"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 22
Godzilla Attacks Japan
Flogs New Book
Radioactive dinosaur and all round monster,
Godzilla is back and stomping on Japan! The creature, known as “Gojira”
among locals, who last year celebrated its 50th anniversary by
going into hiding, has been roused from hibernation and is stomping the crap
out of Tokyo.
Screams of, “Look, it is Gojira, surely we must flee!” have
been heard throughout the city.
The monstrous mutation, born of the H-Bomb
tests also has a new tell-all book about its life, loves, showbiz and all
the people it killed.
“Gragggh, graggh, graggh!” the monster
is quoted as saying.
Godzilla’s manager, Lee Ping, puts it
more succinctly before getting stepped on and crushed to death: “Godzilla is
an icon of great cultural context to us. Godzilla is a global phenomenon, but
Godzilla also doesn’t know how to love and has had to battle a serious
percodane addiction, which is much more frightening than, say, King Kong.
Also, Godzilla was abused as a child by Mothra and... Agghhhhhhhhhh!”
Corporate Fool
INT.
OFFICE -- DAY
GUS
is behind a desk in his posh downtown office.
His daughter NANCY paces in front of his desk.
NANCY:
Dad, when I agreed to come to work for you it
was with the understanding that I'd be taken seriously -- that you give
serious consideration to my suggestions.
GUS:
Alright, Nancy, I get the point...show me your little report.
NANCY:
Look, Dad, I've been working on this for three months, so don't just write it
off, okay? It's all there in
black and white: the filtration system needs a complete overhaul.
GUS:
Come on, honey, don't be silly...that idea
will cost a fortune.
NANCY:
It would be money well spent dad. Besides,
I don't think we have a choice. So,
what do you say?
GUS:
I need another opinion.
NANCY:
Dad, please, trust me on this. I
know what I'm talking about.
Gus
presses an intercom button.
GUS:
Helen, have the Knave come hither.
NANCY:
Knave?
GUS:
Yes, David Flak.
NANCY:
Who's he?
GUS:
My Fool...you know, like in Shakespeare.
All the kings had them.
NANCY:
A Fool? Look,
dad, don't you think that given the cash flow problems we have that hiring
yourself some comic sidekick is just a little self indulgent?
GUS:
Nancy, this company is like my Fiefdom, and I
am its ruler, or Fief, if you will. And as such, I think I'm entitled to a few pleasures.
Besides, if Ed Gorman at vacu-waste can afford a corporate fool, I can
too.
DAVID
FLAK, the corporate fool enters. He
is dressed in medieval fool costume and leaps about manically.
FOOL:
Greeting my lord, alack, alas. Shall
I sing or prithee dance? Or speak a very naughty rhyme. Tell me and I'll waste
no time.
NANCY:
This is utterly ridiculous.
FOOL:
S'blood. Who is this lass who
stands by you -- the lead from The Taming of the Shrew?
GUS:
Ha ha...cut it out Fool, that's my daughter
you're talking about and this is no time for jokes -- though he really nailed
you there, huh Nancy? Fool, I
need your advice.
FOOL:
Beware! He
who turns to fools for thought, should not be teaching but instead be taught.
Still, if it pleases you to ask, I shall throw myself upon the task.
NANCY:
You can't seriously be thinking of asking him,
dad. What does he know about this
company? What does he know about
anything?
FOOL:
It's true I do indeed know naught, but that is
often quite a lot. Do not my education shun, for I took Shakespeare 101.
GUS:
Fool...see these blueprints? I
have some toxins held up here...now our filtration plant is, well, some
bleeding heart pansies who like to make a big deal of toxic waste say it's not
quite up to scratch.
FOOL:
The poison place where people cry. And not
from two, but from three eyes?
GUS:
Oh good. You know it...well, I
need to dump this stuff somewhere.
NANCY:
You don't need to dump it, dad...you need to
clean up the mess you've got.
GUS:
That's what I said... Hey... What's that?
Gus
points at a spot on the blueprint.
NANCY:
A sewer...
GUS:
Allah be praised.
NANCY:
We can't dump into that, dad.
GUS:
Fool?
FOOL:
What? Oh sorry.
Right. Why spend money to
fix the drains, when you can poison people's brains? If you are blind unto your crimes, who can stop you pumping
slime? Why think of those that
you will hurt? You've always
treated them like dirt.
GUS:
I agree, smart thinking Fool.
Nancy, tell the contractors to tap into the sewer.
NANCY:
Dad, listen to me: this is a mistake.
They'll close us down.
GUS:
They've tried before.
NANCY:
Maybe I should contact the board.
GUS:
What? Never!
This is my company.
FOOL:
(To Nancy) Your words are wasted on his ears,
for he is advanced in his years... His mind is addled, his vision fails; he
weighs out justice on broken scales.
NANCY:
You're not giving me a lot of choice here, dad.
Maybe you should get some rest, let me take over for a while, until
you're back to your old self again.
GUS:
Traitor...conspirator...you're fired.
Get out!
NANCY:
You can't be serious.
GUS:
Get out before I release the hounds...
NANCY:
Dad, what are you doing? You're
acting crazy.
GUS:
Out!!!
NANCY:
But daddy...
GUS:
I told you to never call me that at the office...get out...ungrateful wench. Sewage put you through University...good riddance to bad
rubbish.
Nancy
exits office in tears.
GUS
(CONT'D): Damn it all!
No one understands what it's like to be in charge of it all.
You understand me though, don't you, my pretty fool?
Tell me a rhyme.
FOOL:
I'm on my break.
GUS:
I said tell me a damn rhyme!
FOOL:
Fine... It's platitudes that thou adores, and empty ones I have in store.
The bravery that you showed today, will help to drive them all away.
And a noble king you shall always be, with just one friend, and you're
paying me. So regal yourself and have a laugh, and I shall write your
epitaph. And in it I shall duly
say...You lived your life without guilt or fear, but if only you had read King
Lear. You might have lived to see
the day, when you did not play out the play.
GUS:
I like it...now change hats and drive me home.
I have a headache.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Arnold Gets Press off of Brook Shields Getting Press off of Tom Cruise
– The Circle of Banality!
Riding the rickety Cruise bandwagon in the
hopes of getting some much needed publicity on the back of Hollywood’s
craziest and most overrated actor, washed up has-been, Tom Arnold has spoken
out against the canned ham and raving heterosexual that calls itself Tommy
Cruiser.
Mr. Arnold branded Cruise as
"ignorant" for attacking Brooke Shields' decision to take medication
to ease postpartum depression.
Arnold, whose childhood hyperactivity lead to him marrying Roseanne, said,
"Hey, remember me? I’m not dead! Okay, here’s my Tom Cruise gravy
train quote – and you can quote me on this... Ha, ha, ha! Get it? Hey, how
come you’re not laughing? Fine. Okay, I think he’s ignorant. But don’t
tell him I said that. Tom’s a powerful man... You see the thing with
celebrities is, we wanna look cool, and admitting you want to kill yourself
like Brook Shields did... Well, that isn’t cool. That's like irritable bowel
syndrome, or something. It's not a cool thing. I think Tom is a little out of
touch...” Mr. Arnold rambled to a baffled reporter who had no idea who he
was and what he was doing at his front
doorstep.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries: The full moon
causes some people to get reflective and philosophical: whereas it really
brings out the werewolf in you.
Taurus: Your
friends and family wait in anticipation of the day when you finally get tired
of the sound of your own voice.
Gemini: You will continue to view robots as mechanical devices
that sometime resemble humans and are capable of performing a variety of
complex human tasks on command or by being programmed in advance... And yet,
they still can’t love. Tragic, isn’t it?
Cancer: See above.
Leo: You have the manners of a Gaul and the gall of a Frenchman.
Virgo: In order to find the right answer all you have to do is stop asking
the wrong question. Example: Don’t ask, “Excuse me, do you have the
time?” But instead ask, “Did you know that if you don’t give me the
correct time right now then I’m going to punch you in the face?”
Libra: Crucial questions, burning fears, secret and unresolved tensions...
You’ll see all of this on a soap opera today.
Scorpio: Don’t confusing if you worry all that it seems is mixed up
today.
Sagittarius: Two words: Breath Mint.
Capricorn: There’s strength in numbers but walking around with a t-shirt
that say “1 Million” won’t help you. Smarten up!
Aquarius: It’s time to give up on horoscopes and look to fortunes in
Chinese cookies.
Pisces: You will learn an important lesson that you will forget by the end
of the day. It’s business as usual for you, Pisces.
This Week’s Featured Album:
Hank Penny: King Of Hillbilly Bebop
Liner Notes.
All songs by Duke Bodine, Goober Doogie, Cooter Hicks, Dauber Gob, Billy Bob
Clampett and Hank Penny.
Side One:
1. Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug
tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
2. Gopher Stew
3. Abducting me a Mountain Bride
4. Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right)
5. Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do
6. If it’s the first day of spring then it’s time for my bath
7. No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me
Side Two:
1. Them’s Feuding Words
2. My Old Kentucky Outsider Art
3. Crow Pie Jig
4. XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine
5. A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find
6. Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn
7. Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe
Now I reckon it’s safe to
say I ain’t ever got done no proper schooling or learnt me alls I coulds
about reedin’ and writin.’ To
me, being a barefoot, inbred hillbilly is all I’s ever knowed. But as a poor
and common, God-loving and God-fearing man, well, that sure as squirrel pie
ain’t gonna stop me an the boys from playing our songs. So why’s donts I
tell ya all a lil’ bit about each one?
The opening ditty,
Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
is all about how me and the boys like to capture city fellers who, for one
reason or t’other come up to the hills. Usually after we’s through done
doing stuff to them we let’s ‘em go... Usually.
Gopher Stew,
an’ Abducting Me A Mountain Bride is pretty much reflecting
hows we likes to eats and love. Though one time ol’ Cooter went an abducted
a gopher bride... Haw, dang, that was downright histerical!
Kissing my Sister (Some say
it’s wrong but it feels so right)
This one’s a love song that almost got me throwed in jail.
Baby’s out drinking so
the goat will have to do This one’s a
love song that almost got me killded by my sister.
If it’s the first day of spring then it's time for my bath and No shoes, no
teeth, nobody loves me was songs that we all wrote when we was
out huntin. We like huntin and whoah granny does we get some good idears fer
songs when we goes a huntin... Some day, I’m gonna write me a song about
huntin. I’ll call it “huntin.”
Some folks might say that Them’s
Feuding Words, My Old Kentucky Outsider Art, Crow Pie Jig, XXX – You, Me,
& the Moonshine and A Good Ol’
Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find alls kinds of sounds alike. And
by gum, they’d be rite. Each song gots the same two chords, but them words
on each one is different.
Well
Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn was done ritten after ol’ Dauber said, “Well
Cats My Fish” and Duke then said, “And Call Me John Barleycorn.” That’s how we do that there creative processing up here in
the mountains.
Big
Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe is a song about why it’s good to be a hillbilly!
Hank
Penny (1954)
Cover
photo: Big Breasted Daisy Mae © 1954 Yodeling Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
avery porn
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mickey rooney is an asshole
Your Sunday Tea with Tim Russert
PLEASE CREDIT ANY QUOTES OR
EXCERPTS FROM THIS NBC TELEVISION
PROGRAM TO "NBC NEWS' MEET THE PRESS."
This is a rush transcript
provided for the information and convenience of the press. Accuracy is snot
guaranteed. In case of doubt, please check with MEET THE PRESS - NBC NEWS at
(202) 885-4598, Sundays: (202) 885-4200
Sunday, July 17, 2005
GUESTS:
Political Guys (Emphasis on “Guys”)
MODERATOR/PANELIST:
Tim “Balls” Russert, NBC News
MR. TIM RUSSERT: Our
issues this Sunday: More political stuff: Specifically that Rove guy and
the whole Valerie Plame kafuffle. Joining us... Well, when I say “us” I
mean “me” is Matt Cooper of Time magazine. Hey, man.
MR. MATT COOPER:
Morning, Tim.
MR. RUSSERT: How’s it
hanging, dude?
MR. COOPER: I beg your
pardon?
MR. RUSSERT: Enough
small talk! This is the cover of Time magazine: "Rove on the
Spot," subtitled, "What I Told the Grand Jury," by Matthew
Cooper. And on page 78 here is a Chanel No. 5 advertisement from the
magazine. Do you think this chick is hot?
MR. COOPER: What???
MR. RUSSERT: Let’s move
on. For the record, the first time you learned that Joe Wilson's wife worked
for the CIA was from Karl Rove?
MR. COOPER: That's
corr...
MR. RUSSERT: Ect?
MR. COOPER: Um, yes...
MR. RUSSERT: I knew
it! And when Karl concluded his conversation with you, you write he said,
"I've already said too much." What did that mean?
MR. COOPER: Well, I'm
not sure what it meant, Tim. At first, you know, I thought maybe he
meant, "I've been indiscreet." But then, as I thought about
it, I thought it might be just more benign, like "I've said too much;
I've got to get to a meeting." I don't know exactly what he meant.
MR. RUSSERT: Jesus,
how much do they pay you at Time Magazine, anyway?
MR. COOPER: I make 200
dollars an article plus all the Smarties I can eat.
MR. RUSSERT: They’re
getting ripped off. Okay, when you were told that Joe Wilson's wife worked for
the CIA, did you have any sense then that this is important or "I better
be careful about identifying someone who works for the CIA?"
MR. COOPER: Well, I
guess I thought it was important. I mean I told my wife and kids about
it and I usually tell them anything that I think is important.
MR. RUSSERT:
Interesting. What else have you told your wife and kids?
MR. COOPER: Well,
about my vasectomy. Of course I didn’t tell them until I had it done. Ha,
ha, ha.
MR. RUSSERT:
Hilarious. You also write in Time magazine this week, "This was actually
my second testimony for the special prosecutor. In August 2004, I gave
limited testimony about my conversation with [Vice President Dick Cheney's
chief of staff] Scooter Libby.” Do you think that “Scooter” is a
stupid name for a chief of staff?
MR. COOPER: I think
everyone does.
MR. RUSSERT: Did Mr.
Libby say at any time that Joe Wilson's wife worked for the CIA?
MR. COOPER: No, he
didn't say that.
MR. RUSSERT: Really?
MR COOPER: Honest.
MR. RUSSERT: Come on...
MR. COOPER: Okay, he
did.
MR. RUSSERT: And that
she worked for the CIA?
MR. COOPER: That too.
MR. RUSSERT: What
else? Share the dirt.
MR. COOPER: Aw come
on Tim, lay off. I don't want to get into it.
MR. RUSSERT: Okay...
Now about your vasectomy...
MR. COOPER: Fine,
we’ll talk about the Rove stuff.
MR. RUSSERT: Damn
right. Now, the big discussion, Matt Cooper, has been about your willingness
to testify...
MR. COOPER: Sure.
MR. RUSSERT: Don’t
interrupt! ...before the grand jury. And let's go through that.
This was Wednesday, July 6, Matt Cooper talking to the assembled press corps.
(Videotape, July 6, 2005):
MR. COOPER: This
morning, in what can only be described as a stunning set of developments, that
source agreed to give me a specific, personal and unambiguous waiver to speak
before the grand jury. In return I would share information of vasectomy
procedures.
(End videotape)
MR. RUSSERT: Now,
Karl Rove's attorney has spoken to The Washington Post and has said that
“[Matt] Cooper's last-minute theatrics is not nearly as good as Spamalot,
which I think is a great show.”
MR. COOPER: Well, can
I back up a little bit, Tim? Spamalot is overrated. For my money, Monty
Python’s Holy Grail is what people should see. Also, have you seen the
prices of tickets? They’re outrageous. Broadway is going downhill as far as
I’m concerned.
MR. RUSSERT: Good
point. However Rove's imp and attorney, is suggesting that you don’t have
the pizzazz of Spamalot. And anyway, Monty Python’s The Holy Grail has
nothing to do with this. AND it’s also a movie.
MR. COOPER: Oh...
yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: Yeah, “oh
yeah” indeed. Now in your piece, you said "some government
officials," and you said it may be more than just Rove and Libby.
Did you get waivers from those additional sources when you testified before
the grand jury?
MR. COOPER: I don't
want to get into anything else, but I don't — okay, let’s talk about my
vasectomy, alright?
MR. RUSSERT: Norman
Pearlstine, editor in chief...
MR. COOPER: Sure.
MR. RUSSERT: I SAID
DON’T INTERRUPT!!!!...of Time magazine, authorized the release of your
e-mails and notes to the prosecutor. Pearlstine said this: "I
found myself really coming to the conclusion that once the Supreme Court has
spoken in a case involving national security and a grand jury, we are not
above the law and we have to behave the way ordinary citizens do."
Do you agree?
MR. COOPER: Not at
all. I am above the law and so is every journalist. If politicians, actors and
athletes can be, then so can us writers.
MR. RUSSERT: What
about circus clowns?
MR. COOPER: Sure,
them too.
MR. RUSSERT: You are
going to testify this week before Congress for a shield law. Explain
that.
MR. COOPER: I’d
rather not. It’s complicated and most of your viewers wouldn’t understand.
MR. RUSSERT: Good
point. What's your biggest regret in this whole matter?
MR. COOPER: That I
only got paid 200 dollars for the article. That, and doing your show.
MR. RUSSERT: Will
this affect your career as a journalist?
MR. COOPER: Doing
your show? Oh yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: What’s
your favorite color?
MR. COOPER: No
comment.
MR. RUSSERT: Football
or hockey?
MR. COOPER: No
comment.
MR. RUSSERT: Matt
Cooper, thank you very much for joining us and spouting about nothing.
MR. COOPER: Go to
hell, Tim.
MR.
RUSSERT: I’ll see you there, ass-wipe... Coming next, more political
stuff. But first... (holds up can of dog food) Is your puppy a fussy
eater? Then maybe it’s time you served your dog “Dirk’s Dog Food.”
It’s full of vitamins and has a pleasing after taste that puppy will love (Russert
eats from the can) Yummy! “Dirk’s Dog Food.” Buy it today, your
doggy will say thank you.
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