 |
"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 4
Back From The Dead
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Ted, Sandra and Phil are seated around a table, enjoying a drink and snacking
on finger food.
TED: And then I came to. The doctor just stared at me for a while and then he
told me...for five full minutes I had been clinically dead. I came back from the
dead.
SANDRA: Cool...so what's up with you, Phil?
PHIL: I finally bought that boat I'd been looking at.
SANDRA: Alright. Good for you!
PHIL: Yeah, it's a beauty...sleeps six and...
TED: For five entire minutes...I was dead.
PHIL: Yeah five minutes, right. What's up with you Sandra?
SANDRA: I got the promotion.
PHIL: Alright...time to celebrate. Waiter, a bottle of champagne. Congrats,
Sandra.
TED: I woke up screaming...I had no idea where I was...Heaven, Hell.
SANDRA: Phil, tell Ted that joke you told me yesterday.
PHIL: Oh yeah, this is a great one. Okay, a quadruped, a biped and an amphibian
all walk into this sushi bar, and...
TED: I don't mean to interrupt, but did either of you hear me when I said I came
back from the dead last week?
PHIL: Yeah, I heard you...did you hear him Sandra?
SANDRA: Yeah, I heard him...real neat Ted. Go on Phil.
PHIL: So the quadruped says to the amphibian...
TED: I hate to interrupt again, but...
SANDRA: But what?
TED: I thought you might be interested. I mean it's not everyday that a guy
comes back from the dead.
PHIL: It's not everyday guy buys a boat either, Ted, but you don't hear me
interrupting jokes.
TED: Aren't either of you in the slightest bit interested in what it was like?
SANDRA: I don't want to be rude, Ted, but it's kind of...dull.
TED: Dull?
PHIL: Maybe I can help you out here, Ted. Let me put it in practical terms. I
mean, you came back from the dead, real cool, but I bought a boat. Now unless
I'm wrong we can't go sailing on your near death experience, we can't get a tan
on you coming back from the dead...now on my boat however we can do both, and
naked too.
TED: You cannot equate death with a sailboat.
PHIL: That's my point exactly.
SANDRA: Don't take it so seriously Ted...come on, you have lots of other
interesting stories. Oh, tell us about the time you accidentally took the wrong
kids home from the park.
TED: I can't believe this. Do you realize that since the beginning of time,
humanity has wondered what the afterlife holds...I was there...I know.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I see your point; now try and see mine. Here's a little
scenario...you and I are both at a singles bar when we see Sandra. We fix our
hair, strut over to her, look her deep in the eyes and...Sandra, which is a
better line? "I have a boat?" Or "I came back from the dead?"
SANDRA: Boat...by a mile...or a league, I guess...ha ha!
PHIL: Case closed...lose the death thing.
TED: I will not lose the death thing!
SANDRA: Well obviously you are not going to be happy until you've told us all
about it...so go ahead...how was death?
TED: Well...
PHIL: Before you start...is this a long story? 'Cause I gotta twist a kidney.
TED: Just hear me out! I saw a white light and heard voices. I was sorta calm
yet sort of apprehensive.
SANDRA: Could you be more specific, Ted?
PHIL: Really, I mean let's get some details. For example, my boat is twenty
seven feet long, my boat is candy apple red...
TED: Forget about your goddamned boat. I came back from the dead!
SANDRA: So you keep saying, Ted, but you really don't have any amusing anecdotes
to round it out; there's no humour in it and we all know how it ends.
TED: Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I have to put my foot down...you traipse in here and just
expect the two of us to put our lives on hold while you ramble on about your big
deal near death experience. Well maybe we have important things in our lives
too.
SANDRA: And, anyway, it's not like you really died.
PHIL: Maybe you should just apologize and we could forget the whole stupid
thing.
TED: I will not apologize.
SANDRA: Fine.
PHIL: Fine.
TED: Fine.
A moments silence. Ted reconsiders.
TED: Well, they looked like my kids and I was in a hurry, so I just grabbed them
and put them in the car...
SANDRA: I love this part...
 The
Goods On Goodie Bag
One of my favourite
short films of this year went by the name of
Yo! Gah! It's written and directed by the totally talented Kirby Ferguson.
In just over three minutes, Kirby delivers a kick-yoga-ass, 3-Act-Comedy about
what happens when the extreme meets the serene. Yo! Gah! is packed full of Zen,
laughs and spiritual chaos.
From its funny visual
gags to its hilarious script, right down through to a truly priceless comic performance by Derek Forgie,
it's all rather inspired. I just watched it again and it still makes me howl.
Yo! Gah! was, of course, written and directed by Kirby of
goodie bag tv.
While recently visiting Kirby’s
blog, I noticed that he had started doing interviews with people whose work
he admired. I thought this was a nifty idea. So I stole it. And now, applying
“delicious irony” (or a reasonable facsimile of) I have turned the tables on
him...
So Kirby, can you tell
me a little about the history of Goodie Bag TV?
I started Goodie Bag TV as a group called Kirblooey back in 2002. Back then we
were five people: Anna Huh, Robert Bodrog, and Rod and Laura Weatherbie (who've
since gone on to start an e-zine called
Gadzooks). Pascal Boisvert joined later and Rod, Laura and Robert moved on.
We met Derek Forgie through an open casting call and we soon became Goodie Bag
TV. The original intent was that our group was Kirblooey and Goodie Bag TV was a
project, but the name Kirblooey has since been phased out.
It was always primarily my project, but in the past year Goodie Bag TV has
become entirely my thing. Almost everything that appears on the site is now
created by me.
Kirby, circa 2005
You’re a very
funny guy. What’s your background in comedy? Did you study film or does all
this talent just come naturally?
You're really too kind, Avery. I'm self-taught at everything I do. I have no
background at all in comedy, really. I don't think there's any way to learn to
be funny. You can get better with practice, but you either have it or you don't.
I've done plenty of reading about filmmaking, but I have no training. I'm a
professional graphic designer, so I have a good eye and I'm good with software.
None of this comes naturally, though. Its all required a lot of work.
What’s up next for you?
I'm not really sure. Less broad comedy, more eclectic material, more stuff that
pushes the envelope. I'm hoping my interests will re-combine into something more
personal and singular than Goodie Bag TV's current form. Right now the site is
just comedy videos and while they might have a distinct tone, I don't think
that's terribly exciting. I want to do something with more serious ambitions,
but comedy will still be a big part of it.
What's the best thing that's happened for you with Goodie Bag?
That's a toss-up. It's either the way it's changed me as a person or the people
I've met.
Being a director was not at all within my comfort zone when I started. It was
enormously stressful for me. I repeatedly got ill at first and it took me a
couple years to realize the stress of shooting was battering my immune system.
I've learned a lot about where that anxiety came from and I'm a much stronger
person now.
Perhaps just as importantly, I've met many of my friends through Goodie Bag TV
and I can't imagine that they'd be in my life otherwise.
Is there a downside to any of this?
Oh for sure. It takes up massive amounts of my time. I think a big part of
so-called talent is just saying, "I will do this above all else." Aside from my
health, everything in my life is secondary to my work. It's a hell of a
trade-off, really. There's a lot of sitting around, a lot of solitude, a lot of
obsessing. The shoots are amazing fun, but otherwise I sit in front of this
computer a lot.
What advice do you have for young DIY filmmakers?
Well, the first thing that any DIY filmmaker does will suck. You might not think
so at the time, but in retrospect you'll see that it was crap. Actually, there's
a very good chance the footage won't even be usable -- that's what happened to
me. So if you want to be good at it, don't give up. Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
The First of Many Pointless Political Surveys...
Canadian voters like Stephen Harpo’s message. It’s the man himself they find
conniving, homophobic, vile, creepy, smarmy, fanatical, and stuff like that
there.
A new
survey shows that the Reform Party Neo Cons appear to have struck a chord with
voters fed up with the current batch of arrogant criminals running the country.
But those same voters aren’t digging the idea of Harpo stepping in as Canada’s
next Primo Ministerial Tyrant.
"Basically, the population still thinks that he’s a skulking Iago that can’t be
trusted,” said some guy who conducted the poll and who also admitted a fondness
for peppering his statements with Shakespearian allusions.
Yes, once again, Paul Martini's winning strategy is that he’s not Stephen Harpo.
Some other of the survey’s findings:
-66% believed that Harpo’s mock turtle neck sweaters made him look “More like
a narc than a beat poet”
-44% said that Martini's message that only the Liberals can ensure the "right
kind of economic management to keep the economy strong" was a rather louche
statement. You know, considering all the stealing...
-the 2% who noticed, thought the NDP message, “Notice me, I’m over here!” was
pretty forgettable
-59% say they would like to see the words “None of the above” on the ballot
-76% of Quebeckers would happily share a cigarette with Bloc Québécois Leader
Gilles “Crazy Legs” Duceppe, but more importantly would also... Oh, who cares?
-83% admitted that while the antipathy toward Harpo isn’t based on stuff like 'I
don't like his haircut,' they all still don’t like his haircut
Hey kids,
here’s your big chance to get to know the candidates and find out all kinds of
spunky fun factoids about where they sit, stand and flip flop on the issues...
And then, when the big day comes, you get to vote and choose your poison!
So let’s waste no more time and...
Meet the Clowns!
Paul Martin –
Liberal Party
Okay,
some might say that Paul’s nothing more than the leader of a gang of lying,
deceitful, crooks. But give him this much, he’s not so hopelessly out of touch
that he doesn’t recognize that bribing people will get him the votes he needs to
slither back into office. Ah well, better the Fibs line our pockets than those
advertising executroids in Quebec. Am I right? And his campaign slogan, “Vote
For Paul and Then Have a Long Shower” is effective. Oh sure, The Great
Martini’s claims that he had no idea about the government’s financial corruption
while he was Finance Minister do ultimately make him look like a clueless idiot,
but on the plus side, if he gets back in he still might be able to decriminalize
pot. Mr. Martini is a very savvy manipulator and during voter season this alpha
male leader not only displays aggressive tendencies but also shells out the tax
goodies and allows the less dominant members of his pack (the voters) to suckle
from his poison teat. Another sort of interesting thing about him is, um, he...
knows Bono... That’s about it. Oh, and as sophomoric as it is, I laugh every
time he says “softwood.”
Stephen
Harper – Conservative Party
Harpo and
his scary band of Conservatives (formerly known as The Reform Party, and let’s
be honest, still the Reform Party in spirit), are probably the most unsexy group
in this sorry lot. Although, and to his credit, Harpo sure has got that
“uptight, fire and brimstone-spewing fanatic” role down solid. Would oppose
everything from environmental protections to slow dancing. Photo ops are not his
friend and he should stop trying to smile: it just doesn’t come naturally (if it
all) and it makes the kids cry tears of blood. If he’d won the last election
we’d be stuck in George Bush’s war and cuddled up with his missile plan – or
worse... And I don’t care how funny Harpo’s hair is, that’s not enough of a
trade off. Harpo is always, always, always, morally outraged, which means once
he got in, he’d probably follow conservative party tradition and be corrupt and
sanctimonious. And that’s one ultimately terrifying combination – “Hey, you got
sanctimony in my corruption.” “No, you got corruption in my sanctimony.” “Wow,
this really works great together!” “I agree, let’s cheat AND pontificate!”
The fun-loving, serious-minded
nut of the group and clearly the most deluded if he thinks he can win. When you
see him you just want to say, “Oh Jack, when will you ever learn?” and then
smack him. His turn ons are: Issues that matter to everyday Canadians,
innovative solutions that make a real difference, and getting votes. Turn offs
include: Fat cats and fat chicks. Jack’s definitely not to be taken seriously
regardless of how noble he says his intentions may be. And ask yourself this,
how noble can they be when he’s sided with the Liberals, Conservatives (aka The
Reform Party) and the Bloc? That’s right! Not that noble at all! Jack would
make gay marriage mandatory for all Canadians, and speaking of which, boy, would
he get up George Bush’s tightly clenched ass. Lastly, and that’s a word Jack
should really get comfortable with, unlike the Liberals and Conservatives (aka
The Reform Party) we suspect he wouldn’t actively steal from us but would
instead just drive Canada into its largest deficit ever...
Avery Ant –
Anti Political Party
I'd
rather get naked than convince someone to vote for me, but that’s my problem,
not yours. My biggest drawback seems to be getting on the ballot.
Because I’m not a “legal citizen” this makes me ineligible. And that’s a shame
because not only would I make one Primo Minister, but I’m down with all the
issues; particularly the hot button ones. And when it comes to Governance and
Accountability – hey, at least I’m honest enough to admit that I’m totally
corrupt. When I drink, I gamble. But if elected, I “promise” here and now to
stealing no more than the cash equivalent of 0.5% of the country’s GNP on an
annual basis. And that’s a hell of a lot less than those Liberal skunks. I also
like beer – which is a truly good Canadian thing to do! My favourite type of
beer is the one just before breakfast!
*(0.5 of GNP
is an estimate and may go higher depending on scope of other miscellaneous vice
related debts)
Daily
Link-O-Ramas (A Baker's Dozen)
Everybody!
Family Guy FCC Song
That’s a
lot of pharmaceuticals!
90 Second Pharmaceutical Song
Just don’t make a
honeymoon video...
Marry Your Pet
 One of the
TV shows that my head lackey is currently writing for started off as a web
project:
Pucca
Would you
buy a car from
Wallace N’ Gromit?
There are some who might say James Joyce was a half blind, acerbic scribbler of
idiocies and that the academic world was simply misguided when it came to their
crediting him with changing the structure and course of the novel... Anyway, for
those who suffered in vain yet still couldn't finish it, why not try,
Ulysses For Dummies Now with 100% more pictures!
You’ll laugh – he’ll fall...
Falling Dude
Cowation
The process
by which a person becomes a cow for no good reason...
The Bad Joke Generator
Autogenerates even worse jokes
than I can come up with – and that’s saying something... I typed in: avery
ant, pismire, insect, rant. Here’s the classic comedy it came up with. Pure
gold, I tells ya:
What's avery ant's
favourite book?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Pismire
What's avery ant's favourite song?
Light My Pismire
Who is avery ant's favourite poet?
Rante
Gabriel Rossetti
Lousy Comic Strips Made Better
Peanuts Parody: The Death of Linus
18 Tricks To Teach Your Body Thanks to Kirby
You can’t vote for me unless you’re registered. Or maybe you’d like to run your
own candidate. Hey, I’m up for the challenge...
Elections Canada
Your Horoscope
Aries:
Travel plans are all fine and dandy for those with money – but that’s not you.
This winter’s holiday excursion into the wild blue yonder will likely be a week
drinking malt liquor in your bathtub. Enjoy!
Taurus:
Try not to take the
worries of the world on your shoulders today. After all, what can you do?
Remember, you’re just a meaningless and insignificant cog.
Gemini: You are in search of a new nemesis and are seriously considering
egg salad.
Cancer: You
may not want to focus on your cash woes so focus instead on your complete lack
of fashion sense.
Leo: The Sun’s move into
Cancer marks the start of the one of the most important times of the year for
you. So wash that canned ham that call you a face and start making those obscene
phone calls.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: See below.
Scorpio: It’s
not often you want to cower and hide from the world – usually it’s just from
your family.
Sagittarius:
You don’t need to change your life radically – just substantially.
Capricorn:
Make plenty of hasty decisions today and spend tomorrow regretting them.
Aquarius: As
much as you like to divide your life into neat little packages, chopping off
your fingers and compartmentalizing them was still a misguided plan.
Pisces:
You will continue to view warts as
hard rough lumps growing on
the skin.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
what is cultural regurgitation?
boris badenoff
vampire cookbook
election insanity
ant rants sex
the french tickler gaul
why does santa wear white?
ant sperm
an absent mind is the burden of a genius
how do i get my
dog a boner to hump me?
Only 21
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
|
Send
this site to your friend! |
 |
