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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 22
10 Giant Movie Monsters From
Way Back – Where Are They Now?
The streets of Monster Island are
littered with the broken dreams of wannabe giant movie monsters who gave it a
hefty shot, but crashed and burned as only a movie monster can…
Thanks to fleeting B-movie fame,
these towering, tottering creatures were, for the most part, consigned to one
glorious moment in the radioactive sun and then cast away to an ignoble and
unintentionally comical end.
Oh sure, it looked glamorous
enough, what with the easy money and all the humans they could eat. But show
biz is brutal. Even if you’re 500 feet tall, Hollywood can crush dreams
like, well, a movie monster can crush an army tank…
So what became of these great
cinematic beasts? Where are they today? Much like the movies they starred in,
the answers ain’t always pretty…
MONSTER:
The Crawling Eye
MOVIE:
The Crawling Eye (1958; aka The Trollenberg Terror)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A
big slimy eye the size of a Buick, it hails from outer space, slithers through
the Swiss mountains in a radioactive cloud, scares the cheese right out of the
locals, and looks fairly disgusting as these things go.
WHERE IS IT TODAY? Now
blind, thanks to diabetes, the Crawling Eye has lived for decades in a
rundown, inner-city apartment in
Oklahoma
, and spends its days fighting off its own seeing-eye dog. “It’s always
trying to walk me into oncoming traffic or lunging after me so it can tear off
my retina,” the Eye laments. “At least I think it’s my retina, I dunno,
I can’t see a thing. My life sucks.
MONSTER:
The Ymir
MOVIE:
Twenty Million Miles To Earth (1957)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A
creature from Venus is brought to Earth by a group of astronauts led by
leading man William Hopper. The Ymir begins life at less than a foot in
height, but the Earth’s atmosphere causes him to grow to outlandish
proportions. Peaceful unless roused, the creature visits Rome, where he fights
and kills an elephant, scares the pasta out of the locals, and is finally shot
off the Coliseum. Clearly, it had been roused.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?
Living
in a retirement home for movie monsters. Though suffering from
osteoporosis, the Ymir is surprisingly
spry and upbeat. The only sore spot in his show biz background is his brief
but busy sex fling with co-star William Hopper’s mother, the rampageous
gossip columnist Hedda Hopper, who terrorized Hollywood with her muckraking
column, took bloodthirsty delight in naming suspected communists, and demanded
that America’s movie stars conduct themselves in a "decent,
respectable" fashion (read: no sex for anyone, unless it's matrimonial)
or she'd ruin their careers.
Background on the star-crossed
affair can be found on the Ymir’s blog, “Hedda Hopper – Total Bitch” (www.ihatehedda.com),
which is filled with his droll, often merciless, and always rambling screeds,
memories, and insights on the legendary rumour-monger.
“She was a way more
aggressive monster than I ever was,” the Ymir says while flicking his tail
and sipping on a glass of pink champagne. “And a total hypocrite. There were
rules for everyone but her. She was a pothead. Pill-happy, too, and she slept
with every movie monster in Hollywood and
Japan. She and I were pretty hot and heavy for a while, and then, blam!
She tossed me aside and wrote a column saying I was a flaming homo and
a commie. Bitch. Suffice it to say there was no Twenty Million Miles
to Earth sequel.”
MONSTER: Reptilicus
MOVIE:
Reptilicus (1961)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A
gigantic flying serpent who starred in a (cheap) Danish film (no lie, a cheap
Danish film).
Copenhagen
is the target city of destruction as Reptilicus scares the pastry out of the
locals.
WHERE IS IT TODAY?
After the movie’s release, Reptilicus wrote a
soft-core paperback novelization of the film that sold briskly. A sample: "She
stood still momentarily, letting him look at her perfect breasts...in a matter
of seconds his clothes were strewn all over the room..." From
there he moved into writing, directing, and starring in his own self-produced
pornographic films. “I never looked back,” he boasts proudly. “Unless,
of course, I had to in one of my movies. Ha,
ha!”
MONSTER:
Konga
MOVIE:
Konga (1961)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A
deranged scientist uses an evolutionary serum from a rare African plant to
transform a little monkey into a King Kong knockoff, which then proceeds to
terrorize
London
, scaring the bangers and mash right out of the locals. After dying in a hail
of bullets in front of Big Ben, Konga reverts back to chimp form.
WHERE IS HE TODAY? Still
in chimp form to this very day, Konga is currently a mild-mannered primate
living in a small flat in suburban
London
. Always wearing a bowler hat and carrying a snazzy black umbrella, the chimp
is polite but guarded about his movie past. When bribed with a bunch of
bananas, he tells the usual movie monster litany of woe: poor wages, draconian
working conditions, and abusive producers who took sadistic pleasure in making
him cry. He now just wants to be left alone, to carry on using his opposable
thumb, and to blend in as a regular Englishman. No easy feat, considering that
success at this demands that he shave himself 15 times a day.
MONSTER:
The Rhedosaurus
MOVIE:
The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953)
QUICK BACKGROUND: The
Rhedosaurus is a prehistoric monster that is awakened by an atomic blast and
makes its way from the arctic wastelands to
Coney Island
, where it scares the Coney Island
Fries right out of the locals. The excitement concludes when the beast is shot
in the throat by Lee Van Cleef with a radioactive needle.
WHERE IS HE TODAY? Wizened,
raspy-voiced, cantankerous, smelly, rambling, possibly senile, and living with
his put-upon kids, the Rhedosaurus is but a pale shadow of his former glory.
“I
was the monster that started the Giant Beast Craze,” boasts Big Rhed
while pounding his now pigeon-shaped chest. “Mine was the first film to take
advantage of the country’s paranoia about bomb culture. Mine! But where did
I end up in the scheme of things? A footnote, at best! Lee Van Cleef got to be
a big star in
Italy
and all he had to do was show up and shoot me. While he was rolling in lira,
I couldn’t get a walk-on in a puppet show. And that ain’t right. And
movies today--! Trash! Rancid goddam trash! All those probing tongues, naked
bodies, and fancy fornicating. Sleazy liberal claptrap. We’re breeding a
nation of junkies, feminists, vegetarians, gay blades, abortionists, tit
tweakers, ass pinchers, pirates, lawyers, and whores. And not nearly enough
bomb culture! They’re all going down the tubes – and they’re taking us
with ‘em. And another thing…”
MONSTER: The Deadly Mantis
MOVIE: The Deadly Mantis (1957)
QUICK BACKGROUND:
A prehistoric
preying mantis of massive dimensions, it was thawed out of the arctic ice,
scares the blubber out of some perturbed Eskimos, and wends its way skyward
toward New York. There the army gasses the big bastard back to extinction. Or
did they?
WHERE IS IT TODAY?
Yup, they did: Deadly Mantis. Born 1957. Died 1957.
MOVIE:
Tarantula (1956)
QUICK BACKGROUND:
A
mad
scientist creates a giant spider that roams the
New Mexico
desert and scares the beans and coffee out of the local ranch hands. It gets
torched by napalm lobbed by pre-stardom fighter pilot Clint Eastwood.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?
“Don’t
talk to me about that fucking Eastwood,” Tarantula says heatedly. “Oh, and
did I mention that I won’t be
talking about how I was barely in a movie that starred me? That was named
after me! And I' not going to comment on the 'theory' that big spiders have
plenty of image but not much actual personality. Other than to say it's bullshit! I was
driven, ambitious, a real contender. I didn’t just play tall – I got tall, I
made myself tall, I acted tall
till I was tall! It was all my doing – a combination of Stanislavski,
hypno-therapy, and super-vitamins. Jesus, I worked my thorax and abdomen off in
the theatre, and all it took was one lousy movie to destroy my entire acting
career! Look at me now. My only cultural significance is that I’m mentioned in
the opening song of that godawful Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
MONSTER:
Gwangi
MOVIE:
The
Valley
of
Gwangi
(1969)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A
hybrid dinosaur – part T-Rex, part allosaurus –
who reigns over a desert valley in 1915 Mexico, Gwangi is lassoed and
captured by a wild west show, led by adventurer James Franciscus, and is taken
to Mexico City to be put on display for the curious public. There he escapes,
fights and kills an elephant, and scares the pinto beans out of the locals.
Gwangi meets a fiery end inside a burning cathedral. (The only scene in film
history where a dinosaur goes to church.)
WHERE IS HE TODAY? “Being a
hybrid between a T-Rex and an allosaurus was probably the original reason for my
identity crisis,” says Gwangi with a sigh. “But making that movie really
brought out all my latent homosexuality. I mean, my God, so many cowboys –
James Franciscus had the curliest eyelashes – and all that rope!” An
advocate for gay movie monsters, Gwangi defends his frequent practice of outing
of other monsters. “Look, a lot of movie monsters are queer, okay, and unless
they admit it to themselves and the public, they’re not doing anyone any
favors, are they?”
Gwangi admits gay monsters
still have a long way to go in the cinema, but are making significant strides.
“I was thrilled when I learned that King Kong had signed to star in the
sequel to La Cage
aux Folles. He was considering the sequel to
Brokeback Mountain! But,
hello, that’s so done. Still, Kong’s the best. Did you see how well he faked
it with Naomi Watts in the Jackson flick? I adore him. It’s like we gay
monsters say: Once you’ve gone Kong, everything else just feels
wrong.”
MONSTER:
Gorgo
MOVIE:
Gorgo (1961)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A
50-foot Gorgosaurus is found in the
Irish sea
where he’s scaring the Guinness out of the locals. After he is captured by
some enterprising fishermen, he is brought to a
London
sideshow. Enter mother Gorgo, who is 500 feet tall and suffers no nonsense as
she searches for her infant. Mom destroys
London
, kills many a Brit, collects
junior, and goes back to the sea. Bloody
right!
WHERE ARE THEY TODAY?
Mom
died of alcohol poisoning, and Gorgo is homeless and living on the streets of
Toronto
, of all places. Despite his sad state he remains optimistic and cherishes his
deluded memories of his time in the business.
“Movie monsters today are
hopeless,” he says while begging for change. “Back in my day, we gave kids
plenty of bang for their buck. On my movie we really destroyed Big Ben,
Piccadilly Circus
, the underground tube, and miles and miles of houses and stuff, and we
actually killed the extras. It really added to the authenticity. At least I
think we destroyed all that junk and killed all those British wankers. I dunno,
I get confused when I’m off my meds. But I gotta tell ya, at the premiere of
the film, those kids in the audience cheered like crazy when me and Mom won
the fight with humanity and went back to the sea without a scratch. No lie,
they wailed for us! And we were hit with every kind of firepower the British
army had to offer! Which isn’t saying a lot, but, like, still…”
MONSTER:
The 50-Foot Woman
MOVIE:
Attack of the 50-Foot Woman (1958)
QUICK BACKGROUND: Before:
Nancy Archer (a hard-living, well-stacked heiress who is married to
fortune-hunting Harry Archer and nags the crap out of him about his illicit
doings with local tramp Honey Parker) is irradiated by a giant alien. After:
Nancy
grows big, goes on a rampage and tears up the town looking for Honey and
Harry. Honey is reduced to floozy mulch. Nancy and Harry are electrocuted in
the big finale.
WHERE IS SHE TODAY? Horror
headliner Allison Hayes (aka: the 50-Foot Woman) was, in fact, an accomplished
pianist and a dedicated culture vulture. Like all building-sized musicians,
she sidelined as a movie monster to pay the rent. Now in her geriatric years,
she has shrunk somewhat and clocks in at a mere 37 feet. She is also a recluse
who refuses to be interviewed and, despite her height, is surprising hard to
find! Never fond of the B-movie circuit, she reportedly disliked film work.
Legend has it that during the making of the cheapie Western Gunslinger
(1956) she asked schlock maestro Roger Corman: “Who do I have to fuck to get
off this picture?”
By M. Leo & A. Ant
June 21
Physician
and (Devil) Dog
Jack: "There is nothing romantic going on with me and Dave!"
Physician
Dave Karli saved his dog by giving him CPR.
Karli said his dog Jack, managed to get a ball stuck in his throat...
After Karli stuck it in the poor pooch's mouth!
Karli
was able to remove the foreign object, but Jack wasn't breathing and
had passed out. That's when Karli started CPR.
He
said that in a matter of "magical" moments Jack came to. After a
check-up, a veterinarian (a “real doctor” according to Jack) pronounced
that the once dead doggie is going to be just fine.
Karli said the “kiss of life” was a real eye opener for him.
”I always knew I loved my dog, but now I know – I REALLY love my dog!”
Karli gushed, “In fact, I already asked Jack out for dinner and a movie. He
growled at me, but I think he was also flattered.
He’ll come around.”
Jack, who insists he'll never come around, gets rather angered when the
subject is mentioned, starts snarling and insists that he and Karli are
simply “best friends.”
June 20
Archie is… What? 82?
Riverdale’s most famous son, that everyman of bland, that fellow who’s
forever dithering between blond Betty and brunette Veronica, that swell
paragon of virtue who was, after all, inspired by the oh so loathsome Mickey
Rooney, that most average of white teens, Archie, is celebrating his 65th
anniversary – which makes him what? 82?
I met up with the Arch-boy at the Pop Shop and chatted briefly with him about
his 65 years in the business. Still
somewhat fresh faced (he admits to endless bouts of plastic surgery, voodoo
incantations to summon up ‘youth spirits,’ experimenting with sheep
placenta, a deal with Lucifer, plus other strange and foreign youthful
rejuvenation concoctions), Archie swigs back from a bottle of plum wine and
throws back the aspirins and Tums like they were sugar
sugar. There’s no doubt in
my mind that an eternity as a teenager has left some deep emotional scars.
”You got five minutes,” he informs me...
Avery:
Nice to meet you,
Archie.
Archie:
Whatever. Now you got four and a half.
Avery: So, how are things in Riverdale?
Archie:
How do you think? Look around; this place is a freak zone.
It ain’t right, I tell ya! Oh sure, on the shiny surface it looks
nice enough, but it’s eerie, you know, man?
This freak show of a town has one black person – and his name is
Chuck. And I think you understand the connotations there. And that’s just so
weird – and wrong. This seemingly happy place is sucking away at my soul. If
there’s such a thing as a soul… My
faith is nothing but a troubled memory. Riverdale kills. I mean everything has
a prefab, unsettlingly, almost too wholesome, sickeningly cheery 1950’s look
to it. Which I guess was fine
enough – in the goddamned 50’s but this is just, just…
Archie
drinks heavily from his plum wine.
Avery:
Yeah, it’s disturbing alright. Say
I wanted to ask you about Big Moose and his dyslexia.
I read somewhere that all those years when he was saying “duh” he
actually meant to be saying “hud.”
Archie:
What’s your point?
Avery:
It was more of a joke.
Archie:
It’s not funny. That guy had rage issues. Anyone who looked at Midge the
wrong way ended up in traction. He was stalking the poor girl.
She finally had a restraining order put out against him. He broke her
neck last week. He’s going to
jail for a long time.
Avery:
Wow, do you think a comic strip character can survive in jail?
Archie:
Moose will be fine. His Aryan buddies will look out after him.
Avery:
Huh. Okay… How’s Jughead?
Archie: He’s dead to me.
Avery:
Really, why is that?
Archie:
Because he died about a year ago. Toxic
shock from all that hamburger meat.
Avery: Wow. Don’t know how I missed that…
Archie:
You got two minutes left.
Avery:
Okay Archie, the big question: Will you ever decide between Betty and
Veronica?
Archie:
Jesus! I don’t know. I guess
I’m still hoping for that three-way. It’s
hard to decide, I mean they’re both so different. Look at them: There’s
Betty with her angular face, curvaceous body, blue eyes, perky breasts, milk
white skin, wide smile, button nose and then there’s Veronica with her…?
Avery:
Angular face, curvaceous body, blue eyes, perky breasts, milk white skin, wide
smile and button nose?
Archie:
Yeah, they’re so different. It’s like comparing apples and oranges.
Avery:
Well, the fact is except for hair colour and social standing they’re
practically identical.
Archie:
I don’t see it. This interview is over!
Avery:
Wait, I was hoping to ask about the Christian sociological significance of
Archie cartoons and the connection between Big Ethel’s sexual ambiguity and
WalMart’s…
But
Archie isn’t having any of it. He
snarls, chugs back the rest of his wine throws down some more aspirin and
Tums, and staggers out into another sunny Riverdale day.
Archie
has left the malt shop.
June 19
A True Story...
The subject was philosophy... The day's topic was Nietzsche,
the philosopher well known for
his dislike of Christianity and famous for his statement, 'God is dead.'
Professor Hagen was lecturing and outside a thunderstorm was raging. It was a
good one. Flashes of lighting were followed closely by ominous claps of
thunder. Every time the professor would describe one of Nietzsche's anti-Christian
views the thunder seemingly echoed his remarks. At the high-point of the
lecture a bolt of lightning struck the ground near the classroom followed by a
deafening clap of thunder. The professor, non-plussed, walked to the window,
opened it, and starting jabbing at the sky with his umbrella. He yelled,
"You senile son of a bitch, your aim is getting worse!" Suffice
it to say that some students were offended by his irreverent remark and
brought it to the attention of the Department Head. The Department Head in
turn took it to the Dean of Humanities who called the professor in for a
meeting. The Dean reminded the professor that the students pay a lot of
tuition and that he shouldn't unnecessarily insult their beliefs.
"Oh," says the professor, "and what beliefs are those?"
"Well, you know," the Dean says, "most students attending this
University are Christians. We can't have you blaspheming during class."
"Surely," says the professor, "the merciful God of Christianity
wouldn't throw lightning bolts. It's Zeus who throws lightning bolts."
Later the Dean spoke with the Department Head, and said, "the next time
you have a problem with that professor you handle it, and let him make an ass
out of you instead."
Found
at One Good Move
June 18
Helpfully Insolent Father’s Day Suggestions
Father’s
Day was invented by the Irish so Gaelic dads could spend one Sunday a year
doing something they never got to do: drinking pints in a filthy pub until
they puked through their noses. The rest of the world celebrates this holiday by giving the poor bastard a tie. Here are my five fun
alternative Father’s Day gifts: 1. Kill his boss. If there’s one thing dad
hates more than work it’s his boss. Instead of buying dad a putter get a 2x4
and repeatedly hit his boss over the head with it until his skull is a smashed
up piece of pulp and you’re ankle deep in a pool of his blood. Dad will love
you forever! 2. Silence for 24 Hours:
Hey, you can go back to reminding the old man what an asshole he is on Monday.
3. Get Him A Hooker: dad gets
laid, the hooker gets paid; everyone’s a winner. 4. Buy Him A Bag of Pot: Dad’s connections ain’t what they used to
be, so show him some love and get him a half ounce of bud. He finally gets a
chance to mellow out and later he’ll order a pizza! 5. Move Out of the goddamned house! Nothing says, “I love you,
dad” like the back of a U-Haul.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
one minute of fame
ann coulter's affair
clown shoes meaning
lament by avery
which butterfly has hairy fat body
welcome back khadr
mad ecstasy faces twitching
job for a useless bastard
i am a total slut story
bugs bunny in drag
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 186 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
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