disgusted with their “let it all hang out” attitude that she shipped them off to Vietnam. Flower power indeed!

In the classical chamber the results were just the opposite. The good, law abiding republican plants grew leaves and flowers more rapidly. They saluted the flag and required water only once a week. By the end of 18 days they were baking pies and doing jumping jacks.

Based on Mrs. Retallack’s research and our desire to rid the world of undesirables, this album provides a selection of the kind of music that good American plants like.

Classical Plant No. 36A-B69    1971

* No, not really
+ No, not really

Cover photo: Classical Plant No. 23D-P90 © 1971 Vegetative Records          

This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com  (really!)

wonderwoman pie in the face
canned ham lyrics
how to use a crackpipe
backyard bomb shelter
princess diana haunting
godzilla attacks japan
boozehound pics
trusting a hotdog salesman
circus freaks
nudist frat boy

Only 119 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

World’s 10 Most Powerful Superwomen

Our very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done. We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.  

1. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire

She is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and can live on the sun.

With her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the "Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of Absolute Power!” 

Having finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!

5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph  

As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her. Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase, “I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic. 

6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control

With a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her kryptonite.

7. Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian! 

With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets, wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original "psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!

8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons  

Having saved her family pizzeria from the “Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak! 

9. Nicole Richie 
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman

“Able To Withstand Large Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”

Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon, but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.

10. The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot

The most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!

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