"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 15
The Stupid Things I Did Today
– Icy Hot
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (Yes,
that’s right; anyone who would brag about this is indeed very stupid!)
Today
was, by my standards, a rather slow one. However I did manage to go toe to toe
with a tube of Icy Hot for my sore back. Suffice
to say the Icy Hot proved to be a
formidable foe.
The
stupid things I did today regarding my challenges with the tube of Icy
Hot:
1. I start things off by throwing out my back after trying to lift my couch
(don’t ask), naturally, I don’t use my legs. Down goes the couch –
followed by me crying out, “Ah! My back! Why?”
2. Okay, so it’s a short crawl to the bathroom where I groan in agony while
searching the cabinet for the Icy Hot.
3. I cannot find the Icy Hot. Why?
Because, no doubt, I’ve done something stupid with it like leave it
on a bookshelf. I keep saying to
myself, “I know it’s here, I just bought it a few weeks ago.” But that
doesn't make it appear... Instead of
patiently searching the cabinet, I slam it shut in frustration and for some
reason I begin searching in the storage cabinet below the bathroom sink.
4. I toss out random objects from the storage cabinet onto the floor as I
search and search. Some of these
objects include a bottle of shampoo that explodes and leaves a thick, gooey,
industrial mess on my bathroom floor; and an ensuing box of Q-Tips which also
pops open, scattering about 300 stray Q-Tips trapped into the pool of shampoo.
My bathroom floor has now become my own little Exxon Valdez.
5. Swearing, screaming and slipping in the shampoo, I am now joined by my bemused
wife, who upon hearing of my plight, opens the original cabinet door (where I
had searched in vain) and calmly hands me the Icy Hot.
6. I apply the Icy Hot to my
back... That taken care of, I
proceed to rub my eye with an Icy Hot laden
finger – even though my eye isn’t itchy!
My back quickly begins to heat up nicely and my eye burns like the fire
of Hades.
7. As I lean over the sink splashing cold water into my burning eye,
contemplating a trip to the Emergency Ward and cursing the makers of Icy
Hot, I can feel my back tightening up…
July 14
The Stupid Things I Did Today
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (Yes,
that’s right, anyone who would brag about this is indeed very stupid!) These
idiotic acts of mine can be attributed to any number of things including (but
not limited to), the common brain fart, my general stupidity, letting down my
guard, just not thinking, or what I lovingly call a “brain-function
cake-down.”
Because
I’m such a generous guy (or should that be “stupid fool?”), I’ve
decided to share with you, the gentle reader, a list of “The Stupid Things I
Do.” I’m hoping it will
provide you with some laughs at my expense and me with some insights into the
patterns of my acts of stupidity or at the very least offer some kind of
revelations about my idiotic self; but then again, because I’m so
laughably half-witted, even if it did, I’d be too stupid to pick up on it.
The
stupid things I did today:
1.
I
run to catch bus with cup of coffee.
Coffee mostly ends up on my now no longer clean shirt.
2. Pick up Food Processor
blades...
by the blades.
2a. Try and stop profuse bleeding from Food Processor blades by holding
gushing bloody finger under cold tap. After
about 10 minutes I start to feel faint and am told by my long suffering wife to apply
pressure to stop the bleeding.
Miraculously, the bleeding stops.
3. I spend approximately 90 mind boggling minutes trying to burn a CD even though
my burner is clearly
not working (I suspect the reason it isn’t working has something to do with
me, but for time being can not verify this – more later).
4. At fast food restaurant I dump my food tray along with my finished food into
garbage bin.
5. Later:
Regarding CD burner – suspicions
confirmed – it’s me! I discover I have not connected the USB cord.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i want superpowers like Jesus Christ
advantages of joining the french foreign legion
banks suck
betty veronica archie philosophy
get a ant queen by mail
gay monsters
bifurcated nipples
castration complex arabs
interrogation boy squeeze testicles
one minute hero
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 163 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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