"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 15
Mickey Rooney Meets The Press
Press
Conference of the Living Dead
PBS
(aka: The White House’s New Bitch) trotted out the old stars of another era
to celebrate the opening day of the summer TV critics’ tour. It was a less
than happy experience for all those who weren’t senile.
The
American public broadcaster booked a numbing 3½ hours (with 25 orchestrated
pee breaks) to promote Pioneers of Primetime, a special focusing on the
early days of television, airing this fall. To mark the occasion, PBS wheeled
out a six-pack of old-timers and unleashed them on the press and each other.
Afterward a PBS spokesperson was quoted as saying, “Wow, that was a huge
mistake.”
Rose
Marie, 82, William Asher, 84, a desiccated Sid Caesar, 83; Mickey Rooney, 85,
Red Buttons, 86, and Carl Reiner, 83, were all there in their mottled glory.
After
a gushing introduction from the program's producer, Steve Boettcher, the six
geezers commenced fielding queries about the good old days. In most instances,
they disregarded questions and simply stated the disconnected thoughts of the
elderly. "Today’s weather has no respect,” Rose Marie yelped.
"There
are too many foreigners in my neighbourhood,” Asher commented when asked if
he had any fond memories to share, “and it’s
impossible to find a good turkey club sandwich these days. I blame the
Italians for that because... well, I don’t remember. Of course, back in my
childhood...”
Asher’s
disjointed reverie was interrupted by Buttons. The former vaudevillian made
the likely true statement: "I had a wonderful childhood myself until I
was molested by Milton Berle."
“Milton
loved the hookers,” added Rooney, “did you ever see his penis? It was
enormous.”
“Oh
they had hookers back then. Not like today...” said Caesar to no one in
particular.
One
critic tried to steer things back on topic by asking Caesar about Your Show
of Shows, the seminal fifties series that launched the sketch-comedy
genre. After some nudging from Reiner, the frail Caesar went into a verbal
diatribe on TV today.
"The
remote control took over the timing of the world," he said. "It
changed everything. And that's why kids today are fucking horrid monsters that
should be shot and pissed on. The can all eat shit and die as far as I’m
concerned.”
And
so it went for an hour or so. The group livened up briefly at the midway
stage, when talk turned to lunch.
The
biggest loudmouth there was, surprise, surprise, Mickey Rooney, who
interrupted constantly and answered questions directed at other panel members.
"Mickey, you're not Sid Caesar," Reiner chastised.
“Sure
I am!” He responded while slugging Mr. Reiner and laughing maniacally.
At
another point Rooney interrupted with the random observation: "You know .
. . the film business was started by the Jews. Louis B. Mayer, Harry Cohn,
Adolf Zukor, and, uh, Judy Garland. Judy sounds like Jew, right. Oh, all those
Jews. You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting one – and believe me, I
tried. So many Jews...”
Since
Rose Marie, Asher and Caesar appeared to be nodding off, the event morphed
into an old vaudeville bit, with the more lucid Buttons and Reiner doing some
college style “owning” and putting makeup on the dozing senior’s faces
while undoing their clothing and taking pictures.
“Wait
till I post this at College Slackers,” cackled Reiner.
Buttons
then once again drifted into reverie, “The Lassie movies,” he said,
"I saw every one of them. Until the dog molested me. That was messy.”
“That
dog wasn’t fucking funny at all,” said Rooney.
"Buddy
Hackett was an asshole,” said Reiner.
"Who?"
Asked Buttons.
“I
forget,” replied Reiner.
And
on and on it went...
The
Triple Tofu Tower
Our friends over at GoodieBag TV have a new video
out and it’s not only vegan-friendly but also pretty damn funny. Check it
out and prepare to laugh!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Cruise Flies In Chefs
– And Then Eats Them!
Tom Cruise had the
chefs from his favourite restaurant in Rome flown 1,360 km to his yacht –
and then in an act of Scientology barbarism had them sacrificed and barbecued.
According
to one of Tom’s whipping boys, the canned ham of an actor flew the staff
from his favourite restaurant to his yacht, which is owned by, yes, that’s
right, the Church of Scientology!
The restaurant owner claimed, "His Satanic Majesty himself called
demanding sacrificial chefs for his cannibalistic needs. Mr. Cruise said if I
didn’t cooperate that he would sue me and then have me destroyed. We sent
some unknowing Sous Chefs over and he ate them – end of story.”
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
You seem more anxious than usual today. Why is that? Could it be that you
sense something horrific is about to happen. Something so ghastly and awful
that will change your life in ways your puny brain can in no way fathom?
Something so enormous and life altering that you will crumble under its wrath?
Nah. You’ve probably just drank too much coffee.
Taurus: You
seem to have rather a lot to say for yourself these days: This is what it
sounds like to the rest of us – “Yak, yak, yak...”
Gemini: Many things look lovely under candlelight. However, the severed
head of your murdered lover ain’t one of them.
Cancer: Your dreams of breeding a midget and a giant to create a human
of average height could use some rethinking.
Leo: You forgot to flush.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: If your reputation is important to you than you’ve got a lot of
fixing up to do. Good luck with that.
Scorpio: Wow, all those years of watching cartoons didn’t pay off! Now
what?
Sagittarius: You’re bad haircut continues to amuse all around you.
Capricorn: It may seem as if someone you are fond of wants nothing to do
with you. Don’t give up and keep stalking them!
Aquarius: You will continue to view mimes as clown types who
communicates entirely by gesture and facial expression.
Pisces: If you have been too soft with
people in the past it’s because you’re a pushover.
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT: HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned out
of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s
always next year.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Family Band Vol. 1
With
The Hoitt Orchestra Featuring
Donna Boser
Liner Notes.
The Family Band:
Donna Boser – Vocals, tambourine
Clyde Hoitt – Squeezebox
Petunia Hoitt – Fuzz Guitar, tuba
Clyde Hoitt Jr. – Banjo, bagpipes
Ernie Hoitt – Drums, cat
And David Cassidy – Electric Guitar, vocals
Side One:
1. Last Night I Abducted David Cassidy (Bosser)
2. Beat David & Lock Him In The Basement (Bosser, C. Hoitt)
3. Oh My God What’s Happened To Me? (Cassidy)
4. Tell Me You Love Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
5. Break His Legs And Then His Spirit (Bosser, P. Hoitt)
6. Make Love To Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
7. The Defiled Partridge (Bosser, Cassidy)
Side Two:
1. Sodomy Medley (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
2. Donna’s Love Slave (Bosser, Cassidy)
3. We Tie You In Chains Because We Love You (Bosser, The Hoitt Orchestra)
4. I Wish I Was Dead (Cassidy)
5. Dreams of Revenge {In D Minor} (Cassidy)
6. David’s Crying Again (Bosser)
7. We Got No Choice, We’re Gonna Have To Kill David (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
I always figured that if we were going to
do an album that it would have to be special. My brother-in-law, Clyde,
thought that a Pro-Vietnam war album was the way to go, but that seemed too
controversial for me. That’s when I came up with a “can’t lose”
concept: I would abduct David Cassidy and convince him to perform and write
songs for the album. Initially he was resistant, but a crowbar to the head
helped turn him around.
I’d loved David since I first saw him and
had always hoped to collaborate with him. And golly, now I was getting my big
chance!
The first days of recording (in our remote
cabin in Minnesota) were difficult. After we released David from the burlap
sack all he would do was cry. Oddly enough, the more we beat him the more
reluctant he was to help. In fact, he actually seemed ungrateful for the
opportunity. He just kept rolling up into a fetal position and whimpering,
“I’m scared” and “please don’t kill me.”
It almost looked like the record might not
get made. I was at my wit’s end about what to do. Luckily a few more weeks
locked with the dogs in the basement really helped David to finally come
around.
Oh we had such fun! Although David proved
to be kind of a moody fellow and he had a bit of an attitude. One minute
he’d see an open door and be all smiles, the next I’d be forcing him to
make sweet love to me and he’d get all weepy and nauseous. He certainly
wasn’t anything like the delightful Keith character from the Partridge
Family TV Show and I found that disappointing and so had to apply discipline
in order to get David to stop being such a wet blanket. As we kept telling
him, “We
Tie You In Chains Because We Love You” but truth be told, I don’t think
he ever got it.
Clyde was convinced David was queer and he
and the boys had a go at him, but I don’t think David enjoyed it nearly as
much as they said he did.
Of course you can live in the most remote
cabin in the world but eventually some nosey Nellie is going to hear the
screaming and call the police. (Although I really don’t think they had to
gun down my sister Petunia just because she came at them with her fuzz guitar.
But they claimed self-defense and once a cop does that, well, that’s the end
of that story.)
At the trial, David had the gall to call us
monsters and claimed he never loved me. Heavens to Betsy! He also called me a
fat bitch! I was shocked. And after all I did for him. Clyde had wanted to
break his legs and toss him in the wood-chipper but I wouldn’t hear of it.
Oh sure, eventually I was going to bury him alive, but that wouldn’t have
been until the spring. And yet there he was in the witness box saying I was an
evil woman who’d traumatized him for the rest of his life. The nerve of that
scamp!
Those Hollywood musicians really don’t
appreciate their fans.
Donna Bosser
(1975 Shakopee Prison for Women)
Cover photo: Yousuf
Karsh. © 1974 Abductee Records
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