"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 17
Tom Green Today – Looking Good Tom!
Tom Green: Take Me Seriously
Looking like a beaten and weathered
60-year-old man and acting like a puerile booger-eating 8-year-old moron, Tom
Green has decided that he now wants to be taken seriously as a – get this
– thespian.
“I think people are getting tired of my wacky stunts,” he says while
inserting a banana up his ass, rubbing jello on his chest and running about the
room with his pants half mast, “I am a serious man and deserve to be treated
as such.”
Green, who is famous for such
antics as showing the world that a piece of pooh on a microphone has more
comic ability than he does, insists his career’s not in the gutter yet.
“From now on I’m only going to accept serious movie roles,” he continues
while humping his coffee cup and snorting bacon, ”I demand respect.”
While Green is coy about
upcoming “serious projects” he does later fax over a sheet with some
information. Take a look and behold in wonder...
My neat-oh ideas to make me a serious actor
By Tom Green:
1. A redo of Hamlet (me as Hamlet) – only instead of sword fights
we’ll use our penises. Lots of jism everywhere BUT still keep it serious:
EXCept change famous line to “To
Pee or not to Pee” Ha ha ha!!!!
2. Make a movie about Bad Guys fighting Good Guys with pies. But only
it’s serious. I play Lead bad Guy and lead Good Guy so peeple
can see that I’m a seious actor. (Acadmeny Award here I cum!!!!)
3. TV series and I’m a doctor who talks like smart doctors
talk. Big medical words. Serious. Love interest and maybe for comic
relief I have a pet baboon (I could also play babooon)
4. live theatre. Find great serious play. So far have read “run for your
wife” and ‘the mousetrap’” both seem pretty serios to me…
5. Convince Drew to remarry me or make war movie about guy who is in war and
kills people but is serious… sum
fun stuff though, like he inserts gun barrel up his ass and dances like a
chicken… but mostly serious.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Caine on
Cruise
When not making movies (some
good, many awful) actor Michael Caine will speak to the press. This is not,
nor has it ever been, the Limey’s best card to play.
Wading in on the Cruiser and
his zombie bride, Caine has opined that he fears the height difference between
Tom and Katie is a bigger threat to their 17-year age gap. He also believes
that Cruise is misguided in his beliefs about Scientology.
The Jaws 4: The Revenge star is concerned Tom's relationships with
taller women are doomed and thinks the canned ham should try Phrenology
instead of Scientology.
“That bleedin’ Scientologawhatsits is
malarkey,” he said, “wot shorty Cruise wants to do is marry a short bird.
Also he should get his mug wrapped around Phrenology. It’s the bloody study
of the shape and protuberances of the bleedin’ skull, and it’s the real
deal, mate.”
Cruise, when reached for comment was his
usual loquacious self: "That Englishman worships a queen, eats sheep
innards and likely sleeps with his horse while admiring his lawn. When the
aliens arrive and make me their silver headed God, his punishment will be
horrid and brutal – like English cuisine. And for the record, I am seven
feet tall. Oh yeah, oh man, oh baby. Now go! This phone call is over. Yah,
yah, yah!”
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
You will finally clue in that the Dalai Lama
is not a domesticated South American ruminant mammal found in a shop that
sells cooked or prepared foods.
Taurus:
Something will happen over the next 48 hours. Wait for it.
Gemini: Your attitude to the “fun” things in life will change: A
stick in the mud proves to be inspirational.
Cancer: Saturn moves out of your birth sign today and spreads
all kinds of gossip about your atrocious table manners. This could have been
avoided if you’d just close your mouth when you chew.
Leo: Your courage and deodorant will let you down at the same time.
Virgo: Your plans to domesticate a jungle savage really highlight just
what an ill-informed racist you are.
Libra: You are clever like the fox and toxic like the mad cow.
Scorpio: See Aries.
Sagittarius: If you want to make an ass of yourself simply share your
opinions.
Capricorn: The time has come to get serious about making money. We have a
treasure map we are willing to sell. Write to mug@averyant.com
we can also advice on fortunes that family members you never knew about have
left you. All we require is your banking information.
Aquarius: According to Saturn one of the most important phases of your
life begins with his arrival into your chart. But as anyone with half a brain
knows, Saturn is a filthy liar who will sleep with your wife the moment your back is
turned.
Pisces: You realize that your illiterate plumber is richer than you ever
will be.
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT: HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned out
of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s
always next year.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Family Band Vol. 1
With
The Hoitt Orchestra Featuring
Donna Boser
Liner Notes.
The Family Band:
Donna Boser – Vocals, tambourine
Clyde Hoitt – Squeezebox
Petunia Hoitt – Fuzz Guitar, tuba
Clyde Hoitt Jr. – Banjo, bagpipes
Ernie Hoitt – Drums, cat
And David Cassidy – Electric Guitar, vocals
Side One:
1. Last Night I Abducted David Cassidy (Bosser)
2. Beat David & Lock Him In The Basement (Bosser, C. Hoitt)
3. Oh My God What’s Happened To Me? (Cassidy)
4. Tell Me You Love Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
5. Break His Legs And Then His Spirit (Bosser, P. Hoitt)
6. Make Love To Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
7. The Defiled Partridge (Bosser, Cassidy)
Side Two:
1. Sodomy Medley (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
2. Donna’s Love Slave (Bosser, Cassidy)
3. We Tie You In Chains Because We Love You (Bosser, The Hoitt Orchestra)
4. I Wish I Was Dead (Cassidy)
5. Dreams of Revenge {In D Minor} (Cassidy)
6. David’s Crying Again (Bosser)
7. We Got No Choice, We’re Gonna Have To Kill David (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
I always figured that if we were going to
do an album that it would have to be special. My brother-in-law, Clyde,
thought that a Pro-Vietnam war album was the way to go, but that seemed too
controversial for me. That’s when I came up with a “can’t lose”
concept: I would abduct David Cassidy and convince him to perform and write
songs for the album. Initially he was resistant, but a crowbar to the head
helped turn him around.
I’d loved David since I first saw him and
had always hoped to collaborate with him. And golly, now I was getting my big
chance!
The first days of recording (in our remote
cabin in Minnesota) were difficult. After we released David from the burlap
sack all he would do was cry. Oddly enough, the more we beat him the more
reluctant he was to help. In fact, he actually seemed ungrateful for the
opportunity. He just kept rolling up into a fetal position and whimpering,
“I’m scared” and “please don’t kill me.”
It almost looked like the record might not
get made. I was at my wit’s end about what to do. Luckily a few more weeks
locked with the dogs in the basement really helped David to finally come
around.
Oh we had such fun! Although David proved
to be kind of a moody fellow and he had a bit of an attitude. One minute
he’d see an open door and be all smiles, the next I’d be forcing him to
make sweet love to me and he’d get all weepy and nauseous. He certainly
wasn’t anything like the delightful Keith character from the Partridge
Family TV Show and I found that disappointing and so had to apply discipline
in order to get David to stop being such a wet blanket. As we kept telling
him, “We
Tie You In Chains Because We Love You” but truth be told, I don’t think
he ever got it.
Clyde was convinced David was queer and he
and the boys had a go at him, but I don’t think David enjoyed it nearly as
much as they said he did.
Of course you can live in the most remote
cabin in the world but eventually some nosey Nellie is going to hear the
screaming and call the police. (Although I really don’t think they had to
gun down my sister Petunia just because she came at them with her fuzz guitar.
But they claimed self-defense and once a cop does that, well, that’s the end
of that story.)
At the trial, David had the gall to call us
monsters and claimed he never loved me. Heavens to Betsy! He also called me a
fat bitch! I was shocked. And after all I did for him. Clyde had wanted to
break his legs and toss him in the wood-chipper but I wouldn’t hear of it.
Oh sure, eventually I was going to bury him alive, but that wouldn’t have
been until the spring. And yet there he was in the witness box saying I was an
evil woman who’d traumatized him for the rest of his life. The nerve of that
scamp!
Those Hollywood musicians really don’t
appreciate their fans.
Donna Bosser
(1975 Shakopee Prison for Women)
Cover photo: Yousuf
Karsh. © 1974 Abductee Records
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