"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 19
Happy
Father’s Day
Here’s a list of
this year’s top gift suggestions for dad:
1.
Have His Boss Whacked: If there’s one thing dad hates more than work,
it’s his boss. So this year, instead of a new putter how about hiring a
killer to put “one in the back and two in the head” to dad’s problem?
2.
Silence for 24 Hours: Yes, your daddy loves you. But he’d also love
one day in which he didn’t have to hear you whining about... well, let’s
be honest, the list is endless. Do him a favour and give him the gift of
silence. You can always go back to reminding him what a drag he is and how
much you hate everything he stands for on Monday.
3.
Get Him A Hooker: Mom’s happy, dad’s happy, the hooker gets paid:
yes, everyone’s a winner.
4.
Buy Him A Bag of Pot: Dad’s connections aren’t what they used to
be, so why not do him a favour and get him a half-ounce of bud. He gets a
chance to mellow out and later he’ll order a pizza!
5. Move Out of the House: Nothing says, “dad I love
you” more than moving out. He’ll always cherish this memory.
In Recognition of Mom on
this Father’s Day:
The Oedipus Complex
(A Short Monologue)
I don’t know;
things get out of control. Stuff happens so fast. One minute you’re
7-years-old and telling your mom that you’re going to marry her when you
grow up and the next minute your 30 and she’s trying to hold you to it. I
mean come on, I barely remember saying that it to her and besides, I’m not
ready for that kind of commitment. After all, we’ve only been dating
seriously for the three years since dad died and I’m still not convinced
this isn’t just a rebound thing for her.
Look, I’m not saying that she trapped me.
After all, I’m the one who put the idea into her head but that was over 20
years ago and quite frankly... She’s lost her looks. Don’t get me wrong,
she’s still sexy, real sexy, but she has let herself go a bit and she
doesn’t turn me on the way she used to. I find myself having to fantasize
when we’re in bed, and well, quite frankly, that just doesn’t seem right.
I suggested that we live together but she
says we’ve already done that. I told her that this time it would be
different – dad wouldn’t be there – but she wants more. I don’t know
what’s wrong with me... I know I could do worse. Hell, I’ve been in worse
relationships... Aunt Betsy, Cousin Mavis... But the simple fact is that I
don’t feel entirely comfortable about marrying a woman who still refuses to
allow me to call her by her first name.
And then there’s the rest of my family.
My younger brother still won’t talk to me. But it’s like I told him, “I
saw her first...” Mom broke his heart and on the rebound he shacked up with
grandma. Obviously he’s one sick guy.
I also worry about what my friends might
say... You know, me and an older woman. But, well, mom’s good to me. She
listens to me, supports me, and I can stay out until 10 o’clock on
work nights... Not all my married friends can say that.
Yeah, I guess I’ll marry my mom. If only
for the sake of the children.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
It can be fun pointing out other people’s mistakes; kicking folks when they
are down is good for a laugh, and beating them senseless while burning down
their house really lightens your spirit. Just make sure you’re bigger than
them.
Taurus: Your moon is in the Seventh House. Jupiter aligns with Mars.
Peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars... Wait, wrong
sign.
Gemini: The sun remains in your
birth sign so there is still time to dig that thing out of
your ear with your car keys.
Cancer: There is a lot of tension in your life. You need booze and sex.
Leo: The more you do for others now, the more others will do for you
later on – yeah, right!
Virgo: If you tell yourself that your life is boring then, inevitable, you
will be bored. If you tell yourself your life is exciting, then, well,
you’re really just lying to yourself, aren’t you?
Libra: A few days from now the sun will be crossing the midheaven angle of
your chart. What does this mean? Absolutely nothing, it’s a fucking
horoscope for God’s sake.
Scorpio: You are on the brink of discovering something about a quadruped
that will have no significance in your life whatsoever.
Sagittarius: It is entirely up to you whether you look on the dark side or
the bright side. And remember: One day soon you will die.
Capricorn: Meaning and happiness can be found in hallucinatory drugs.
Aquarius: There is still time for you to do something
extraordinary...whoops – time’s out.
Pisces: You have thought it through from every angle and have reached an
important decision: You will begin to stalk Hilary Duff.
Link
Of The Week: Blogywood
Looking for a fun site with lots of superb
links? Then say hello and thank-you to Steven at Blogywood because he’s got
tons of great stuff for your Internet edification. Blogywood is chock-full of
wild and weird news stories, funny flash, amazing animation, general hilarity,
and, yes, babes. Plus, as a special bonus: It’s all for free! Why does he do
it? I can only guess it’s because he just cares too damn much. Take a peek.
You’ll be glad you did.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Michael
Jackson: Innocent Pedophile
Tom
Cruise: 61% More Loathsome Than Before
 Sigmund Freud: Still Dead
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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