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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 25
That’s A Lousy Thing To Do To An Innocent Kid
Another day another dullard: I’m minding my own business and thinking that
I’ll never understand how Christians can support a religion that uses a
scene of capital punishment as its central image. I bump into an old friend
and her 3 year old son.
I ask, "What's his name?"
She tells me, “Balsam.”
Why? I mean what the hell did he do to deserve that? It must have been pretty bad to name her kid
after a deciduous tree known for its aromatic resin. Was this decision made
during her 48th consecutive hour of labor? As she was giving birth
was she screaming out, “You gigantic headed bastard, go ahead and tear my
body apart. I’ll get even. I’ll name ya Balsam! Ha ha ha!”
Now I’ve always been a fan of revenge. It’s been said there’s a cesspool
of rotting monsters behind my slow boyish smile; but I’d never name my kid
after a shrub – or God forbid – a Bush! If you must name your son after
something ridiculous then why not at least name him after his penis?
Nothing’s more ridiculous than a penis. This way, if he grows up to be a
total “Dick” then at least he’s truly become the thing you named him.
July 24
The Stupid Things I Did Today:
Watch The
Burn
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do
them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I was pretty good over the weekend. About the only stupid
thing I did (at least to my knowledge) is fixate on the barbecue burn on my arm.
As
far as burns go, this one was a total pussy cat. It never really burned (the key
function of a burn's purpose, if I'm not mistaken) and it certainly never
hurt in the slightest. But after watching it swell up, I did (and rather
wisely, I might add) eventually ice it.
What's got me fixated about the burn is that
its left a Harry Potter-ish type of "mark." It looks like an
arrow/detour road sign… A “brand” of stupidity if you will. And when I
think about all the time I’ve wasted looking at it and
thinking about it... Well, that's when I sadly realize I've wasted so much
time just thinking about how much time I've already wasted looking and
thinking about it. Not to mention then writing it all down. It's all very
stupid when I really think about it. But then I realize that "thinking
about it" is the antithesis of stupidity... Then there's the inevitable
headache. And yet, my burn, my brand of stupidity, doesn't hurt at all.
It's very suspicious...
The
Mark. (aka: Branded Stupidity)
July 22
The Stupid Things I Did Today – The Teapot
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
It was
back to stupid business as usual for me today as I managed to perpetrate a
series of small mental gaffs that not only made me wonder about the state of
my brain (reminding me of that saying, “I may have Alzheimer’s, but at
least I don’t have Alzheimer’s”) but were also able to do some minor
physical damage to my poor, weary body. Still,
all things considered, I’d have to – lamentably – consider this not too
bad a day…
The stupid things I did today:
1. I make a pot of tea and pour
myself and lovely wife a cup. Later,
when I decide to get a second cup from the teapot I discover that for some
bizarre reason the tea pot is not in the tea cozy.
So begins the search. I
start by asking my lovely wife if she did something with the teapot – “Like
what?” she reasonably asks. I sputter out some stupid sentence along the
lines of “Did you put it somewhere?” She then sighs, gives me a look that
says “Wow, you can be really tiring,” and dryly informs me she hasn’t put
it anywhere or done anything with the tea pot. When I ask her if she’s sure
about this, her half smile of bemusement instantly transforms into a
pronounced scowl of
frustration. While I still
suspect she is somehow responsible, I decide to let it go.
So I search the house for the damn teapot. and after
fifeteen minutes and an endless stream of mumbling, grumbling, bitching,
moaning and wailing, I decide to give up the search.
Clearly, aliens have somehow invaded my house and stolen the teapot from the
cozy.
2. Later, when I go to the fridge
for brownies and beer (not the smartest of diets, I admit) , I discover the misplaced teapot,
sitting innocently enough beside a carton
of milk.
3. I spend about 10 minutes
wondering why my printer won’t print before I realize it’s out of paper.
I spend another 10 minutes wondering just how many times in my life I've
wasted 10 minutes on my printer.
4. The barbecue – which I now
view as a summer foe (Superman has his Lex Luther; Stupid Man (me) has
his barbecue) once again gets the best of me: I
grill a big pile of veggies in a veggie grill and am carrying the sizzling
grill into the
house when I realize that I’ve stupidly closed the door. Still holding the
blisteringly hot grill in my oven-mitted hand I try and negotiate opening the
door with the other – I briefly, very, very briefly allow the incredibly,
wildly, burningly, hot
grill to touch the inside of my arm – it hurts, but nothing terrible.
I probably should ice my arm right away -- but I'm really hungry. So I have
dinner. I enjoy my meal. I bring my plates
into the kitchen. I look at the small burn on my arm – it's swollen to the
size of a small grape. For some
reason, I seem surprised by this.
July 20
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
Air Conditioner
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to
do them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I’m not good at much, but I am good at consistently being rather stupid.
Okay,
so I thought I might make it through this day without incident – that was my
first mistake. It’s always the mark of a stupidity to think, “Wow, it
looks like I’m not going to do anything stupid today.”
You have just cursed yourself with stupidity. From this point on you
may as well find a rake head to step on and get any and all oncoming idiotic
incidents out of the way – because you’re in for a storm of stupidity.
Yes, all was going well until…
1. I notice the air conditioner in
my second story bedroom window and can’t help but think that if I adjust it
just a little this will somehow provide me with more cool air.
(I know, my logic leaves little to be desired!) I begin fiddling with
it. The air conditioner seems to be jammed in the window – I give it a good
push… The air conditioner falls out of the window and crashes onto my side
driveway.
2. Now outside on the side
driveway, I examine the smashed up hunk of twisted carnage that is splayed –
and clearly dead – in front of me. I
put my hands over my mouth and scream into them.
Then for good measure, I kick the dead air conditioner.
I am only wearing sandals. My
big toe begins to immediately throb. I
hobble back into the house taking solace that none of my neighbours witnessed
this and that no one other than my stupid self was hurt.
3. I sit on the edge of the tub
with my toe submerged in cold water and as my teeth chatter away I try and
think up creative excuses to give my long suffering wife when she gets home
and inevitably asks, “What the hell happened to the air conditioner?”
I come up with a variety of rather ingenious ones including:
-A gang of errant squirrels tried to break into the house through the window
and caused the air conditioner to tip over
-“Did you hear on the news that we had a small earthquake? Because we did!
Really!”
-The house is shifting and today it really shifted to the right; so much so
the air conditioner fell out
-“I don’t know how it happened, I was at church all day”
- “The air conditioner was on fire and in order to save the house, I had to
push it out the window”
-It
wasn't me, it was the terrorists!
And my personal
favourite…
-“Honey, what the hell did YOU do to the air conditioner?”
4. In the end I
settle, stupidly, for telling the truth. Not because it’s the right thing to
do, but because I’m not smart enough to think up a believable enough excuse.
The sound of my wife’s laughter and her finger pointed at me in a rather
mocking manner almost make it all worth while…
Later:
When
it was all over and my toe had stopped throbbing and I had a moment to
reflect, I was reminded of a friend of mine from my youth.
His name was
Wayne
– and he wasn’t very bright. In
fact, between the two of us, he was the stupid one. One day when he was over
at my parent’s house my mother asked him what he wanted to do with his life.
Without missing a beat my friend replied, “Well, I think I’d like
to be an air conditioner.”
Really.
My mom looked vaguely uncomfortable and, I believe, worried about the quality
of friends I was spending time with, whereas I burst out laughing and asked
Wayne how he would pull this off. Did he plan to stand outside people’s
windows with a mouthful of ice cubes?
Today’s adventure with the air conditioner reminded me of
Wayne
and made me reassess just which one of us really was the stupid one...
RIP (Rust
in Pieces) Air Conditioner... 2001 –
2006
July 19
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
My Continual and Protracted Dumbing Down...
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I was
in fairly good “Idiot Form” today…
1. I awake convinced that I am catching a cold as my poor, raw throat is
aching. Bemoaning my fate to my just awaking wife (who, it must be said is
awakened by my moaning), she proceeds to roll her eyes and tell me that the
reason my throat is sore probably has to do with the fact that I slept with a
fan blowing into my face. Okay,
she’s right, but she could have faked a little sympathy.
2. Later: I scratch my face with
ballpoint pen – unaware that the tip is out.
I then proceed to wander about outside for a couple of hours with pen
marks all over my face. (I thought
I heard people laughing!) Have to admit, I am impressed by my level of
stupidity!
3. I am impressed by my level of stupidity (see above).
4. Go out and buy a big bottle of Ginger Ale.
Walk home quickly with bottle. Get
in house. Go to kitchen. Open bottle. Carbonated
Ginger Ale explodes in my face, on my arms and clothes, all over the counter
and eventually onto the floor (after I drop the bottle).
As best as I reckon I paid a $1.99 for the pleasure of mopping my
floor. Can’t say it was worth
it.
5. While barbecuing T-Bone steaks
I leave the cooking tongs in the house. I wonder if maybe I can flip them
using my hands by grabbing onto the bone.
I discover (not surprisingly) that the bone is also very hot. I
now have two new little burns on my thumb and forefinger.
Dean
Friedman is Great!
Quirky pop
musician extraordinaire, Dean Friedman
has a great new single/animation out that I am currently loving to no end.
It’s called, I
Miss Monica and it’s from his latest CD “Squirrels in the Attic.” Like all his wonderful tunes, this one is catchy, smart,
very, very funny and
it’s getting repeated playing over at my house. What can I say other than this guy is great.
Check him out!
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
daffy duck and tickle buddy
ndp goodie bag
ignore aquarius
meth jokes
zoboomafoo in
Canada
i am ali
close window on hot summer
gonzo but not forgotten
catholic pope outfit
avery cosmetics or soap or soaps or lotion or lotions or gel or gels or cream
or creams or shampoo or shampoos or conditioner or conditioners
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 153 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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