"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 16
Good
Housekeeping’s Questions for Condoleezza Rice
Good
Housekeeping's Sarah Felix recently
caught up with Condoleezza Rice to find out about her life, love, and passion
for war. Here, in a condensed version are some of the trivialities they
discussed.
I've
been living it up in the lobby of The Hotel California while waiting for Condoleezza Rice to
show up for this interview. Finally, five hours late, she strolls in, all
“la-de-da” like she was the fucking Queen of England (whom I’ve
interviewed). The first thing I notice is the bong that she is definitely not
trying to conceal. The next is her new look, which I can only describe as
"Mr.
T Butch."
Sarah Felix: Jesus Christ, what
happened to you?
Dr. Rice: Huh?
Sarah Felix: Never mind (snickers).
So... How’s the war going?
Dr. Rice: Um, you honestly don’t
know?
Sarah Felix: Nope, not a clue.
Dr. Rice: What about your readers?
Sarah Felix: (laughs)
They’re even more shockingly ill informed than I am.
Dr. Rice: Well, in that case...
It’s over. We won.
Sarah Felix: All right! U.S.A! U.S.A!
U.S.A! Okay, I see you have a new look. Two questions: What the hell are you
thinking? And why did you keep me waiting so long?
Dr. Rice: What? I... Uh... Look, I
was told this was gonna be a fluff piece. No politics, just banal stupidity.
Or was that stupid banality? Anyway it goes, make with the nice-nice, will
you?
Sarah Felix: Can’t handle the
tough ones, eh? (Mutters the word “bitch” under her breath.) Fine,
I’ll toss you a soft ball. Okay, let’s talk about “beauty and style.”
Wait, after looking you over, let’s not. Um, tell us about your favorite
recipes.
Dr. Rice: Would you like to hear my
recipe for success?
Sarah Felix: I was thinking more
along the lines of a bunt cake.
Dr. Rice. Oh... Well, I, uh, don’t
know that I’ve ever made one of those...
Sarah Felix gasps in horror.
Dr. Rice (con’t): ...I once made a
Caesar Salad.
Sarah Felix: With Julius Caesar?
Dr. Rice: What the hell are you talking
about?
Sarah Felix: My point is –
you’re old. But just how old are you? I heard you were born in 1854.
Dr. Rice: 1954.
Sarah Felix: Uh huh. Well, we all
lie about our age, don’t we? Now
tell me, are you going to run for President?
Dr. Rice: No.
Sarah Felix: Smart plan. Because
let’s face it, you don’t have a chance.
Dr. Rice: Why? Because I’m an
African American woman?
Sarah Felix laughs.
Sarah Felix: Good heavens, no.
Because you’re not married, unattractive and have appalling fashion sense.
Dr. Rice: Oh...
Sarah Felix: I mean, look at you.
Who wants a leader who dresses and looks like... like... well, you. Not to
mention one who can’t keep a man. You, as president? What a hoot. Now I was
going to talk about “love and sex” but, well, that’s a bust. Same with
“pregnancy and parenting” that train left the station ages ago. Huh?
Choo-choo! Ha, ha, ha... So: Gay or bi?
Dr. Rice: What?
Sarah Felix: Let’s say gay. It
makes you seem like less of a waffler. And it makes for better copy! Well
that’s us done here. I certainly hope you find a man, Dr. Rice, or the
female equivalent of one. My editor had asked me to put on an orange fright
wig and kick you in the nuts, but I told her there was no way I was going to
do that.
Dr. Rice: Um, thanks.
Sarah Felix: My pleasure, and
thank-you for confessing to having male genitalia. That took a lot of balls.
And you’ve got ‘em.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Travel plans are all fine and dandy for those with money – but that’s not
you. This summer’s excursion into the wild blue wonder will likely be a week
drinking malt liquor in your bathtub. Enjoy!
Taurus: You may be a weirdo, but at least you’re grounded enough to
know that, not matter what some might say, Michael Jackson is guilty as Hell.
Gemini:
You may be right to have your doubts about a partner’s love and commitment.
The thing is, they’re too busy bonking someone else to give a shit about your
doubts.
Cancer: There is no point in feeling hurt or insulted just because
someone thinks you’re a stupid moron from the planet asshole. Sometimes you
can be a bit too sensitive for your own good. Oh, and you smell.
Leo: Try not to take the worries of the world on your shoulders today.
After all, what can you do? Remember, you’re just a meaningless and
insignificant cog.
Virgo: It has taken a lot of time, effort and dedication but you are now
banned from every local drinking establishment in your neighbourhood.
Libra: You should know by now that it is impossible to please everyone. So
please yourself. Use both hands.
Scorpio: Your life is progressing according to the cosmic plan you rely
on. One problem: Your life is progressing to a cosmic plan... I mean, come on!
Sagittarius: A busboy will spit in your
food.
Capricorn: The planets warn you that friends are snickering behind your
back. The cosmic forces inform you that time is of the essence. Your toaster
says hello and your microwave oven is telling you to get a gun and kill
people. It’s official – you’re completely nuts.
Aquarius: Your job continues to suck.
Pisces: It would be wise to keep your mouth shut today. But, as everybody
knows, you’re anything but wise.
Link
Of The Week: Blogywood
Looking for a fun site with lots of superb
links? Then say hello and thank-you to Steven at Blogywood because he’s got
tons of great stuff for your Internet edification. Blogywood is chock-full of
wild and weird news stories, funny flash, amazing animation, general hilarity,
and, yes, babes. Plus, as a special bonus: It’s all for free! Why does he do
it? I can only guess it’s because he just cares too damn much. Take a peek.
You’ll be glad you did.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Michael
Jackson: Innocent Pedophile
Tom
Cruise: 61% More Loathsome Than Before
 Sigmund Freud: Still Dead
(to the top)
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