"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 3
The
12 Strange
Faces of Jesus
”One thing I’ll say for him, Jesus is cool”
Caiaphas, Jesus
Christ Superstar
Jesus,
he’s a popular guy. Well, not so
much during his life. Let’s face
it, popular people get nailed – but never to a cross… Anyway,
my point is that a lot of people like to draw Jesus:
From the great artists of the Renaissance to artless schleps with more
faith than talent. But one thing
is for certain, everyone out there has their own unique depiction of the
man… And yes, he was a man!
The
Well Hung Jesus
When I say “well hung” I’m not referring to how well he’s fastened
from above with no support from below and the overall position of his
crucifixion. Nope, I’m talking about his package. And our friend here is,
er, packing one… This begs the
theory that Jesus was 86’d not because of his religious preaching but
because Roman men don’t like a guy with a big penis.
Hey, we’re learning stuff here!
Jesus
With Superpowers
With his ethereal glowing head, his right hand getting ready to give us the
“AOK” sign and his left quite firmly attached to his nipple and feeling
himself up; what really strikes me about this particular Jesus is the
Superpower quality that’s going on here.
Obviously this dude can shoot some kind of freaky, two-sided, red and
white power ray from his divine nipples. What
it’s good for is anyone’s guess. One thing’s for certain, it can’t
fight off a hammer and nails.
As for the milk maid with the halo who looks likes like a mountain ready to be
climbed… Well, at first I thought it was his woman, Mary, but she was such a
slut – sorry, whore, that there’s no way that she deserves the big
multi-starred halo over her head. So now I’m convinced it must be the son of
God’s mom. Which makes God a woman: And a rather doable one at that!
You heard it here first.
Bloody Jesus
”I
don’t care if it rains or freezes/
As long as I got my Bloody Jesus.”
Jesus
as a Plotting and Nagging Noble Man
This Jesus looks
like he wears a codpiece and says things like “Prithee, mine rapturous eyes
are agog.” (Or some stupid
crap like that.) That little jar just below his cross is, no doubt, loaded
with Deadly Nightshade and he likely has plans to murder the king (God) and
bed his virgin daughter (Betsy). Yes, he’s always plotting, plotting,
plotting – and all the while with the finger – nagging, nagging,
nagging… Not to imply that
religion is a self serving, conniver that only looks out for itself.
That’s a given.
Jesus
The Goat, um, er, “Herder”
"Insert"
temptation joke here.
The
Gay and Mincing Jesus
I’m not sure
if this is supposed to depict Jesus on the cross or just enjoying a pleasant
nap. I hope it’s not the cross, because he looks like he’s really content
and happy. Like he’s loving it! Hmmm,
was Jesus an S&M fan? Was he
crying out, “Oh, you bad boys! Whip me, beat me, nail me some more and stick
that Sword of Destiny in!” One
thing none of us can dispute: This Jesus looks soooo gay! Now
I may not know a lot about history but I’m pretty sure they didn’t have
homosexuals back then.
The
Dancing Jesus
Judging by his
moves, I suspect this spaced out Jesus was wasted and dancing to some rocking
lyres and dulcimers. That pelvis
thrust and arms thrown back thing he’s doing is a move he’d bust again
later – for the long haul on the cross.
Originally known as, “Doing the Froog!” this Jesus dance craze
would eventually be called “The Crucifixion.” (Known as “The
Crucifiction” among nonbelievers.)
Jesus
That Makes Us Say, “What the Hell?”
I don’t trust
this Jesus and I certainly wouldn’t leave my kids with him. This Jesus must
die! He reminds me of the guy you
went to high school with and see years later and think, “Christ, what the
hell happened to him?” And then,
“Thank God, it wasn’t me.” Which
I suppose makes this very effective and thought provoking art.
I just wish all those children positioned around his groin weren’t so
happy about it. Still, great art
is meant to challenge, yes?
The
Court
Room Jesus
The Court Room Jesus (right) with his lawyer (left). Like
all good terrorizing religious figures, he knows that sometimes getting into
heaven means acquiring the best legal team money can provide.
The
Annoying Jesus
Don’t you just hate this Jesus?
Don't you just want to smack him? And
do it with that cross he’s holding! This
is actually an incredible piece of art, in that it instills such intense
feelings of annoyance. From the
soft, “make out” lighting, to those girly hands, to the way he makes
holding the cross seem so uneventful, to the pink robe, (pink!) to those dead,
puppy dog eyes; this Father, Son and Holy Ghost is the boy bands of Christian
prophets. The only thing that
makes this Christ barely tolerable is knowing what’s about to happen to him.
The
Jesus Gangsta
This Prison
Jesus doesn’t have the tattoos but holy shit is he bad!
The background artwork that looks like it belongs on a cell wall is a
divine touch. Truly inspired.
Pray to him, motherfucker, or he’ll stigmata your sorry ass.
The
You Are
Jesus (aka:
The Jesus Complex)
Because we all feel persecuted once in a while.
Okay! I'm outta here!
I'm off for what I
humbly feel is a well deserved rest. Back around the 14th of July!
See ya then.
June 30
Operation
Summer Rain
“Israel’s
attack, called Operation Summer Rain, began early yesterday when fighter jets
bombed three bridges connecting Gaza City…”
The Globe & Mail
No lie: I have a deodorant named “Summer Rain.”
It’s meant to imply (or so I believe) the fresh, clean, newborn smell
that the earth takes on after a nice cooling shower.
Now it’s named after a downpour of bombs.
Ah well. If the Israeli
government (or anyone else for that matter) is looking for new operation
names, this is their lucky day because I’m just back from the drugstore and
have a list of other catchy deodorant-based operation names they might want to
consider:
Operation
Cool Wave –
After a nice cool wave of destruction.
Operation
Maximum Endurance
– For the operation that keeps on killing…
Operation Classic Spice – A
classic. And spicy!
Operation Ultra Clear – Just so
there’s no confusion,
Israel
wants to make it clear they will be bombing you.
Operation
Wild Rain – A
variation on “Summer Rain” only way more (obviously) wild!
Millions, not thousands, die.
Operation Xtreme Antiperspirant – It’s
totally extreme! Sorry, I mean “xtreme!”
Operation Surf – For like, when
you’re getting attacked by the army, dude!
Operation
Breeze – Like
a gentle wave of artillery. Also, it implies that wiping you out will be
really easy. In fact, you might say, “no sweat.”
Operation
Frost – Translation:
Killing people makes you cool.
Operation
Pacific Light – Pacific
means “peaceful.” Obviously,
this is the ironically named operation.
Operation
Blue Gel – A
variation on “Agent Orange” only deadlier – and blue.
Operation
Arctic
Peak
– In case
those blubber eating Eskimos give us any problems.
June 29
Toys
In The Attic
Hey kids – and
I call you kids because today’s journal is all about toys… Freaky toys,
strange toys, lead-filled toys, toys you shouldn’t put in your mouth and
other really, really, messed up toys… These
fun little objects of amusement for kids to play with probably screwed up many
a shaky little tot… At the very least they say oodles about the demented
parents who bought them. Nothing
says “I love you and therefore I must traumatize you!” like these
disturbing trinkets of mom and dad’s affection…
The Strangler
This little wizard did
everything mom and dad wanted to do you but couldn’t because of certain
unfair laws. Hey, you were
strangling them with your presence – they just wanted to do to you
physically what you were doing to them metaphorically.
The
Monkey That Crapped
This loveable monkey promised “Push Dice Cup Back And I Shoot
Crap.” Just like mom and dad did!
(Note: The monkey’s crap
shooting abilities never worked. Which is no surprise as monkeys aren’t much
known for delivering on their promises...
I’ve yet to see a million of them on typewriters write the complete
works of Shakespeare – and I’m starting to suspect that I never will. )
Toy
Dean Martin
Sure
it didn’t look like him, or dress like him, or sing like him, or sing, or
anything at all like him… And yeah, you had asked for the Sinatra
mobster/wife beater doll, but hey, it was a gift, and it could have been worse
– you could have gotten the one eyed Sammy doll.
Anyway, mom and dad’s point was this:
“Shut your mouth and quit complaining ya little bastard!”
Toy
Saddam
Because all the Toy Saddam
Lawyers were dead.
Toy
Sick Dog
You cried when you were
given this and mom and dad were quick to remind you that a sickly, disgusting,
rabid looking toy dog was better than a sickly, disgusting, rabid looking real
dog.
The Oscar Meyer Toy Car
Dad promised you a car for
your 16th birthday and gave you this. It’s really more of a
comment about his lack of sense of humour than his penis size. (Yeah right.)
The Drunken Toy Bear
This one was usually from a mom and dad who were liquored up souses and knew
that the genetic “boozehound chromosome” was roaming around in you
somewhere just waiting to put on its little party hat and start binging.
So, gosh bless ‘em, they bought you a drinking pal! Yup, no matter
how ripped and inebriated you’d get in the future little “Alchie Bear”
would always be there to make sure you didn’t drink alone; that no matter
how bad things got, at least one stuffed and innate object in this world would
stick by you – unless of course you sold him for booze. Which is a real
possibility.
Satan
Cow
The
parents whose souls had long ago been destroyed by life could always be
counted on to get you The Satan Cow… You
could sell him your soul and he’d give you milk!
That meant that today you'd have food in your belly.
Naked Toy Soldiers
From the
Clinton
administration’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” era.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
rod weatherbie gadzooks
horny Frankenstein
unicorns humping
funny ass daffy duck shit
wal-mart rants
steven harper toupee
savory porn
a picture of elmo having sex with cookie monster
did the rhedosaurus kill an elephant
avery
divine movies
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 175 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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