"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 16
Today’s Pope Poop
Pope Hates
Harry Potter
Banishes Rowling to Hell
Furious Ratso is “feeling vengeful” and hard at work on his
alternative book, “Heretic Rotter.”
Pope Ratso believes the Harry
Potter books subtly seduce young readers, “distort Christianity in the
soul” and “poison the little turd’s brains before I can get to them and
properly channel them into God fearing Catholic automatons,” according to
comments attributed to him by Gabriele Kuby, who has written a book
called “Things That Piss Off The Pope – An Endless List.”
According to a passage from the book Ratso
says, “That Harry Potter crap is shit. It’s filled with subtle seductions
which act unnoticed and deeply distort Christianity in the soul. We can stop
guilty Catholics from reading them but that’s not nearly enough. We must
burn these books. Better yet, let’s burn the heretics who read them. Even
better, I say we get a modern day witch-hunt going. It’s been a long time
since the Catholic churches burned witches and as you know, I’m a nostalgic
fool and real fan of the old traditions.”
A Vatican official was not immediately able to
comment but did say that Benedict is currently preparing to launch his own
book, “Heretic Rotter and The Sinners of the World.” The official also
added that the Pope’s first draft was “Really fun. It just needs some
tightening and more sacrificial virgins, but he’ll add those in the next
rewrite.”
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise:
More Family Cult Values
Nicole Kidman has bought a
house just two minutes away from ex-kook of a husband Tom Cruiser, which has
really upset poor dead-eyed drone, Katie Holmes.
Kidman decided to buy the house after
Tom’s Scientology thugs “explained” that it would easier for Tom to have
mind control over his kids and give them rides on his alien space ship if they
are nearby.
A friend said that Katie has taken to her
bed and won’t leave until Tom makes love to her.
“She’s gonna be there a long time,”
Cruise is reported as saying.
Meanwhile, get this, Nicole has hired a
personal trainer to help her put on weight. The Hollywood actress feared she
was looking to thin and wants to put on 15 pounds and apparently has no idea
how to do it. Her trainer is recommending a brain transplant. “She doesn’t
have one,” he said, “and everyone needs a brain, right? I think I can find
her a nice 15 pound one.”
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
While walking down the street today, you will see your mother. Luckily, she
won’t see you.
Taurus: You
continue to view chicken pox as an acutely contagious disease that is
caused by the varicella-zoster virus and characterized by skin eruptions,
slight fever, and malaise... And for once you’re right.
Gemini: You’ve been under pressure to agree to things you haven’t
felt right about. Don’t worry, in a couple of days you’ll heart attack out
and then the pressure will be off.
Cancer: Ask your boss for a raise – he could use a laugh.
Leo: If you are tired of your life the way it is then just keep moaning
and complaining to everyone – we all really love hearing about it.
Virgo: Times are never so tough that you can’t get fall down drunk.
Libra: Your dog humps your leg and you don’t stop it. It’s official
– you’re desperate for any kind of contact.
Scorpio: If you play to your strengths today you won’t get far. Best to
stick to being a charity case.
Sagittarius: If there ever there was a right time for you, we’d all like
to know about it.
Capricorn: Your underwear continues to bunch.
Aquarius: Something will happen to you today but it will not be in the
form of money or material things. Probably something involving a sandwich.
That’s it; today you will eat a sandwich.
Pisces: Be grateful for what you don’t have – a whole shit load of
good stuff.
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT: HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned out
of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s
always next year.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Family Band Vol. 1
With
The Hoitt Orchestra Featuring
Donna Boser
Liner Notes.
The Family Band:
Donna Boser – Vocals, tambourine
Clyde Hoitt – Squeezebox
Petunia Hoitt – Fuzz Guitar, tuba
Clyde Hoitt Jr. – Banjo, bagpipes
Ernie Hoitt – Drums, cat
And David Cassidy – Electric Guitar, vocals
Side One:
1. Last Night I Abducted David Cassidy (Bosser)
2. Beat David & Lock Him In The Basement (Bosser, C. Hoitt)
3. Oh My God What’s Happened To Me? (Cassidy)
4. Tell Me You Love Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
5. Break His Legs And Then His Spirit (Bosser, P. Hoitt)
6. Make Love To Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
7. The Defiled Partridge (Bosser, Cassidy)
Side Two:
1. Sodomy Medley (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
2. Donna’s Love Slave (Bosser, Cassidy)
3. We Tie You In Chains Because We Love You (Bosser, The Hoitt Orchestra)
4. I Wish I Was Dead (Cassidy)
5. Dreams of Revenge {In D Minor} (Cassidy)
6. David’s Crying Again (Bosser)
7. We Got No Choice, We’re Gonna Have To Kill David (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
I always figured that if we were going to
do an album that it would have to be special. My brother-in-law, Clyde,
thought that a Pro-Vietnam war album was the way to go, but that seemed too
controversial for me. That’s when I came up with a “can’t lose”
concept: I would abduct David Cassidy and convince him to perform and write
songs for the album. Initially he was resistant, but a crowbar to the head
helped turn him around.
I’d loved David since I first saw him and
had always hoped to collaborate with him. And golly, now I was getting my big
chance!
The first days of recording (in our remote
cabin in Minnesota) were difficult. After we released David from the burlap
sack all he would do was cry. Oddly enough, the more we beat him the more
reluctant he was to help. In fact, he actually seemed ungrateful for the
opportunity. He just kept rolling up into a fetal position and whimpering,
“I’m scared” and “please don’t kill me.”
It almost looked like the record might not
get made. I was at my wit’s end about what to do. Luckily a few more weeks
locked with the dogs in the basement really helped David to finally come
around.
Oh we had such fun! Although David proved
to be kind of a moody fellow and he had a bit of an attitude. One minute
he’d see an open door and be all smiles, the next I’d be forcing him to
make sweet love to me and he’d get all weepy and nauseous. He certainly
wasn’t anything like the delightful Keith character from the Partridge
Family TV Show and I found that disappointing and so had to apply discipline
in order to get David to stop being such a wet blanket. As we kept telling
him, “We
Tie You In Chains Because We Love You” but truth be told, I don’t think
he ever got it.
Clyde was convinced David was queer and he
and the boys had a go at him, but I don’t think David enjoyed it nearly as
much as they said he did.
Of course you can live in the most remote
cabin in the world but eventually some nosey Nellie is going to hear the
screaming and call the police. (Although I really don’t think they had to
gun down my sister Petunia just because she came at them with her fuzz guitar.
But they claimed self-defense and once a cop does that, well, that’s the end
of that story.)
At the trial, David had the gall to call us
monsters and claimed he never loved me. Heavens to Betsy! He also called me a
fat bitch! I was shocked. And after all I did for him. Clyde had wanted to
break his legs and toss him in the wood-chipper but I wouldn’t hear of it.
Oh sure, eventually I was going to bury him alive, but that wouldn’t have
been until the spring. And yet there he was in the witness box saying I was an
evil woman who’d traumatized him for the rest of his life. The nerve of that
scamp!
Those Hollywood musicians really don’t
appreciate their fans.
Donna Bosser
(1975 Shakopee Prison for Women)
Cover photo: Yousuf
Karsh. © 1974 Abductee Records
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