"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 30
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Good Ol’ Goodale
Prime Minister
Paul Martini says he stands behind his finance minister, who will not resign
despite an RCMP probe.
Calling
Ralph Goodale a good and honest man who can take a good and honest probing,
Martini said that Goodale will remain in charge of the country's
good and honest finances. "He is a person of the greatest integrity. Probe away on him. He will
not be stepping down… Unless the probing involves some kind of alien probing
that no longer allows him to be able to physically step down. If that’s the
case then okay, ‘literally’ he won’t be able to step down. But metaphorically
he still won’t step down… If you know what I mean. Look, technically, I’m
still on holidays, okay? So, don’t quote me on any of this,” the Great Martini
said.
In the Holiday Spirit of "Fat Jokes by Lazy Comedy Writers..."
Oh oh…
Looks like my concerns about Harpo’s blossoming new rolls of blubber (scroll
down a bit) were legitimate. Somebody get this chunky monkey to a gym!
Green
Party from Mars
That Party from Mars aka "The Green Party" have managed to get into the
news and once again it’s thanks to their moral indignation. The Greeners are
demanding retractions from a former member of its governing council and a former
national organizer who have alleged that Leader Jim Harris and other officials
are SUV loving hypocrites who frequently toss out printer cartridges with their
regular garbage and who don’t know the difference between a blue box and a green
box.
And it’s an apology the Party from Mars actually deserves.
Over a year ago Mr. Harris starred in a TV Commercial (written by yours truly)
explaining to neophyte green bin Torontonians how to make sense of the many
complexities of multi-recycling.
Here’s a transcript of this minor work of art:
EXT. FRONT OF
JIM’S HOUSE -- DAY
Jim Harris enters screen carrying a bag of garbage.
Jim: Toronto is finally entering the enlightened age of -- the
green bin. And folks, our recycling lives just got a lot more complicated.
EXT. STREET -- DAY
Average recycling guy Jim Harris is walking his green bin -- and his cat!
Jim: So now we have
blue, grey and green. They’re 3 colours that, interestingly enough, no
country in the world has ever used together for their flag. Our new green bin
has the structural design of a step-on garbage can without the convenience of
the foot pedal. And before we store it in a convenient location – you know,
crammed somewhere in that mountain of recycling bins growing in the garage –
we’re asked to wash it with soap and water. Hey, I’m enjoying it already!
INT. JIM’S BATHROOM – DAY
Jim Harris is having a bath and washing his green bin.
Jim: The Green Bin
also comes with a handy-dandy sheet telling you what you can and can’t recycle.
Just so you know, it’s a big YES on your pet’s waste, and a NO to your pet’s fur
-- I always get those two confused... It’s a NO on dryer lint and a resounding
YES on soiled paper towels. A YES on meat, but NO on meat tray liners. Once
that's straightened out, you can just sit back and wait for the raccoons to show
up!
EXT. JIM'S BACK YARD -- DAY
Jim Harris stands proudly in front of his many recycling bins.
Jim: It’s just what we need: To spend more quality time separating our organics.
And if we get too good at it and wind up with overflow green bin material, we’re
advised to put it in a see-through plastic bag beside our bin. Or we can BUY a
second green bin for our growing composting habit. Ah yes, the first one’s
always free, isn’t it?
EXT. JIM’S FRONT PORCH -- DAY
Jim Harris smokes a pipe on his front porch. .
Jim:
According to the green bin literature, you should start separating your
organics and placing them in your green bin the week before. I guess that’s
a better plan than waiting until the last minute and then rummaging through your
garbage bags for coffee grounds and egg shells. Sure, it’s all a little
confusing, but the bin collection
doesn’t start until the week of October 18. Which gives me plenty of time to
really get to know my garbage.
Stephen Harpo's Weight
Conservative Leader Stephen Harpo says his party would enact a veterans' bill
of rights if voted into government. But more importantly – don’t you think he’s
looking kind of fat these days?
Is Harpo's wait to
get into Sussex Drive affecting his weight?
When I saw him on the news I thought he was looking chunky. Even more chunky
than as of late. Folks... I don't think this is Xmas fat.
The truth is he's been packing on the pounds for a while now.
This image, which I like to call, "Get It Off Me!" is from
My December 6 Journal Note the burgeoning rotundity that I fear may be
connected to some kind of greater psychological "hunger." Pretty fat, huh?
Could he be pregnant? At this point it's all speculation. One thing is for
certain: I'll be keeping my eye on his waistline.
Sure, it ain't pretty. But someone's gotta do it.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
carl rove
sinister sex symbol
fine flemish greeting
down a dark chimney
joke slingers
bush is a robot
cartoon groin kick
slogan and smoke
avery lice
ant politician
anti tom cruise
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 359
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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