"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 18
Father’s Day
As everyone knows, Father’s Day was
invented by the Irish as an excuse for Gaelic dads to spend one Sunday a year
doing something they never got to do: drinking pints of Guinness in a seedy
pub. Tradition tells us that the dads were not allowed to stop boozing until
they saw dancing Leprechauns wielding letter bombs. The men were then expected
to begin beating these apparitions with a snake. This ritual dates back to
when the Amish roamed the streets of Dublin.
This year those Irish dads
will once again be drinking in pubs and then chasing their demons. As always,
dogs will bark and children will cry.
In the rest of the world alas,
we are not as civilized. However, we do celebrate this holiday in our own
sober way.
Here’s a list of this
year’s top gift suggestions for dad:
1.
Have His Boss Whacked: If there’s one thing dad hates more
than work, it’s his boss. So this year, instead of a new putter how about
hiring a killer to put “one in the back and two in the head” to dad’s
problem?
2.
Silence for 24 Hours: Yes, your daddy loves you. But he’d also
love one day in which he didn’t have to hear you whining about... well,
let’s be honest, the list is endless. Do him a favour and give him the gift
of silence. You can always go back to reminding him what a drag he is and how
much you hate everything he stands for on Monday.
3.
Get Him A Hooker: Mom’s happy, dad’s happy, the hooker gets
paid: yes, everyone’s a winner.
4.
Buy Him A Bag of Pot: Dad’s connections aren’t what they
used to be, so why not do him a favour and get him a half-ounce of bud. He
gets a chance to mellow out and later he’ll order a pizza!
5.
Move Out of the House: Nothing says, “dad I love you” more
than moving out. He’ll always cherish this memory.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Be very surprised if you’re imagination starts to roam – after all, you
haven’t used it in years.
Taurus: Life is supposed to be enjoyed, not dreaded. That is, for
everyone but you.
Gemini: Everyone is entitled to
their opinion. But do us all a favour and shut your mouth for five minutes,
okay?
Cancer: It may appear others know more than you. Believe what
you see.
Leo: You will get into a fistfight with a bicycle and lose.
Virgo: There is always something new to discover. Like that thing that’s
hanging from your nose.
Libra: Like all cardinal signs you are a high church official just ranking
below the pope.
Scorpio: Your secret desire to be a “singing surgeon” remains
unfulfilled.
Sagittarius: You are cheerful, optimistic and recently lobotomized.
Capricorn: Problems will only arise today if you get out of bed. You’ve
been warned.
Aquarius: Don’t waste time yearning for things you can never have and
instead enjoy your VCR and 8-Track player.
Pisces: You may not be the most grounded of people but you... Um, well,
you... You have nice drapes.
Link
Of The Week: Blogywood
Looking for a fun site with lots of superb
links? Then say hello and thank-you to Steven at Blogywood because he’s got
tons of great stuff for your Internet edification. Blogywood is chock-full of
wild and weird news stories, funny flash, amazing animation, general hilarity,
and, yes, babes. Plus, as a special bonus: It’s all for free! Why does he do
it? I can only guess it’s because he just cares too damn much. Take a peek.
You’ll be glad you did.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Michael
Jackson: Innocent Pedophile
Tom
Cruise: 61% More Loathsome Than Before
 Sigmund Freud: Still Dead
(to the top)
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