"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 24
Rove’s Letter of Resignation
You heard it here first:
Karl Rove, distraught by public pressure, did actually pen an apology and even
went as far as to offer his resignation. But President Bush refused to accept
it, calling Rove “My Favorite Fat Little Imp.” Rove’s secretary, who,
like most of us, can’t stand the man, faxed a copy of the letter
to me. Enjoy!
The
White House
Washington
From
The Diabolical Brain of Karl Rove
Dear Mr. President Georgie:
Wow. That didn’t go over
very well, did it? Now I know
what it’s like to be laughed at and mocked openly. It really hurts. How on
earth do you manage?
I want to thank you and the order of brothers for standing by me on
this. I know that you’ve personally taken a lot of flak from those Democrat
heathens and I thank God that our plan to have them all eliminated will soon
be under way. J But until then,
you can always ward off their taunts by sprinkling crushed deadly nightshade
on your genitalia. I also have an effective incantation I can share with you,
and if all else fails, I’ve got pretty much a limitless supply of
sacrificial virgins – so you should be covered here.
Anyway, while I’d love to talk shop, the fact is that I’m writing
you this missive because I fear my evil powers may be waning and if this is
the case, as per our agreement, I shall transform myself back into a bat and
return to the 16th century from whence I came.
If I can’t take a few minor shots at yellow-bellied Democrat chickens
(speaking of which, don’t forget to drink the blood of the ones I sent you)
without feeling the wrath of the liberal media and public opinion then clearly
I am no longer as invincible as I once was.
I have to admit, I saw it coming. Recently the sun had been burning
holes in my skin, and to be honest, it’s hard to avoid a religious cross
when you’re a Republican: And they were really starting to make me go
vampire. Ha, ha, ha…
So here it is, my formal resignation. I will also issue an apology to
the American public. In it I will refrain from using such phrases as, “You
people shall feel my wrath and will rue this day” as well as “As far as
I’m concerned you can all go fuck yourselves.”
Cool?
Finally, let me take this one last opportunity to kiss your horns and
swear my dedication to you. Tonight, when I am naked and alone I will step
into my pentagram and say a prayer for you.
Thanks,
Karl “Satan Spawn” Rove
Karl Rove
The Dishonorable Deputy White House Chief
Senior White House Advisor and Satan’s Drinking Buddy
Washington, D.C.
Satan’s Drinking Pal
“The White House defended Rove's remarks
and accused Democrats of engaging in partisan attacks...”
Scott McClellan Happily Defends A Loathsome Pork-Faced
Scum Bucket
Q
Last night Karl Rove, in a speech, accused the Democrats of trying to send the
terrorists into therapy and not responding appropriately to 9/11, whereas the
Republicans, he felt, responded appropriately. He's been called on to make an
apology. Will Karl Rove apologize, and will he finally admit to being
Satan’s drinking buddy?
MR. McCLELLAN: Karl Rove was talking
about different philosophies and our different approaches when it comes to
winning the war on terrorism and how liberals are terrorist-loving heathens
who should be hung by the balls for treason. That’s all. No biggie. And
while he may have shared a few drinks with Lucifer, I’d hardly call them
drinking buddies.
Q Scott, how do you sleep at night?
MR. McCLELLAN: On a Seely Posturepedic. Look, guys,
relax. It’s not like he was injecting politics into the tragedy of September
11th.
Q He said the Democrats wanted to
prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.
That's not injecting politics into the tragedy of September 11th?
MR. McCLELLAN: No! It’s... Look!
An escaped gorilla!
The reporters are no longer fooled
by this typical McClellan ruse.
Q So will the President ask Karl
Rove to apologize?
MR. McCLELLAN: Yeah, right. Where
have you been for the last 5 years? Apologize? Us? Look, this is simply
talking about different philosophies and different approaches. And I think you
have to look at it in that context. Or you can look at it this way – fuck
you if you don’t like it.
Q And the therapy? What about the
therapy?
MR. McCLELLAN: I don’t know. Who
cares? Christ, is this still an issue? Let’s talk about Howard Dean. Is
that guy a nut or what? (He sighs) Yeah, you, with the runny nose.
Q What about the therapy?
MR. McCLELLAN: Christ, get some will
ya? And stop roasting my nuts on this. Hey, did anyone see that runaway bride
on TV?
Q Was the rhetoric appropriate?
MR. McCLELLAN: It was effective. So,
yes.
Q Scott, are you saying that it's
completely appropriate the way Karl Rove invoked 9/11? And what would you say
to those who say that the comments were simply partisan and hurtful?
MR. McCLELLAN: I think “break out
the violins” is appropriate. Or maybe “cry me a river.” Either works.
Q So was his Satanic Majesty Rove
suggesting that Democrats simply want to offer therapy and understanding to
those who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks?
MR. McCLELLAN: That’s what it
sounded like to me.
Q Getting back to Rove’s
comments...
MR.
McCLELLAN: Look, this is really starting to piss me off. And none of you have
said anything about the bunt cake I made. It’s really delicious, try some.
Q Scott, does Karl...
MR. McCLELLAN: Look, you have his
remarks. Just read his remarks, okay? And
try the bunt cake!
Q He didn't mention any...
MR. McCLELLAN: I said read his
fucking remarks and have some bunt cake!
Q So in other words, there are no --
MR. McCLELLAN: Read his remarks! Eat
the bunt cake!
Q But someone who specifically has
suggested therapy?
MR. McCLELLAN: Holy shit, look, if
you turds want to make more than it was, then you're welcome to, but I think
you should go back and look at his remarks. And then have a fucking piece of
my delicious bunt cake.
Q He didn't name any names, which is
why I'm asking you.
MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, and you can go
back and look at his remarks and see for yourself what it says.
Why isn’t anyone eating the bunt cake?
Q Was Karl Rove speaking last night
as a Deputy White House Chief of Staff?
MR. McCLELLAN: He is the Deputy
White House Chief and Senior White House Advisor, and I would encourage you to
go look at his remarks and what he said. Come on, I spent hours in the kitchen
making that god damned bunt cake. Try some!
Q So, we should read his remarks?
MR. McCLELLAN: And eat the bunt
cake!
Q Do you personally think what he
said was appropriate?
MR. McCLELLAN: Philosophically
speaking, he was talking about the different philosophical philosophies. And
he was speaking to a specific audience about those philosophies and talking
about the philosophy that we stand for – philosophically speaking.
Q ...What the hell does that mean?
MR. McCLELLAN: Anyone have any
questions about the weather? Or golf? How
about golf?
Q Is it true Mr. Rove plays golf
with Satan?
MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, but I’m going to deny it.
Hooray for
Hollywood Film Dialogue
The American Film Institute released the
latest in its endless series of top 100 lists this week. Having already
published polls rating the best movies, public humiliations, costumes, sexual
scandals, craft services, set designs and most disgraceful displays of ham
acting, the AFI is back at the well and has come up with “Popular Movie
Quotes” once again proving that in the Hollywood pecking order,
screenwriters are just below gaffers and slightly above an empty bottle of
Gatorade.
In a strange twist, the
winning lines are not the timeless or instantly familiar ones expected...
“Hello,” from the Bond Film, Dr. No seems an odd choice. As does,
“What does XXX mean?” from the early Schwarzenegger film, Hercules
in New York.
Here is a selection of some
their choices of classic film quotes:
- “Which
one of you naked chicks ordered a plumber?”
(Beaver Boy) Jeremey Irons in the porn flick, The Naked Chicks and the
Plumber (2005)
- “Frankly
my dear, you can go fuck yourself.” (Rhett
Butler) Clark Gable, Gone With the Wind – The Director’s Cut
(1939)
- “Whoa!”
Keanu Reeves in every movie he’s ever made
- “Get
your filthy hands off me, you damn dirty liberal.” Charlton
Heston as Charlton Heston in Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine (2004)
- “Now
is the winter of our discontent... PARTY!” (King
Richard) Adam Sandler in Russ Meyer’s Richard III & The
Boob Sluts (1994)
- “Mmmmahmmm,
mmmummmaah, ammhmmm...” (Don Vito
Corleone) Marlon Brando, The Godfather (1972)
- *INSERT
BANALITY HERE* Any line that has ever come out of Whoopi Goldberg’s
mouth.
- “So
that’s why they call you ‘Woody.’” (Buzz Lightyear) Tim Allen,
commenting on the cowboy’s priapism.
Toy Story (1995)
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
It will be easy to underestimate your rival’s strengths today. However,
never forget this, they are not impervious to bullets.
Taurus: Unfortunately for you, you need allies to screw over your
enemies. Once that’s done you can then screw over your allies.
Gemini:
A wet towel and hot gossip are all you have. Ask yourself this: Is being a
shut-in really working for you?
Cancer: Someone in a position of authority has got their eye on
your ass – and not in a good way.
Leo: There is a danger today that you will get the wrong end of the
stick, which is commonly referred to as “the pointy end that gets jammed
into your eye.” Keep your head down.
Virgo: Others can sell out their principles but you’re a renter.
Libra: Refuse to get involved in fights and feuds that serve no purpose
and have nothing to do with you. If you can do this you will achieve a
profound spiritual awakening that... Oh who are we kidding? You can’t keep
your big nose out of other people’s business.
Scorpio: You have a revelation: Stealing things saves you lots of money!
Sagittarius: At some stage today you might have to admit that you made a
mistake. But that sucks. So start your conniving on who to blame for your most
recent screw-up.
Capricorn: The only reason people are giving you such a hard time is
because you’re so annoying.
Aquarius: The time has come to stop trying to breed your dog and cat.
Pisces: Well, well, well... Look who finally got out of bed!
Link Of The Week:
onegoodmove
One Good Move is one great site. You can always
count on Norm Jenson to provide sharp, edgy, and bang-on insights with his
patented and well-delivered shots of wisdom and humour. This is sanity that
hits you where you live. I swing by everyday. You should too. You’ll be a
happier and wiser person for it. And to top it off, he even came up with our
company’s logo: “Babble On Communications – Providing Cultural Artifacts
to the Library of Congress since 2005.”
Thanks Norm.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Jaleel
White (aka: Steve Urkel): Still universally
despised
Bat
Boy: Mortally wounded by music critics and
now dead of rabies
Donny Rumsfeld: Completely out and hideous to the eye
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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