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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 22
The Stupid Things I Did Today – The Teapot
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
It was
back to stupid business as usual for me today as I managed to perpetrate a
series of small mental gaffs that not only made me wonder about the state of
my brain (reminding me of that saying, “I may have Alzheimer’s, but at
least I don’t have Alzheimer’s”) but were also able to do some minor
physical damage to my poor, weary body. Still,
all things considered, I’d have to – lamentably – consider this not too
bad a day…
The stupid things I did today:
1. I make a pot of tea and pour
myself and lovely wife a cup. Later,
when I decide to get a second cup from the teapot I discover that for some
bizarre reason the tea pot is not in the tea cozy.
So begins the search. I
start by asking my lovely wife if she did something with the teapot – “Like
what?” she reasonably asks. I sputter out some stupid sentence along the
lines of “Did you put it somewhere?” She then sighs, gives me a look that
says “Wow, you can be really tiring,” and dryly informs me she hasn’t put
it anywhere or done anything with the tea pot. When I ask her if she’s sure
about this, her half smile of bemusement instantly transforms into a
pronounced scowl of
frustration. While I still
suspect she is somehow responsible, I decide to let it go.
So I search the house for the damn teapot. and after
fifeteen minutes and an endless stream of mumbling, grumbling, bitching,
moaning and wailing, I decide to give up the search.
Clearly, aliens have somehow invaded my house and stolen the teapot from the
cozy.
2. Later, when I go to the fridge
for brownies and beer (not the smartest of diets, I admit) , I discover the misplaced teapot,
sitting innocently enough beside a carton
of milk.
3. I spend about 10 minutes
wondering why my printer won’t print before I realize it’s out of paper.
I spend another 10 minutes wondering just how many times in my life I've
wasted 10 minutes on my printer.
4. The barbecue – which I now
view as a summer foe (Superman has his Lex Luther; Stupid Man (me) has
his barbecue) once again gets the best of me: I
grill a big pile of veggies in a veggie grill and am carrying the sizzling
grill into the
house when I realize that I’ve stupidly closed the door. Still holding the
blisteringly hot grill in my oven-mitted hand I try and negotiate opening the
door with the other – I briefly, very, very briefly allow the incredibly,
wildly, burningly, hot
grill to touch the inside of my arm – it hurts, but nothing terrible.
I probably should ice my arm right away -- but I'm really hungry. So I have
dinner. I enjoy my meal. I bring my plates
into the kitchen. I look at the small burn on my arm – it's swollen to the
size of a small grape. For some
reason, I seem surprised by this.
July 21
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
Stupid in July...
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to
do them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
Today, I (gasp) didn’t do anything
stupid! Fine and dandy, but I had
been planning on it (which is, technically, kind of stupid) and this left me
scrambling to write something (yes, I know, being unprepared is also kind of stupid).
So here are some stupid half baked musings on the subject of stupidity…
What type of TV sitcom character
are you?
Sure, it’s a mindless and stupid question, but it’s July and July inspires
stupidity. Why? Because there’s nothing else to do. So,
I’ll ask you again: What type of TV
sitcom character are you? Are you the sexy impetuous type who’s always
unpredictable in a very predictable type of way? Or are you the quirky stick
in the mud who occasionally loses total control of not only their temper, but
also their lower extremities? You tell me! No pressure. And that’s my point:
it’s July: there’s no pressure in July. The only thing you need to
remember about July is that your boss is on vacation and it’s hot. The kind
of hot that makes you do stupid things with air conditioners, barbecues, and Icy Hot
(see below for concrete examples). The type of hot that makes you point fans at your face
while you sleep and then wake up with a sore throat and a mouth tasting like
the Gobi desert… Otherwise all July inspires is stupidity and ensuing stupid
questions like “If
someone slips on a banana peel and no one’s there to see it, is it still
funny?” I dunno, I guess it’s like the dead existentialists say, “He who
laughs last is sometime laughing at himself and not with himself.” And if
that sounds like the stupidest piece of crap you’ve ever heard, well try and
remember this – it’s July. The
official month of stupidity!
July 20
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
Air Conditioner
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to
do them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I’m not good at much, but I am good at consistently being rather stupid.
Okay,
so I thought I might make it through this day without incident – that was my
first mistake. It’s always the mark of a stupidity to think, “Wow, it
looks like I’m not going to do anything stupid today.”
You have just cursed yourself with stupidity. From this point on you
may as well find a rake head to step on and get any and all oncoming idiotic
incidents out of the way – because you’re in for a storm of stupidity.
Yes, all was going well until…
1. I notice the air conditioner in
my second story bedroom window and can’t help but think that if I adjust it
just a little this will somehow provide me with more cool air.
(I know, my logic leaves little to be desired!) I begin fiddling with
it. The air conditioner seems to be jammed in the window – I give it a good
push… The air conditioner falls out of the window and crashes onto my side
driveway.
2. Now outside on the side
driveway, I examine the smashed up hunk of twisted carnage that is splayed –
and clearly dead – in front of me. I
put my hands over my mouth and scream into them.
Then for good measure, I kick the dead air conditioner.
I am only wearing sandals. My
big toe begins to immediately throb. I
hobble back into the house taking solace that none of my neighbours witnessed
this and that no one other than my stupid self was hurt.
3. I sit on the edge of the tub
with my toe submerged in cold water and as my teeth chatter away I try and
think up creative excuses to give my long suffering wife when she gets home
and inevitably asks, “What the hell happened to the air conditioner?”
I come up with a variety of rather ingenious ones including:
-A gang of errant squirrels tried to break into the house through the window
and caused the air conditioner to tip over
-“Did you hear on the news that we had a small earthquake? Because we did!
Really!”
-The house is shifting and today it really shifted to the right; so much so
the air conditioner fell out
-“I don’t know how it happened, I was at church all day”
- “The air conditioner was on fire and in order to save the house, I had to
push it out the window”
-It
wasn't me, it was the terrorists!
And my personal
favourite…
-“Honey, what the hell did YOU do to the air conditioner?”
4. In the end I
settle, stupidly, for telling the truth. Not because it’s the right thing to
do, but because I’m not smart enough to think up a believable enough excuse.
The sound of my wife’s laughter and her finger pointed at me in a rather
mocking manner almost make it all worth while…
Later:
When
it was all over and my toe had stopped throbbing and I had a moment to
reflect, I was reminded of a friend of mine from my youth.
His name was
Wayne
– and he wasn’t very bright. In
fact, between the two of us, he was the stupid one. One day when he was over
at my parent’s house my mother asked him what he wanted to do with his life.
Without missing a beat my friend replied, “Well, I think I’d like
to be an air conditioner.”
Really.
My mom looked vaguely uncomfortable and, I believe, worried about the quality
of friends I was spending time with, whereas I burst out laughing and asked
Wayne how he would pull this off. Did he plan to stand outside people’s
windows with a mouthful of ice cubes?
Today’s adventure with the air conditioner reminded me of
Wayne
and made me reassess just which one of us really was the stupid one...
RIP (Rust
in Pieces) Air Conditioner... 2001 –
2006
July 19
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
My Continual and Protracted Dumbing Down...
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I was
in fairly good “Idiot Form” today…
1. I awake convinced that I am catching a cold as my poor, raw throat is
aching. Bemoaning my fate to my just awaking wife (who, it must be said is
awakened by my moaning), she proceeds to roll her eyes and tell me that the
reason my throat is sore probably has to do with the fact that I slept with a
fan blowing into my face. Okay,
she’s right, but she could have faked a little sympathy.
2. Later: I scratch my face with
ballpoint pen – unaware that the tip is out.
I then proceed to wander about outside for a couple of hours with pen
marks all over my face. (I thought
I heard people laughing!) Have to admit, I am impressed by my level of
stupidity!
3. I am impressed by my level of stupidity (see above).
4. Go out and buy a big bottle of Ginger Ale.
Walk home quickly with bottle. Get
in house. Go to kitchen. Open bottle. Carbonated
Ginger Ale explodes in my face, on my arms and clothes, all over the counter
and eventually onto the floor (after I drop the bottle).
As best as I reckon I paid a $1.99 for the pleasure of mopping my
floor. Can’t say it was worth
it.
5. While barbecuing T-Bone steaks
I leave the cooking tongs in the house. I wonder if maybe I can flip them
using my hands by grabbing onto the bone.
I discover (not surprisingly) that the bone is also very hot. I
now have two new little burns on my thumb and forefinger.
July 17
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
an
ongoing saga
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
Today was a slow
day… Now of course I still managed to do some stupid things, just nothing
particularly outrageously stupid but more in the category of “banal,
everyday, standard stupidity” kind of stuff.
Allow me to elucidate:
1. While I am enjoying the view from underneath my barbecue and replacing its propane
tank, for some baffling reason (which I can only conclude must have something
to do with my innate condition to do stupid things) , I raise my head and give
it a nice good crack on the bottom of the barbecue grill. Ouch!
2. I sit on a bar patio under the broiling sun with no sunscreen on and knock
back several cocktails. Later, I
wonder why I have a pounding headache.
3. After enjoying a long shower I realize there are no towels in the bathroom.
After shouting myself hoarse trying to get my poor wife to hear me (even
though she had informed me she was going out shopping), I wander, soaking wet
and naked to the closet for a towel. From
a nearby window I hear children laughing…
July 15
The Stupid Things I Did Today
– Icy Hot
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (Yes,
that’s right; anyone who would brag about this is indeed very stupid!)
Today
was, by my standards, a rather slow one. However I did manage to go toe to toe
with a tube of Icy Hot for my sore back. Suffice
to say the Icy Hot proved to be a
formidable foe.
The
stupid things I did today regarding my challenges with the tube of Icy
Hot:
1. I start things off by throwing out my back after trying to lift my couch
(don’t ask), naturally, I don’t use my legs. Down goes the couch –
followed by me crying out, “Ah! My back! Why?”
2. Okay, so it’s a short crawl to the bathroom where I groan in agony while
searching the cabinet for the Icy Hot.
3. I cannot find the Icy Hot. Why?
Because, no doubt, I’ve done something stupid with it like leave it
on a bookshelf. I keep saying to
myself, “I know it’s here, I just bought it a few weeks ago.” But that
doesn't make it appear... Instead of
patiently searching the cabinet, I slam it shut in frustration and for some
reason I begin searching in the storage cabinet below the bathroom sink.
4. I toss out random objects from the storage cabinet onto the floor as I
search and search. Some of these
objects include a bottle of shampoo that explodes and leaves a thick, gooey,
industrial mess on my bathroom floor; and an ensuing box of Q-Tips which also
pops open, scattering about 300 stray Q-Tips trapped into the pool of shampoo.
My bathroom floor has now become my own little Exxon Valdez.
5. Swearing, screaming and slipping in the shampoo, I am now joined by my bemused
wife, who upon hearing of my plight, opens the original cabinet door (where I
had searched in vain) and calmly hands me the Icy Hot.
6. I apply the Icy Hot to my
back... That taken care of, I
proceed to rub my eye with an Icy Hot laden
finger – even though my eye isn’t itchy!
My back quickly begins to heat up nicely and my eye burns like the fire
of Hades.
7. As I lean over the sink splashing cold water into my burning eye,
contemplating a trip to the Emergency Ward and cursing the makers of Icy
Hot, I can feel my back tightening up…
July 14
The Stupid Things I Did Today
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (Yes,
that’s right, anyone who would brag about this is indeed very stupid!) These
idiotic acts of mine can be attributed to any number of things including (but
not limited to), the common brain fart, my general stupidity, letting down my
guard, just not thinking, or what I lovingly call a “brain-function
cake-down.”
Because
I’m such a generous guy (or should that be “stupid fool?”), I’ve
decided to share with you, the gentle reader, a list of “The Stupid Things I
Do.” I’m hoping it will
provide you with some laughs at my expense and me with some insights into the
patterns of my acts of stupidity or at the very least offer some kind of
revelations about my idiotic self; but then again, because I’m so
laughably half-witted, even if it did, I’d be too stupid to pick up on it.
The
stupid things I did today:
1.
I
run to catch bus with cup of coffee.
Coffee mostly ends up on my now no longer clean shirt.
2. Pick up Food Processor
blades...
by the blades.
2a. Try and stop profuse bleeding from Food Processor blades by holding
gushing bloody finger under cold tap. After
about 10 minutes I start to feel faint and am told by my long suffering wife to apply
pressure to stop the bleeding.
Miraculously, the bleeding stops.
3. I spend approximately 90 mind boggling minutes trying to burn a CD even though
my burner is clearly
not working (I suspect the reason it isn’t working has something to do with
me, but for time being can not verify this – more later).
4. At fast food restaurant I dump my food tray along with my finished food into
garbage bin.
5. Later:
Regarding CD burner – suspicions
confirmed – it’s me! I discover I have not connected the USB cord.
Dean
Friedman is Great!
Quirky pop
musician extraordinaire, Dean Friedman
has a great new single/animation out that I am currently loving to no end.
It’s called, I
Miss Monica and it’s from his latest CD “Squirrels in the Attic.” Like all his wonderful tunes, this one is catchy, smart,
very, very funny and
it’s getting repeated playing over at my house. What can I say other than this guy is great.
Check him out!
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i want superpowers like Jesus Christ
advantages of joining the french foreign legion
banks suck
betty veronica archie philosophy
get a ant queen by mail
gay monsters
bifurcated nipples
castration complex arabs
interrogation boy squeeze testicles
one minute hero
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 156 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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