"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 26
A Little Something about Nothing
“Nothing,” Henry told his dinner date just before the bill arrived, “is nothing
more than a noun. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Nothing doesn’t mean
anything, it’s not about anything, it’s the ultimate in nonexistence. You know
what that means?”
Henry’s tired date suspected she did but said nothing. She’d figured this was
another one of his questions that he and he alone would answer.
“Nothing.” Henry confirmed. “Since it doesn’t exist, there’s really nothing that
can be said.” He half raised his wine glass. “But I ramble on about nothing...”
His dinner date gave him a smile that turned into a yawn. She sipped on the
Chardonnay that she felt lacked “something.”
With nothing else to say she jokingly told Henry that the truth was the only
thing she knew about nothing was that they had nothing in common.
Henry stirred… Here, right in front of him, with her elbow slumped over her
half eaten plate of Curried Chicken was maybe a soul mate; letting him know that
they had connected. That they had, “nothing” in common.
“Our having nothing in common immediately joins us together in a shared belief,”
he wheezed. “Our belief in nothing… Isn’t that something?”
She said nothing. Henry felt somewhat encouraged.
“I’ve always wondered,” he said, “if we, that is, you and I, engage in something
that isn’t about nothing, are we doing something about nothing?”
Fifteen minutes later he drove her home.
As Henry courteously dropped her off he knew not to ask if she wanted to see him
again.
He looked up at the moon and the stars, laughing down at him and he laughed
back. And that was something.
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
So here’s where we are
at the break…
Harpo's policy-heavy
election campaign is failing to gain “traction” (traction is the word
these days) with voters, Martini’s Liberals are doing marginally better because
they’re staying out of everyone’s face. No one knows where the Hell Jack “Sound
Blight” Layton is, but it’s suspected that if you can find that Waldo kid,
you’ll find Jack, and Bloc Head Duceppe… Well, who cares about him?
This is all according to a survey I just slapped together. Some of my other
dubious findings include:
23% believe that Harpo is a robot
56% know Harpo is a robot
My poll also found that more Canadians believe the country is going to the dogs
as opposed to the crapper.
But it’s the kids of
today and their thoughts on all of this that I found most interesting. My survey
revealed that today’s
brats are internet savvy but dangerously stupid. The report, which I titled,
“Thank God I’ll Be Dead By The Time They Get Into Power” is definitely
disturbing. Among its findings are:
89% of all Canuck kids believe that E=MC2 is an American rap star.
52% think constitutional reform means eating right.
79% are under the impression that the Liberal Party is a high school bash where
the parents serve beer.
33% believe Nuclear Missiles is a condom brand name.
12% think existentialism is a type of gymnastics.
Nearly 95% believe they live in America
A staggering 86% think Bill O’Reilly is smarter than they are.
90% of these raging intellectual hosers also said that they experience
blackouts, usually at night, usually just after they lie down in bed and turn
off their lights, and usually lasting 7 – 9 hours.
And while this wave of youthful ignorance is unsettling, we can at least take
comfort that they got one thing right. All 100% of the kids surveyed believe
that Condoleezza Rice has a bigger penis than George Bush
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
carl rove
sinister sex symbol
fine flemish greeting
down a dark chimney
joke slingers
bush is a robot
cartoon groin kick
slogan and smoke
avery lice
ant politician
anti tom cruise
Only
363
Shopping Day Left Until Xmas!
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