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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 9
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Mr. Harper said he believes the strategy in the campaign for the
Jan. 23 election has gone well so far -- although he has not gained in the
polls.
Globe & Mail
Bored
Voters Want More: “Promise Us The Moon!” Part the 3rd
”Yeah, tax breaks
are all fine and dandy, but I want more,” states Rex, a retired florist.
”Listen, a GST cut isn’t enough – I want more!” echoes Sheila, a corporate
lawyer. ”They need to offer us more, naaggahagah! Now put this tinfoil in your
ears – and that’s an order!” opines Hap, a homeless, crazy guy.
The people have spoken.
It’s always a laugh riot to see politicians promising us stuff they have no
intention of delivering. Cold fish Harpo has a daily grab bag of treats,
scoundrel Martini seems more than happy to start sharing our money with us,
hapless Layton would spend like a drunken sailor and arrogant Duceppe... Well,
for the most part, I can’t understand a word he’s saying.
But what about the moon? Why can’t they offer us that? So far I’ve had Harpo and
The Great Martini promise it to me. Will Jack "Sound Blight" Layton? Ha!
Is the Pope German?
Jack: (answers phone) Yello!
Avery: (Sighs) Jack, it’s Avery.
Jack: Oh. What do you want?
Avery: What? No, “How are you, buddy?” or “Hey, great to hear your voice, pal,”?
Jack: Look, I’m a busy man...
Avery: Ha! Sure you are. Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Hey, sorry to
hear about Buzz and all that Union...
Jack: I’m hanging up.
Avery: No you’re not. If you were going to hang up, you’d just do it, not
threaten to. Jeesh, you politicians. You’re all talk.
Jack: Okay, look I’ll accept a donation, but I won’t put up with you cramming
the truth down my throat.
Avery: I’ve got something better than a donation Jackie. I’m going to give you
my vote.
Jack: Really? Aw, that’s swell. I appreciate it. Say, it’s really great to hear
your voice. How are you anyway, pal?
Avery: BUT, before I do, I need you to promise me something.
Jack: What? Health care that pays you? More social programs? Better
environmental protection?
Avery: No! I don’t care about that stuff. What I want you to do is promise me
the moon.
Jack: That’s it? Sure.
Canadians want a
quality, reliable moon for everyone — not just those who can afford to buy it.
That's why the NDP will make sure you get your own moon, Avery. A sustainable,
eco-friendly, moon. Because after 12 years of Liberal government, Canadian
citizens like you still don’t have the moon. Avery, I say we invest to build
the country we want — and balance the books every year doing it and make sure
you have the moon... There. So do I have your vote (sound
of dial tone)? Avery? Hello?
Meet the Clowns!
Daily
Link-O-Ramas (A Baker's Dozen)
When Things Just Fall In Your Lap
You’ve
come a long way baby! A rather amusing
1950’s Folgers Coffee Ad Check out Jane – she looks like Laura Bush! Oh,
and her husband Harold is a real catch...
Thinking of
joining
The French Foreign Legion Well, here’s everything you’ll need to
know. Including the lyrics to those catchy songs they sing:
Well there’s sausage, there’s sausage, there’s sausage
For the Alsatians, the Swiss and the Lorrainers;
There’s none left for the Belgians, there’s none left for the Belgians, they are
malingerers
Proving
you don’t need big bucks (or a cameraman) to make a fantastic video:
Million Ways To Be Cruel
Too priceless!
The Passion of the Benny Hill Found, of course, at one of my favourite
places to visit...
Blogywood
Gay Boyfriend
“They
got hooked on a non-stop merry-go-round...”
Beyond The Valley of the Dolls
Ah yes,
Fainting Humans People drop (mostly grooms at weddings) and we all howl!
And in a much more cute and yet comically tragic vein of fainting, there’s the
Fainting Goats
Everybody!
Family Guy FCC Song
That’s a
lot of pharmaceuticals!
90 Second Pharmaceutical Song
 One of the
TV shows that my head lackey is currently writing for started off as a web
project:
Pucca
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You have the
fortitude of a he-man and the underwear of a cross-dresser.
Taurus:
You can choose to follow the herd or you can choose to lead the herd, either way
it goes you’ll wind up with a bad case of ticks and lice.
Gemini: Hey,
it could be worse, you could be a Sagittarius.
Cancer:
Others can follow the rules slavishly if they want but you follow them like an
automaton.
Leo:
Something will happen to you today but it will not be in the form of money or
material things. Probably something involving a sandwich. That’s it; today you
will eat a sandwich.
Virgo: Your underwear continues to bunch.
Libra: If
there ever there was a right time for you, we’d all like to know about it.
Scorpio:
You continue to view chicken pox as
an acutely contagious disease that is
caused by the varicella-zoster virus and characterized by skin eruptions, slight
fever, and malaise... And for once you’re right.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn:
You will continue to view balloons as
flexible bags designed to be inflated
with hot air or with a gas, causing them to rise and float in the atmosphere.
Oh, and a clown is destined to scare you today.
Aquarius: As
we try and wrestle with the complexities of life and the apparent obstacles it
puts before us, we... Wait a sec, what’s with this “we?” You’re on your own,
pal.
Pisces:
You have the spleen
of a duck and the presidential skills of a lame duck.
Back From The Dead
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Ted, Sandra and Phil are seated around a table, enjoying a drink and snacking
on finger food.
TED: And then I came to. The doctor just stared at me for a while and then he
told me...for five full minutes I had been clinically dead. I came back from the
dead.
SANDRA: Cool...so what's up with you, Phil?
PHIL: I finally bought that boat I'd been looking at.
SANDRA: Alright. Good for you!
PHIL: Yeah, it's a beauty...sleeps six and...
TED: For five entire minutes...I was dead.
PHIL: Yeah five minutes, right. What's up with you Sandra?
SANDRA: I got the promotion.
PHIL: Alright...time to celebrate. Waiter, a bottle of champagne. Congrats,
Sandra.
TED: I woke up screaming...I had no idea where I was...Heaven, Hell.
SANDRA: Phil, tell Ted that joke you told me yesterday.
PHIL: Oh yeah, this is a great one. Okay, a quadruped, a biped and an amphibian
all walk into this sushi bar, and...
TED: I don't mean to interrupt, but did either of you hear me when I said I came
back from the dead last week?
PHIL: Yeah, I heard you...did you hear him Sandra?
SANDRA: Yeah, I heard him...real neat Ted. Go on Phil.
PHIL: So the quadruped says to the amphibian...
TED: I hate to interrupt again, but...
SANDRA: But what?
TED: I thought you might be interested. I mean it's not everyday that a guy
comes back from the dead.
PHIL: It's not everyday guy buys a boat either, Ted, but you don't hear me
interrupting jokes.
TED: Aren't either of you in the slightest bit interested in what it was like?
SANDRA: I don't want to be rude, Ted, but it's kind of...dull.
TED: Dull?
PHIL: Maybe I can help you out here, Ted. Let me put it in practical terms. I
mean, you came back from the dead, real cool, but I bought a boat. Now unless
I'm wrong we can't go sailing on your near death experience, we can't get a tan
on you coming back from the dead...now on my boat however we can do both, and
naked too.
TED: You cannot equate death with a sailboat.
PHIL: That's my point exactly.
SANDRA: Don't take it so seriously Ted...come on, you have lots of other
interesting stories. Oh, tell us about the time you accidentally took the wrong
kids home from the park.
TED: I can't believe this. Do you realize that since the beginning of time,
humanity has wondered what the afterlife holds...I was there...I know.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I see your point; now try and see mine. Here's a little
scenario...you and I are both at a singles bar when we see Sandra. We fix our
hair, strut over to her, look her deep in the eyes and...Sandra, which is a
better line? "I have a boat?" Or "I came back from the dead?"
SANDRA: Boat...by a mile...or a league, I guess...ha ha!
PHIL: Case closed...lose the death thing.
TED: I will not lose the death thing!
SANDRA: Well obviously you are not going to be happy until you've told us all
about it...so go ahead...how was death?
TED: Well...
PHIL: Before you start...is this a long story? 'Cause I gotta twist a kidney.
TED: Just hear me out! I saw a white light and heard voices. I was sorta calm
yet sort of apprehensive.
SANDRA: Could you be more specific, Ted?
PHIL: Really, I mean let's get some details. For example, my boat is twenty
seven feet long, my boat is candy apple red...
TED: Forget about your goddamned boat. I came back from the dead!
SANDRA: So you keep saying, Ted, but you really don't have any amusing anecdotes
to round it out; there's no humour in it and we all know how it ends.
TED: Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I have to put my foot down...you traipse in here and just
expect the two of us to put our lives on hold while you ramble on about your big
deal near death experience. Well maybe we have important things in our lives
too.
SANDRA: And, anyway, it's not like you really died.
PHIL: Maybe you should just apologize and we could forget the whole stupid
thing.
TED: I will not apologize.
SANDRA: Fine.
PHIL: Fine.
TED: Fine.
A moments silence. Ted reconsiders.
TED: Well, they looked like my kids and I was in a hurry, so I just grabbed them
and put them in the car...
SANDRA: I love this part...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
what is cultural regurgitation?
boris badenoff
vampire cookbook
election insanity
ant rants sex
the french tickler gaul
why does santa wear white?
ant sperm
an absent mind is the burden of a genius
how do i get my
dog a boner to hump me?
Only 16
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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