"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 13
How
America
Could Win The World Cup
Ha,
ha, ha… Yeah, sure. Okay, okay,
it is only seven games and, hah! well, anything can happen, I, hmph, ha! Okay,
it would go something like this…
*Since writing
this, The
U.S.
has already lost its first game. Clearly they weren’t taking my
notes…
First
round
In
this year's World Cup, the USA has to play a game apiece against traditional
European powers and three-time Cup winners Italy; the offensively-strong Czech
Republic; and Ghana. No sweat. Easy peasy, right…?
The U.S. first go up against the Czechs, who led all of European qualifying in
goal-scoring with the firepower of Milan Baros and Jan Koller up top and the
rock-solid Petr Cech of Chelsea in the nets. But, hey, the
U.S.
players have been provided with chemical weapons and slipping some of those
into the team’s water could make the difference.
And it would also be pretty entertaining to watch the Czech team
running around on the pitch as their teeth and hair fall out.
On the same day,
Italy
is shocked by a
U.S.
air strikes on
Venice
,
Rome
,
Naples
, etc., that all but turns the country into rubble. That attack rattles the
Italians, and when the
U.S.
squares off against them in
Kaiserslautern
against a strongly pro-USA crowd fed by the nearby Air Force base, the
Italians are too busy weeping for their country to care about anything else.
Inconsolable grief =’s a guaranteed win.
The
U.S.
only needs a point to win the group in their final game against
Ghana
, and they get it. The players use a combination of grit, strategy and
handguns to pull of this incredible feat.
Second
round
Because
the
USA
wins the group, they avoid having to face
Brazil
, and instead meet the shock runners-up of Group F —
Canada
. Yes,
Canada
…
The
Canadians are not even in the tournament but are still game. But the
U.S.
has a secret weapon — free beer! The
hungover hosers are no match. And the fact that didn’t even qualify makes
victory a cinch.
Quarterfinals
The
U.S.
gets to face the
Ukraine
, who knock off a weakened French side in the second round.
The
game is a pitched battle, akin to the
USA
's quarterfinal performance against
Germany
in 2002 with one difference —
America
has the player’s wives held hostage and will only release them alive if the
U.S.
wins the game. The
U.S.
wins the game.
Semifinals
The
toughest game the
U.S.
has ever played takes place July 4th in
Dortmund
, and pits the
U.S.
against Europe's toughest team —
Holland
. Yes, the Dutch have made it through and knocked out the hosts for good
measure, which works in the Americans' favor. Hours
before the game
America
troops round up all the Dutch players – turns out they’re terrorists!
Another victory!
Finals
America
is riveted. People that couldn't tell a shin guard from a shoehorn are in the
throes of World Cup fever.
Ann
Coulter is reporting live from
Germany
, having made the snap decision to fly over there and "meet the
Huns." (She’ll use that phrase some hundred times over
the course of two weeks.)
Morning TV shows are airing bits about alcoholic
soccer moms in mini vans; and the wide range of drunk driving charges against
them. Wackiness abounds!
And who does the
U.S.
play? Why,
England
of course! And that means that all
is requited is one phone call from George Bush to his lapdog Tony Blair. Victory
is theirs.
June 10
Simon
Says
INT.
RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Nate and Mary at table in restaurant.
Mary:
Well, he’s late.
Nate:
He’s always late.
Simon
enters restaurant.
Mary:
Oh there he is! Simon! Over here!
Simon:
Hi guys. Simon says give me a hug.
They hug
him.
Mary:
We were getting worried.
Simon:
Simon says never get worried about him, he’ll manage just fine.
Nate:
Something wrong buddy?
Simon: Simon says change the subject.
Mary:
What’s happened Simon?
Simon:
Simon says drop it and get me a drink.
Nate:
Okay, okay… So, where’s Jennifer?
Simon:
Simon says he needs a drink!
Nate: Look like you’ve already had a few buddy.
Simon:
Simon says what the fuck are you, my mother?
Nate: Hey, calm down.
Mary:
Simon!
Simon: Simon says sorry.
Nate: Well, okay then.
Simon:
Simon says Jennifer is a two-faced tramp, slut, whore who left him.
Mary: Oh, I’m sorry Simon.
Simon: Simon says who the fuck needs her. Simon says let’s party.
Nate:
Maybe we’d better take you home, pal.
Simon: Simon says go to hell. Simon wants to get his rocks off tonight.
Nate: Look, I know you’re upset.
Simon:
Simon says you know shit! Simon
says Mary here is looking very attractive tonight.
Mary:
Well, uh, thank you.
Simon:
Simon says she’s smoking hot. Simon says he bets she’s a demon
in the sack. Simon laughs – ha, ha, ha!
Nate:
Hey buddy, that’s my wife you’re talking about.
Simon: Simon says you're divorced.
Nate:
We’re leaving.
They
get up.
Simon: Simon
says sit.
They
sit.
Simon:
Simon says he wants a drink. Nate, get me a drink.
Nate:
Fine, alright…
Simon:
Ha, ha! Simon didn’t say. You’re out!
Nate: Oh come on…
Simon: Simon says fuck off. Take a flying leap.
Nate:
Christ.
He
leaves.
Simon:
Well Mary, Simon says we’re all alone.
Mary:
Yes…
Simon:
Simon says he wants to see you naked.
Mary:
Okay, I’ve heard enough.
Simon:
Simon says he’s hard as a rock.
Mary:
Goodbye Simon.
She
leaves.
Simon:
Simon says fine. Simon says there are plenty of other chicks out there. Simon
says fuck you. Simon says good
riddance… Simon says he needs that drink!
(Simon looks at you -- the reader) Simon says stop reading this
– now!
June 9
Links
On to
cheerier subjects... It’s been months since I shared a few links. So see me go!
Looking for a wide variety of fabulously entertaining links? My new favorite
blog is the thoroughly excellent, Look
At This To quote the
friendly "Geordie" (it's a Newcastle thing)
who runs it, “I don't publish any adult material and I avoid
the 3 P's, that's Paris Hilton, Pr0n and Politics.”
A definite must visit! Check
it out. You'll be glad you did.
My
pals at Bushflash
think this is the best Bugs Bunny cartoon ever: Hillbilly
Hare It’s definitely
in my top 10, but I am, and always will be, a Rabbit
of Seville kind of guy.
This
gent is one fantastic
magician!
Finally,
and shamelessly... My rant, The
Alphabet Of Life is nearing a
quarter of a million downloads. Care
to help me close in?
June 8
Terrorist
Uses “I Look Like Jesus” Defense
"Heads will roll!” Says Jesus Look-Alike Terrorist
The
terrorism suspect who allegedly plotted to behead the Prime Minister was a
Canadian soldier for four years and likely received weapons training.
Steven
Vikash Chand was also a member of the Church of Jesus Impersonators of Canada,
a reservist unit of Jesus look-alikes that meets in
Toronto.
Chand, who later converted to The Church of Elvis Impersonators (but failed
miserably) and then finally to Islam and went by the name Abdul (Shake It)
Shakur, is charged with belonging to a terrorist group, receiving terrorist
training and terrorist recruiting, training other terrorists to participate in
terrorist activity, as well as teaching the latest terrorist dance steps and
terrorist knock knock jokes.
Example of terrorist knock knock joke:
Terrorist:
Knock, knock.
Infidel
(answers door): Who’s there?
Terrorist then suicide bombs all over the place.
Pause for laughs.
Chand's lawyer,
Gary Batasar, stunned the courtroom by revealing that his client and the 16
others are accused of being involved in a "detailed terrorist plot,"
which included plans to storm the Parliament buildings in Ottawa, take
political hostages, harm hostages if Canadian troops did not withdraw from
Afghanistan, and to attack media outlets including the CBC and that Chand was
also alleged as a suspect "likely to behead Prime Minister Stephen
Harper.”
So, it wouldn’t have been all bad.
Hmmm,
a whole bunch politicians as hostages… Makes you wonder how steadfast they
would have been on their not giving into terrorists’ demands policy.
June 7
Bush
Fights
Gay Wedlock And Wears Frilly Hat
President
Bush rallied support for a ban on gay marriage as the Senate opened a
volatile, election-year debate on a constitutional amendment to prohibit
same-sex weddings.
“Our policies should aim to strengthen families, not gay them up. And
changing the definition of marriage would mean fag families. And while that
may sound funny, there is nothing funny about it all. Except how it sounds.
Because you got the two words starting with the letter ‘F’. Which, he, he,
he, makes it funny sounding. But there’s nothing funny about it. Other than
what I just said.”
Bush
criticized judges who have overturned state laws similar in intent to the
proposed legislation. “Marriage is the most fundamental institution of
civilization, next to farming and prostitution. And I’m not talking gay
prostitution; I’m taking straight male on female sex. The missionary
position. Between men and women.
Same with farming. I oppose gay farmers,” he said.
Traditional
marriage, prostitution and farming Bush said, is the cornerstone of a healthy
society and the issue should be put “back where it belongs: into the Stone
Age.”
White House press secretary Tony Snow acknowledged said there was a political
dimension to Bush’s remarks Monday but said he wasn’t sure what on earth
they were. “9 times out of 10, I
have no idea what the hell he’s talking about,” Snow said.
Bush’s
views on the federal marriage amendment differ from those held by Vice
President Dick Cheney, whose daughter, Mary, is a lesbian.
Cheney
said he thinks Americans should do everything they can to tolerate and
accommodate whatever kind of relationships people want to enter into. He said
that when issues affect him personally, his feelings on them often change.
“But
only because they affect me personally,” he added.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
japanese godzilla attacks
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watch ann coulter
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job for a useless bastard
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beady-eyed moron
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