"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

August 31

ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...

Advice for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.

Ask Frank!

So Cheap

Dear Frankie’s Monster,

People say that I’m really cheap and they’re right. Why is that?

Frankenstein’s Monster Say: 

Mmmmmmmaaghhaggh!  Because you  Scottish. Scottish worse than fire.  But Frankenstein still not afraid to make fun of Scotland. Only nationality you can make fun of. If you born in Scotland, you a drunken cheapskate. Ha, ha, Maaaaaaaaagghhh!

Oral monster

Hey Frankie,

My girlfriend wants oral sex. I’m not interested. I’m right, yes?

Bobby

Frankenstein’s Monster Say: 

Mahahahahahaha, Frankenstein say yes, you right. Ha! Frankenstein kidding. Frankenstein say either you get south of border or risk losing girl.  That not good. You wind up alone and in burning tower as villagers torch it and jeer. Oh how they jeer. It scary stuff.

Old Folk’s Hell

Dear Monster of Frankenstein,

My husband and I have committed my 85 year-old mother to an old folk’s home. Now we’re spending the money we made on the sale of her house like drunken ypsies. Whoops, sorry, I mean drunken gypsies. 

Anyway, is that okay? What do you think?

Tightwads from Texas

Frankenstein’s Monster Say:

Me no like so many questions. You seem like assholes. Frankenstein have problems with assholes... And gypsies... And villagers... Real problem with villagers... But, that Frankenstein’s problem, not yours.  Mrrrraghhhh!

     

    This Week’s Featured Album:
   Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk

Side Two

1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves

He’s not as creepy as a shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all grabby.

He’s the voice of Top Cat and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!

So sit back, close your eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.

Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.  Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.

Arnold’s Disappointed Mom

Cover photo: Arnold’s Disappointed Mom  © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records   

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: You will continue to view doilies as small ornamental mats, usually of lace or linen.
Taurus: As of late you’ve been bending over backward in attempt to please everyone and show off your contortionist skills. And now you’re nothing but a mangled pretzel.
Gemini: Unless you want to spend another long evening with a person who bores you, we suggest you find a friend, pet, or mate. 
Cancer: It’s possible that someone is punishing you this week by gnawing on a bone of contention. Fight back and gnaw on their anklebone.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You are rambunctious like a child and flesh-eating like a deadly disease. 
Libra: Today’s cosmic picture will remind you... Hmmm, actually, just what the hell is a cosmic picture?  
Scorpio: This is an excellent time for money matters. And if you had any, you’d be laughing.
Sagittarius: There is a good reason to suspect a conspiracy against you – you’re paranoid!
Capricorn: Be sure to start worrying about something that may never happen. Might we suggest a plague of toads, or killer bees.
Aquarius: Mars and Neptune are disengaging. What does that mean? Nothing. But it sounds kind of kinky, doesn’t it?
Pisces: You’re okay by us.

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
          Today: Guarded      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

More on Tom Cruise Vampire Cookbook

Word is that wacky and newly anointed vampire, Tommy Cruiser, is about to release “The Cruiser’s Vampire Cook Book.”  We’re all a titter about it over here.

Apparently advance sales are way better than “War of the Worlds” numbers and Spielberg is jealous and thinking about writing his own cook book – for aliens and doughy eyed children!

I want to suck your...blood

Here’s Tom's famous Mushroom Undead.

Mushrooms with Jalapeno Peppers and Undead

3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp butter
1 lb mushrooms
4 seeded jalapeno peppers
1 tsp pepper
1 fresh corpse

Heat the oil in heavy skillet. When foaming add all ingredients except for corpse. Cook over medium heat and while waiting suck on corpse’s blood.

          Meet The Reapers

INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY

MR. HENDERSON conducts a parent-teacher interview with MR. REAPER and MRS. REAPER.  Mr. Reaper carries a sickle and is dressed in traditional black robe, while Mrs. Reaper is in "normal" attire.  Mr. Henderson paces nervously.

MR. HENDERSON: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Reaper, here's the grade three classroom, there's Grim Jr.'s little desk...He's a good boy, a little intense, but...well, thank-you for coming...

MRS REAPER: We are just so thrilled to be here.  My husband and I think it's very important to take an active role in our son's education.  Not enough parents do nowadays, don't you agree?

MR. HENDERSON: Actually, I'm sort of into the whole...parents shouldn't have to come to the school, ever...movement that's been really been picking up steam.

MRS REAPER: So how is Grim Jr. doing in class, Mr. Henderson?  Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh yes, he's very bright...his Latin is almost eerie.

MRS REAPER: He gets that from his father.  Doesn't he, honey?

MR. HENDERSON: He just works those boney fingers to the bone.  Ha ha ha...  Care for a cocktail?

Henderson pulls a bottle out from desk drawer.

MRS REAPER: No, thank-you.

MR. HENDERSON: I know it's a bit early, but what the hell...

He drinks.  Mr. Reaper points at a finger painting hanging on the wall.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): That?  Yes, that's Grim Jr.'s finger painting.  He called it, "Portrait of a Death Foretold" the caretakers been on indefinite leave ever since the unveiling.

MRS REAPER: He's such a little scamp.  Does he get along with the other children?

MR. HENDERSON: Well, they are a little apprehensive around him.

MRS REAPER: Apprehensive?

MR. HENDERSON: Apprehensive.  Terrified, petrified, run away screaming, wet their pants.  You know how kids are.

MRS REAPER: But have you noticed anything odd about Grim's behaviour?

MR. HENDERSON: Well, he does tend to emit low, guttural moans.

MRS REAPER: Maybe it's a cry for help.

MR. HENDERSON: I don't think so.  I've heard lots of them from the other children.

MRS REAPER: You know, his dad wanted to educate him at home.

MR. HENDERSON: Great idea!  There's a lot to be said for that.

Mrs. Reaper takes Mr. Henderson aside.

MRS REAPER: The reason I ask about Grim Jr.'s behaviour is because...things haven't been so "honky dory" at home.  We seem to be drifting apart.  We just don't have anything in common any more.  I want to make new friends, he wants to kill the ones we have.  I want a puppy, he wants to...well, you get the idea.  I'm just afraid it might be affecting the boy.

MR. HENDERSON: I had no idea.  I'm sorry.

MRS REAPER: (getting emotional) He's become so distant.  We haven't had sex in three months.

MR. HENDERSON: And that bothers you?  Why is your husband pointing at me?

MRS REAPER: He thinks you're poisoning Grim Jr.'s mind.

MR. HENDERSON: Nonsense.  I have nothing to do with his mind.  I'm a teacher.

MRS REAPER: Don't you point at Mr. Henderson, Grim.  It's not his fault our marriage is in trouble.

MR. HENDERSON: Now let's not get hubby upset.  We don't want him flying off the handle.

He takes another drink.  Mrs. Reaper begins to sob.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): Hey, Reaper, your wife is pretty upset over here...

MRS REAPER: I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson, I didn't mean to lose control like this.  It's just...

MR. HENDERSON: That's alright.  Look, Reaper, can I call you Reap?  I really don't know you, and I'd just as soon keep it that way...

Mr. Henderson laughs alone.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): Boy, what a stiff...  Anyway, my point is that I've been teaching for a good many years, and I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart.  My own, for example.  And believe me, nine times out of ten the problem is a lack of communication.  Talk to your wife, Reaper.  Express your fears, your dreams.  Better yet, go away on a vacation.  I hear Mexico's due for some earthquakes.  And why not try a little image overhaul while you're at it?  Wear something with a pattern, try a Hawaiian shirt, tell the odd joke.  Lose the macho crap, learn to cry.  And another thing...I'm drunk and I'm sorry.  I don't know what came over me.

MRS REAPER: Please, Grim, listen to Mr. Henderson.  Let's take a vacation...fall in love all over again.

Mr. Reaper nods.

MRS REAPER (CONT'D): Oh Honey!  Thank-you, Mr. Henderson.

MR. HENDERSON: Not a problem.

MRS REAPER: How can we ever repay you?

MR. HENDERSON: Did I mention my ex-wife?  Another joke.  Ha ha.  Sorry I was a little rough on you there Grim, no hard feelings, huh?

Mr. Reaper extends his hand.  Henderson shakes it and falls to the ground dead.

MRS REAPER: Well, that went well.  Let's go see the gym teacher next.

They exit.       

This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com  (really!)

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Only 115 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

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