"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 30
Keep Your Eye On The Coffee!
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1.
The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk
Side Two
1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at
Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves
He’s not as creepy as a
shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all
grabby.
He’s the voice of Top Cat
and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s
Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!
So sit back, close your
eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled
muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a
chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on
Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain
types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.
Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.
Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom
Cover photo:
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Make everyone around you happy and don’t say anything today.
Taurus: You have the majesty of an eagle and the diseases of a pigeon.
Gemini: You will continue to view fossils as remnants or traces of an
organism of a past geologic age, such as a skeleton or leaf imprint, embedded
and preserved in the earth's crust.
Cancer: You will continue to view fossils as old people.
Leo: You will continue to view fossils as words or morphemes that are
used only in certain restricted contexts.
Virgo: The past lunar month has been exceptionally potent (insert
Viagra joke here).
Libra: See above.
Scorpio: An old flame will set fire to your house.
Sagittarius: A wandering gypsy and your love of teasing wandering
gypsies will backfire terribly today.
Capricorn: Jupiter promises lots of ‘synchronicity’ to use the
psychologist Carl Jung’s term. It also promises lots of ‘penis envy’ to
use the psychologist Sigmund Freud’s term.
Aquarius: You appear to be caught between a rock and a hard place.
Enjoy the view!
Pisces: If it would be nice if certain irritating issues would just
disappear. Just curious, do you still have that shotgun in the closet?
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
More on Tom Cruise
Vampire Cookbook
Word is that blood-sucker and newly
anointed vampire, Tommy Cruiser, is about to release “The Cruiser’s
Vampire Cook Book.” Advance
sales are boffo according to the actor’s undead minions. And while Tom’s
pale, sun-fearing, fans can’t wait to try out some of his sumptuous and
bloody recipes, even the media are praising the ghoul’s culinary efforts.
“Tom may have jumped the couch again with
this vampire deal and vampire cookbook,” said Diane Sawyer, “but these
recipes are damned tasty.”
Here’s another
sneak peek at some of Tom’s recipes:
Mushrooms with Jalapeno Peppers and Undead
3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp butter
1 lb mushrooms
4 seeded jalapeno peppers
1 tsp pepper
1 fresh corpse
Heat the oil in heavy skillet. When foaming add all ingredients except for
corpse. Cook over medium heat and while waiting suck on corpse’s blood.
I want to suck your...blood
Here’s Tom's famous Vampire Soup.
Vampire Soup
1 human sacrifice
6 medium leeks
4 large potatoes
8 cups blood stock
3tsp minced chives
In
saucepan combine leeks, potatoes and chives. Puncture neck of human sacrifice
and draw 8 cups of blood stock. Combine with other ingredients and simmer for
30 minutes.
Meet The Reapers
INT.
CLASSROOM -- DAY
MR.
HENDERSON conducts a parent-teacher interview with MR. REAPER and MRS. REAPER.
Mr. Reaper carries a sickle and is dressed in traditional black robe,
while Mrs. Reaper is in "normal" attire.
Mr. Henderson paces nervously.
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Reaper, here's the grade three classroom,
there's Grim Jr.'s little desk...He's a good boy, a little intense,
but...well, thank-you for coming...
MRS
REAPER: We are just so thrilled to be here.
My husband and I think it's very important to take an active role in
our son's education. Not enough
parents do nowadays, don't you agree?
MR.
HENDERSON: Actually, I'm sort of into the whole...parents shouldn't have to
come to the school, ever...movement that's been really been picking up steam.
MRS
REAPER: So how is Grim Jr. doing in class, Mr. Henderson?
Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?
MR.
HENDERSON: Oh yes, he's very bright...his Latin is almost eerie.
MRS
REAPER: He gets that from his father. Doesn't
he, honey?
MR.
HENDERSON: He just works those boney fingers to the bone.
Ha ha ha... Care for a
cocktail?
Henderson
pulls a bottle out from desk drawer.
MRS
REAPER: No, thank-you.
MR.
HENDERSON: I know it's a bit early, but what the hell...
He
drinks. Mr. Reaper points at a
finger painting hanging on the wall.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): That? Yes,
that's Grim Jr.'s finger painting. He
called it, "Portrait of a Death Foretold" the caretakers been on
indefinite leave ever since the unveiling.
MRS
REAPER: He's such a little scamp. Does
he get along with the other children?
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, they are a little apprehensive around him.
MRS
REAPER: Apprehensive?
MR.
HENDERSON: Apprehensive. Terrified,
petrified, run away screaming, wet their pants.
You know how kids are.
MRS
REAPER: But have you noticed anything odd about Grim's behaviour?
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, he does tend to emit low, guttural moans.
MRS
REAPER: Maybe it's a cry for help.
MR.
HENDERSON: I don't think so. I've
heard lots of them from the other children.
MRS
REAPER: You know, his dad wanted to educate him at home.
MR.
HENDERSON: Great idea! There's a
lot to be said for that.
Mrs.
Reaper takes Mr. Henderson aside.
MRS
REAPER: The reason I ask about Grim Jr.'s behaviour is because...things
haven't been so "honky dory" at home.
We seem to be drifting apart. We
just don't have anything in common any more.
I want to make new friends, he wants to kill the ones we have.
I want a puppy, he wants to...well, you get the idea.
I'm just afraid it might be affecting the boy.
MR.
HENDERSON: I had no idea. I'm
sorry.
MRS
REAPER: (getting emotional) He's become so distant.
We haven't had sex in three months.
MR.
HENDERSON: And that bothers you? Why
is your husband pointing at me?
MRS
REAPER: He thinks you're poisoning Grim Jr.'s mind.
MR.
HENDERSON: Nonsense. I have
nothing to do with his mind. I'm
a teacher.
MRS
REAPER: Don't you point at Mr. Henderson, Grim.
It's not his fault our marriage is in trouble.
MR.
HENDERSON: Now let's not get hubby upset.
We don't want him flying off the handle.
He
takes another drink. Mrs. Reaper
begins to sob.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): Hey, Reaper, your wife is pretty upset over here...
MRS
REAPER: I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson, I didn't mean to lose control like this.
It's just...
MR.
HENDERSON: That's alright. Look,
Reaper, can I call you Reap? I
really don't know you, and I'd just as soon keep it that way...
Mr.
Henderson laughs alone.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): Boy, what a stiff...
Anyway, my point is that I've been teaching for a good many years, and
I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart.
My own, for example. And
believe me, nine times out of ten the problem is a lack of communication.
Talk to your wife, Reaper. Express
your fears, your dreams. Better
yet, go away on a vacation. I
hear Mexico's due for some earthquakes. And why not try a little image overhaul while you're at it?
Wear something with a pattern, try a Hawaiian shirt, tell the odd joke.
Lose the macho crap, learn to cry.
And another thing...I'm drunk and I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
MRS
REAPER: Please, Grim, listen to Mr. Henderson.
Let's take a vacation...fall in love all over again.
Mr.
Reaper nods.
MRS
REAPER (CONT'D): Oh Honey! Thank-you,
Mr. Henderson.
MR.
HENDERSON: Not a problem.
MRS
REAPER: How can we ever repay you?
MR.
HENDERSON: Did I mention my ex-wife? Another
joke. Ha ha.
Sorry I was a little rough on you there Grim, no hard feelings, huh?
Mr.
Reaper extends his hand. Henderson
shakes it and falls to the ground dead.
MRS
REAPER: Well, that went well. Let's
go see the gym teacher next.
They
exit.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
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20
year old puncture wound is still painful
Only 116 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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