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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 1 (Rabbits!)
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Hey kids,
here’s your big chance to get to know the candidates and find out all kinds of
spunky fun factoids about where they sit, stand and flip flop on the issues...
And then, when the big day comes, you get to vote and choose your poison!
So let’s waste no more time and...
Meet the Clowns!
Paul Martin –
Liberal Party
Okay,
some might say that Paul’s nothing more than the leader of a gang of lying,
deceitful, crooks. But give him this much, he’s not so hopelessly out of touch
that he doesn’t recognize that bribing people will get him the votes he needs to
slither back into office. Ah well, better the Fibs line our pockets than those
advertising executroids in Quebec. Am I right? And his campaign slogan, “Vote
For Paul and Then Have a Long Shower” is effective. Oh sure, The Great
Martini’s claims that he had no idea about the government’s financial corruption
while he was Finance Minister do ultimately make him look like a clueless idiot,
but on the plus side, if he gets back in he still might be able to decriminalize
pot. Mr. Martini is a very savvy manipulator and during voter season this alpha
male leader not only displays aggressive tendencies but also shells out the tax
goodies and allows the less dominant members of his pack (the voters) to suckle
from his poison teat. Another sort of interesting thing about him is, um, he...
knows Bono... That’s about it. Oh, and as sophomoric as it is, I laugh every
time he says “softwood.”
Stephen
Harper – Conservative Party
Harpo and
his scary band of Conservatives (formerly known as The Reform Party, and let’s
be honest, still the Reform Party in spirit), are probably the most unsexy group
in this sorry lot. Although, and to his credit, Harpo sure has got that
“uptight, fire and brimstone-spewing fanatic” role down solid. Would oppose
everything from environmental protections to slow dancing. Photo ops are not his
friend and he should stop trying to smile: it just doesn’t come naturally (if it
all) and it makes the kids cry tears of blood. If he’d won the last election
we’d be stuck in George Bush’s war and cuddled up with his missile plan – or
worse... And I don’t care how funny Harpo’s hair is, that’s not enough of a
trade off. Harpo is always, always, always, morally outraged, which means once
he got in, he’d probably follow conservative party tradition and be corrupt and
sanctimonious. And that’s one ultimately terrifying combination – “Hey, you got
sanctimony in my corruption.” “No, you got corruption in my sanctimony.” “Wow,
this really works great together!” “I agree, let’s cheat AND pontificate!”
The fun-loving, serious-minded
nut of the group and clearly the most deluded if he thinks he can win. When you
see him you just want to say, “Oh Jack, when will you ever learn?” and then
smack him. His turn ons are: Issues that matter to everyday Canadians,
innovative solutions that make a real difference, and getting votes. Turn offs
include: Fat cats and fat chicks. Jack’s definitely not to be taken seriously
regardless of how noble he says his intentions may be. And ask yourself this,
how noble can they be when he’s sided with the Liberals, Conservatives (aka The
Reform Party) and the Bloc? That’s right! Not that noble at all! Jack would
make gay marriage mandatory for all Canadians, and speaking of which, boy, would
he get up George Bush’s tightly clenched ass. Lastly, and that’s a word Jack
should really get comfortable with, unlike the Liberals and Conservatives (aka
The Reform Party) we suspect he wouldn’t actively steal from us but would
instead just drive Canada into its largest deficit ever...
Avery Ant –
Anti Political Party
I'd
rather get naked than convince someone to vote for me, but that’s my problem,
not yours. My biggest drawback seems to be getting on the ballot.
Because I’m not a “legal citizen” this makes me ineligible. And that’s a shame
because not only would I make one Primo Minister, but I’m down with all the
issues; particularly the hot button ones. And when it comes to Governance and
Accountability – hey, at least I’m honest enough to admit that I’m totally
corrupt. When I drink, I gamble. But if elected, I “promise” here and now to
stealing no more than the cash equivalent of 0.5% of the country’s GNP on an
annual basis. And that’s a hell of a lot less than those Liberal skunks. I also
like beer – which is a truly good Canadian thing to do! My favourite type of
beer is the one just before breakfast!
*(0.5 of GNP
is an estimate and may go higher depending on scope of other miscellaneous vice
related debts)
Harpo is
first dancing monkey to cram foot in mouth...
Fresh out of the bloke, Stephen Harpo decided he’d be the first one of “Team
Reform Party” to start up with talk of reconsidering legislation permitting same
sex marriage. “Obviously, I can’t, unfortunately, put an end to the marriages we
already have, but I can try and fix it so that no one else can do it and thus
make those few who homos who are married look like even bigger aberrations and
freaks. Bweehahahah!” Harper noted while rubbing his hands together.
When asked why he wanted to bring this whole thing up and give the Liberals an
early start to portray him as a dangerous neo con on social issues, Harpo
replied, “Three reasons: One, because I am. Two, because I can’t help myself,
and three, because someone in my cabinet was going to say it sooner or later and
I wanted to be the guy who did. So there! And also, I wanted to prove to you
liberal media types that I have no hidden agenda. You hacks truly sicken me, you
know that? I’d tell you all to suck my balls and kiss my ass but that would
sound gay. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to my secret headquarters; or, as I
like to call it, ‘The Hidden Agenda Room!’”
Daily
Link-O-Ramas
Peanuts Parody: The Death of Linus
18 Tricks To Teach Your Body Thanks
Kirby
You can’t vote for me unless you’re registered. Or maybe you’d like to run your
own candidate. Hey, I’m up for the challenge...
Elections Canada
Fabulous
tunes at
the party party
In my
dreams! Watch Bush and Cheney tear each other a new one
The Texas Chainsaw President
Tony Blair isnae a numpty, he's a eejit
The Scottish Slang Dictionary
Warning Label Generator
All of
life’s answers are revealed at
Strindberg And Helium
Three cheers for
one good move
My pick
for the most hilarious thing of the year...
Ah, real life. Nothing’s funnier... Go
Granny
The Workaholic
grow-a-brain is one of the best places on the internet for great links.
Your Horoscope
Aries: You have two
options but only one choice. So what’s it going to be? The Beer Store or a crack
house?
Taurus: Your
dreams of being the world’s first jazz bagpiper still remain unfulfilled.
There’s a surprise.
Gemini: You have the ethics of a carpetbagger and the testicles of a
carpenter ant.
Cancer: From today onward you will be at harmony with the world because
you’ve decided to smash anything you don’t like.
Leo: Others may be shocked by your lack of self-control but that group of
teenagers thinks that your drunken puke-fest is totally hilarious.
Virgo: Do not listen to the harangue of gloom-mongers but instead to
optimistic words of your new pals the moonies.
Libra: Our planet is like a fast spinning merry-go-round. You sit on a
garishly painted horse, listen to canned music, see the same things over and
over again and ultimately don’t enjoy the crappy ride.
Scorpio: The sky is bestowing you with a kind of X-Ray vision. This is the
perfect opportunity to get that costume in your closet out and to fulfill your
dream and become an X-Ray superhero. And don’t worry, they’ll all be laughing
with you not at you... Yeah, with you...
Sagittarius: An encounter with ham sandwich goes terribly wrong.
Capricorn: Oh Capricorn, you’re the nuttiest.
Aquarius: See below.
Pisces: You will continue to view myopia as a visual defect in which
distant objects appear blurred because their images are focused in front of the
retina rather than on it... And you will continue to view it this way until you
can no longer see it.
The Farmer's Daughter
INT. FARM -- DAY
A farmer sits by table drinking coffee.
FARMER: I'm a farmer...a good one. It hasn't been easy for me but I've survived.
I do my best to support my family...at least I did until they started to
meddle...it's hard to get a moment's rest when your being hounded like a dog.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
Farmer's daughter hanging laundry.
DAUGHTER: My father is a good, kind man. He shouldn't lose his farm because of
interference from them...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
A Salesman standing at door.
SALESMAN: Hi...I'm a traveling salesman and my car just broke down.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I can't get any work done with them always showing up. It's uncanny the
way their cars breakdown around here. I must be on a major trade route or
something. But as much as they're a nuisance I feel it's my obligation to help
out.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: It's getting late out and I was wondering...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I let them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: He let's them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Oh that's great! I'll sleep in the barn.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I guess it all started about 10 years ago. I was 17 and a traveling
salesman showed up needing a place to spend the night. He was a Fuller Brush
man: wide tie, narrow features and a gift for the gab. Bernie, Bernie Slopak,
and I guess the romance of the explorer took me over. We talked and laughed and
went for a walk. He had a bottle of cheap whiskey in his samples case and he let
me drink it all to myself...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I swear I must have seen more then 7 thousand of them in the last 10
years.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Say, is that your daughter?
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I spent the night with him in the barn...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Now I'm a religious man but even charity has it's limits. After a while
I started charging them 20 dollars a night and for some reason they were more
then happy to pay...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: It was a beautiful experience. I made him promise he wouldn't tell
another soul about the whirlwind of passion that had transpired between us. But
pretty soon after that we had as many as three or four salesmen a day showing up
with their Fuller Brushes and cheap bottles of booze. I never minded much, in
fact I kind of liked the attention but I never slept with any of the others. But
I guess after a while it didn't matter, the whole situation had taken on mythic
proportions...that's when I started hearing the jokes...
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Salesman talking to others.
SALESMAN: And then I picked up this corn cob...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: They spend the night. Occasionally one makes a pass but it's never a
big deal. They sleep in the barn and in the morning they're back on their way
with a new chapter in the farmer's daughter legacy.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Their cars are always fine in the morning...dangest thing.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I never heard from Bernie again but I think of him a lot. I usually
imagine him blabbing to anyone who would listen and I think...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: If there were as many farmers as there are traveling salesmen the world
would be a better place.
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
SALESMAN: This woman should wear asbestos panties...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: What a little prick.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
canadian election insanity
avery the puissant
alcohol flavored lollypops
cardinals dress
complacency breeds contentment
beware hot dog salesman
joke charities
tad huntington
words that rhyme with fruity
vile balloons
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