"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 10
Simon
Says
INT.
RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Nate and Mary at table in restaurant.
Mary:
Well, he’s late.
Nate:
He’s always late.
Simon
enters restaurant.
Mary:
Oh there he is! Simon! Over here!
Simon:
Hi guys. Simon says give me a hug.
They hug
him.
Mary:
We were getting worried.
Simon:
Simon says never get worried about him, he’ll manage just fine.
Nate:
Something wrong buddy?
Simon: Simon says change the subject.
Mary:
What’s happened Simon?
Simon:
Simon says drop it and get me a drink.
Nate:
Okay, okay… So, where’s Jennifer?
Simon:
Simon says he needs a drink!
Nate: Look like you’ve already had a few buddy.
Simon:
Simon says what the fuck are you, my mother?
Nate: Hey, calm down.
Mary:
Simon!
Simon: Simon says sorry.
Nate: Well, okay then.
Simon:
Simon says Jennifer is a two-faced tramp, slut, whore who left him.
Mary: Oh, I’m sorry Simon.
Simon: Simon says who the fuck needs her. Simon says let’s party.
Nate:
Maybe we’d better take you home, pal.
Simon: Simon says go to hell. Simon wants to get his rocks off tonight.
Nate: Look, I know you’re upset.
Simon:
Simon says you know shit! Simon
says Mary here is looking very attractive tonight.
Mary:
Well, uh, thank you.
Simon:
Simon says she’s smoking hot. Simon says he bets she’s a demon
in the sack. Simon laughs – ha, ha, ha!
Nate:
Hey buddy, that’s my wife you’re talking about.
Simon: Simon says you're divorced.
Nate:
We’re leaving.
They
get up.
Simon: Simon
says sit.
They
sit.
Simon:
Simon says he wants a drink. Nate, get me a drink.
Nate:
Fine, alright…
Simon:
Ha, ha! Simon didn’t say. You’re out!
Nate: Oh come on…
Simon: Simon says fuck off. Take a flying leap.
Nate:
Christ.
He
leaves.
Simon:
Well Mary, Simon says we’re all alone.
Mary:
Yes…
Simon:
Simon says he wants to see you naked.
Mary:
Okay, I’ve heard enough.
Simon:
Simon says he’s hard as a rock.
Mary:
Goodbye Simon.
She
leaves.
Simon:
Simon says fine. Simon says there are plenty of other chicks out there. Simon
says fuck you. Simon says good
riddance… Simon says he needs that drink!
(Simon looks at you -- the reader) Simon says stop reading this
– now!
June 9
Links
On to
cheerier subjects... It’s been months since I shared a few links. So see me go!
Looking for a wide variety of fabulously entertaining links? My new favorite
blog is the thoroughly excellent, Look
At This To quote the
friendly "Geordie" (it's a Newcastle thing)
who runs it, “I don't publish any adult material and I avoid
the 3 P's, that's Paris Hilton, Pr0n and Politics.”
A definite must visit! Check
it out. You'll be glad you did.
My
pals at Bushflash
think this is the best Bugs Bunny cartoon ever: Hillbilly
Hare It’s definitely
in my top 10, but I am, and always will be, a Rabbit
of Seville kind of guy.
This
gent is one fantastic
magician!
Finally,
and shamelessly... My rant, The
Alphabet Of Life is nearing a
quarter of a million downloads. Care
to help me close in?
June 8
Terrorist
Uses “I Look Like Jesus” Defense
"Heads will roll!” Says Jesus Look-Alike Terrorist
The
terrorism suspect who allegedly plotted to behead the Prime Minister was a
Canadian soldier for four years and likely received weapons training.
Steven
Vikash Chand was also a member of the Church of Jesus Impersonators of Canada,
a reservist unit of Jesus look-alikes that meets in
Toronto.
Chand, who later converted to The Church of Elvis Impersonators (but failed
miserably) and then finally to Islam and went by the name Abdul (Shake It)
Shakur, is charged with belonging to a terrorist group, receiving terrorist
training and terrorist recruiting, training other terrorists to participate in
terrorist activity, as well as teaching the latest terrorist dance steps and
terrorist knock knock jokes.
Example of terrorist knock knock joke:
Terrorist:
Knock, knock.
Infidel
(answers door): Who’s there?
Terrorist then suicide bombs all over the place.
Pause for laughs.
Chand's lawyer,
Gary Batasar, stunned the courtroom by revealing that his client and the 16
others are accused of being involved in a "detailed terrorist plot,"
which included plans to storm the Parliament buildings in Ottawa, take
political hostages, harm hostages if Canadian troops did not withdraw from
Afghanistan, and to attack media outlets including the CBC and that Chand was
also alleged as a suspect "likely to behead Prime Minister Stephen
Harper.”
So, it wouldn’t have been all bad.
Hmmm,
a whole bunch politicians as hostages… Makes you wonder how steadfast they
would have been on their not giving into terrorists’ demands policy.
June 7
Bush
Fights
Gay Wedlock And Wears Frilly Hat
President
Bush rallied support for a ban on gay marriage as the Senate opened a
volatile, election-year debate on a constitutional amendment to prohibit
same-sex weddings.
“Our policies should aim to strengthen families, not gay them up. And
changing the definition of marriage would mean fag families. And while that
may sound funny, there is nothing funny about it all. Except how it sounds.
Because you got the two words starting with the letter ‘F’. Which, he, he,
he, makes it funny sounding. But there’s nothing funny about it. Other than
what I just said.”
Bush
criticized judges who have overturned state laws similar in intent to the
proposed legislation. “Marriage is the most fundamental institution of
civilization, next to farming and prostitution. And I’m not talking gay
prostitution; I’m taking straight male on female sex. The missionary
position. Between men and women.
Same with farming. I oppose gay farmers,” he said.
Traditional
marriage, prostitution and farming Bush said, is the cornerstone of a healthy
society and the issue should be put “back where it belongs: into the Stone
Age.”
White House press secretary Tony Snow acknowledged said there was a political
dimension to Bush’s remarks Monday but said he wasn’t sure what on earth
they were. “9 times out of 10, I
have no idea what the hell he’s talking about,” Snow said.
Bush’s
views on the federal marriage amendment differ from those held by Vice
President Dick Cheney, whose daughter, Mary, is a lesbian.
Cheney
said he thinks Americans should do everything they can to tolerate and
accommodate whatever kind of relationships people want to enter into. He said
that when issues affect him personally, his feelings on them often change.
“But
only because they affect me personally,” he added.
June 4
Do the Democrat Drag
Peanut farmer/crack
whore...
Sultry Oral Office
Girl...
Kerry On Drag Queen...
Thanks Sal.
June 3
Dragging On..
For those of you who
needed more proof that Hank Hill can't do drag...
For those who wondered why
we didn't include George Bush...
And for
those who know that just as Harper follows Bush, and Marie Antoinette never
said, "let them eat cake," (but meant to) Stephen remains a great cause of concern.
Drag or no drag...
Thanks (again) to my pal
Spud, Cindy Green and Homer J. Conan
June 1 (Rabbits)
10
Men Who Can’t Do Drag
Bugs Bunny could do it.
The Monty Python lads could
do it. And The
Kids in Hall enjoyed doing it so much that it stank of weird and
unresolved sexual issues. So what have we learned? Drag is for Rabbits,
Repressed Brits and Latent Ice Backs. Most
men can’t – and shouldn’t – do drag. Ever.
These 10 dudes in
particular give new meaning to the phrase, total
drag:
Dick Cheney:
Upside: We get to call him "A chick named Dick.”
Downside: George is no longer the
pretty one.
Prince Charles
Thus proving that there is nothing more depressing than an Old Queen.
Tiger Woods:
Play a round with Tiger? Ironically enough, this eye hazard looks
18 beers good.
Hank Hill:
Nobody loves a little redneck dress, I tell you what.
Bob
Dylan:
Just because you sound like an old woman doesn’t mean you should dress like
one.
Stephen Harper:
As if being Bush-Lite and the leader of a country as insignificant as
Canada
wasn’t crappy enough – he also makes for one ugly broad.
Russell Crowe:
Bad enough we were treated to the spectacle of an armored cocktail skirt
during his
Roman Empire
period (the duds did nothing for him – all breastplate, no cleavage) now the
Cinderella Man has gone Pollyanna. But that still won’t stop him from
smacking the neighborhood kids with a phone and then screwing your wife.
50
Cent:
So disgustingly hideous that his own line of waterproof, motorized, 50 Cent
vibrators go limp at this sight.
Jackie
Chan:
Even as a wrinkly old grandmother in a unisex peasant robe, Jackie looks like
he could lay some serious railroad track.
Jon
Stewart:
What has America
’s funniest man taught us? That
when they get older, all Jewish comedians end up looking like their mothers.
Thanks to my pal
Spud, Sammy and the Nude Republicans, Rick Stolberg and Michael Leo.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
jaleel white aka steve urkel dead
a moustache on every face daffy duck
how to make mushy pees
pics of daedalus and the mask of Vulcan
plant scientician
welcome back khadr
eats snails for breakfast
where does the word arakum come from
barbara eden
buy barcalounger
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 198 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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